This article is from WeChat official account:one (ID: yitiaotv), editor: Xie Yimin, editor in charge: Shi Ming, title picture from: Japanese TV series “Neighbors Living Together”
According to the “2017 Residential Experience Report” released by Jinan University, more than 80% of married people in China express their desire to be alone.
For every 4 couples in Japan, 1 couple sleep separately.
In the United States, 31% of couples sleep separately.
A new way of getting along is popular among young couples: Living Apart Together, LAT partner. Simply put, it means sleeping or living separately from your partner.
Different living in love and different beds in marriage, is it necessary or pursuing fashionable advertise? Separation/house splitting is good or bad for the relationship between two people? What changes does the popularity of LAT partners reflect on contemporary young people’s feelings?
An article published a questionnaire on “Different Loves, Different Beds for Marriage” and interviewed a dozen couples who have practiced LAT. The following are their stories.
Go back to the dormitory for two days a week, love and study both well
Born in 00 Huanhuan female Chengdu
My boyfriend and I were together in January this year. He was in his senior year and my junior year. We didn’t see each other for 9 months because of the epidemic. After returning to school, we moved out and lived together.
I’m quite struggling with the issue of living together. On the one hand, I have a good relationship with my roommates in the dormitory and I can’t bear them. On the other hand, I need my own personal space and don’t want to stick with my boyfriend every day.. My last relationship was because the other party wanted to see me at least once a day, and had to ask me to go out on weekends, so that I didn’t have time to do what I liked, and I was overwhelmed and broke up.
I asked a circle of friends who had cohabitation experience. One of my girlfriends who studied in the United States said that cohabitation was sweet at first, but it was annoying to look at it every day afterwards. After cohabitation, she did everything with her boyfriend. Her life circle became very small, which led to the breakup. After that, her whole body broke down, and it took a long time before she came out.
So when there are more classes every week, I go back to my dorm room. In this way, he will not be disturbed to sleep because of the 8 o’clock morning class, and there will be more friction every day. I also don’t want to give up the social life on campus, and occasionally go back to the dormitory to live on both sides. Can take into account.
In fact, when we first visited the house, we rented two rooms and one living room. We thought that if we had a fight, we would sleep in one room. There are also examples of living together but sleeping separately. It is said that keeping their own space will make sex life more harmonious.
Both have their own careers to be busy, and if they have children, they will be arranged in weeks
Secret secret female born in 1989, Beijing
My husband and I have been married for more than three years and have been separated for two years.
The main reason for living separately is that our company is too far away, one in the south and one in the north. If you live in the middle, if two people have to commute for more than 40 minutes, they choose to live within 15 minutes of their company’s walk. Leave work on Friday or go to each other’s house for the weekend at noon on Saturday and separate on Sunday afternoon.
People around us are surprised that we don’t live together. Parents will ask you what to do if you have children in the future? My girlfriend will worry about me, don’t look at it, what if I cheat? But our relationship has always been very good, and separation can avoid many conflicts.
The male and female protagonists in “Marriage Story” are separated due to work
My husband likes divination in Zhouyi. How to arrange the bed and table at home depends on feng shui. I prefer modern cities and prefer light colors. He also raised a black goldfish. I think the fish tank takes up a lot of space. If I want me to raise it, I can raise a cat. If you live separately, you can come according to your own preferences, without being wronged.
Moreover, there is always a period of exhaustion after getting along for a long time, especially when the work is busy, the temper will be relatively bad. If you live separately, you can digest your emotions on weekdays, and you can have a rare good mood to accompany each other on Saturdays and Sundays. . Because we only meet two days a week, we will cherish each other very much.
Zhong Xiaoqin and Chen Yu in “Thirty Only” because of pet conflicts
For the past two years, we will plan carefully every weekend. There will be different themes. For example, last week we met with friends, sometimes we played escape rooms, and before the epidemic, we often went to watch shows and exhibitions.
But I think this method is suitable for two people who have their own work to be busy. If one of them has nothing to do, or is particularly clingy, it is not suitable. We all belong together, so the two-year separation life is very adaptable and very happy.
If you have a baby in the future, you really have to consider how to place the baby. It may be a bit irresponsible to say that. If possible, I think if the child is also placed in weeks, or if it is directly taken care of by the parents, it is best for the two of us to live separately.
For a career woman, marriage is optional, so why cohabitation is necessary?
Bai Ma female, born in 1981, Shanghai
I am a native of Shanghai. When I was young, I was that kind of career woman. If love and career conflict, I close my eyes and choose career.
The first boyfriend is my high school classmate, a native of Shanghai. We have been together for 7 years. After graduating from university, thinking about getting married, they lived together for half a year.
When I lived together, I realized that the difference between the two people was too great. He is a hedonic type. He likes to take his buddies home to have parties and go to good restaurants for meals. I am a very hard person. At the time, I was studying English in a foreign company and in my spare time. Eating was a routine for me. He wanted to get married and have children earlier, and I had to study for the first 5 years of my career. In the end, I clearly told him that he didn’t want to get married and could only break up.
The second boyfriend is also from Shanghai. We got engaged after we talked for more than two years. At that time, we lived together for the purpose of trial marriage. But he and I, one sleeping and snoring, the other nervous. My work often involves holding international trans-oceanic conferences. I have to maintain a high level of concentration during the day to get the project down. Living with him for a long time affected my sleep, and within three months I packed my luggage and moved out.
In the final analysis, people like us are more selfish and don’t like to accommodate others. In high school, I read Marxist philosophy. The book said that marriage is a legitimate long-term meal and free sex. At that time, I felt that marriage was not a necessity for a career-minded woman. If marriage is optional, why bother living together?
Celebrity couple Yang Zi and Huang Shengyi sleep in separate rooms
Under the current social structure, girls always pay more in the relationship between the sexes. If I live together, I will inevitably have to take on more housework. But when I have this time, I go to learn tea art and wine. Isn’t it good to go to the gym to exercise?
After 30 years of age, I have gained a firm foothold in the workplace, and I have relatively good living conditions with the people I interact with, and IIn 2014, I converted to Buddhism, chanting and meditating every day, and I must ensure that I will not be disturbed for two or three hours. This way, there is no need to live together.
Although it is necessary to live together before marriage, I just want to be alone after get off work
Born in 1993, male and female Quanzhou
In fact, there are still quite a few post-90s who are willing to separate. At least half of my couples living together and separated are in my circle. Everyone basically went from being in love and wanting to live together to being in a different life. My own situation is that it is becoming increasingly difficult to accept cohabitation after work.
When I was in college, I lived with my girlfriend at the time. At that time, I felt that the two people’s lifestyle habits were difficult to match. I can’t bear her hair clogging the drain, she can’t bear to wear me to the toilet with only a pair of pants, basically two people blow it in one semester.
Talk show actor House mentioned the difference in living habits with his girlfriend in the show
After work, I also talked to a few girlfriends, but every time the other party proposed to live together, I would refuse. I work overtime until late every day, and it’s time to go to bed if I eat something. If I live with my girlfriend, it takes half an hour to talk about what happened. If she is in a bad mood, I have to go to coax her.
Working during the day has exhausted me too much effort. I just want to be alone when I go home at night. When my ex-girlfriend came to my house for the first time, it happened that work was very uncomfortable. When I saw her move, I felt uncomfortable and very upset. It’s like in the field of animals, it feels like someone has broken in.
And I always find myself boring in private. When I was a student, I played games. After work, I played Lego in my spare time and read magazines. So I also worry about being together all day, the other person will think they are too boring, hiding a little bit will be a little more interesting, and don’t want toAll the faces appeared before her eyes.
But to be honest, at this stage I focus on my career, so my love comes with my own temperament. If you are rushing to get married, couples who have never lived together are dangerous.
For example, in a relatively small place like my hometown, there are many young couples who go on blind date. Everyone deliberately shows a good side when they date. However, the parents of the previous generation of both parties could not accept the notion of “We may not get married, we can talk about love first”. In the end, we got married without living together. Then after marriage, because of different living habits, conflicts and conflicts continue.
Although I think it’s okay not to get married or have a baby, but the pressure of parents and society is there. If I believe that the other party is someone who wants to get married, I should try to live with the other party whatever I say. As for sleeping in separate rooms , That may be something in 50 or 60 years old.
Why do more and more couples choose to live/sleep separately?
In China, more and more couples are beginning to practice the LAT way of getting along, that is, maintaining an intimate relationship, but not living together/sleeping together.
Siwen of “Talk Show Conference” once said in the program, “Husband is the brother who sleeps on your upper bunk”, and the host Li Ai once said frankly: “Married for four years and split room for four years.”
The host Li Ai exposes in the variety show that he and her husband sleep in separate rooms
A survey published on “Different Loves, Different Beds for Marriage” shows that more than 60% of couples are separated or separated, and nearly half of them are separated from their partners.
Among the couples who have been sharing the same bed, at least one partner has considered living/sleeping separately is 53%.
This suffices to show how common contemporary couples need to sleep/live separately.
LAT first started in Northern Europe. A survey shows that among Canadian adults aged 25-64, there are 1.5 million LATs, and 64% of them live within 20 kilometers of each other. In the United States, 31% of couples sleep separately. In Japan, 40% of families living alone, it is natural for couples to sleep in separate rooms.
In recent years, the LAT lifestyle has become popular in China.
“Sleep time can be less, sleep quality must be good”
The most intuitive reason is that it is difficult for us to find a partner who matches our own lifestyle habits.
The partner goes to bed too early or too late; one sleeps snoring, the other has a nervous breakdown; the other person does not care about hygiene, but he has a hygienic addiction. Once living together, these different habits become troublesome.
A published survey showed that 60% of people would consider sleeping/living separately because of their inconsistent living habits with their partners, and the most frustrating thing is sleep problems caused by inconsistent work and rest.
A number of interviewees told a reporter that their partner is a freelancer with extremely irregular work and rest, and that he is a 9-to-5 office worker. If two people live together, it means “do not understand the darkness of night” , Sleeping became a disaster.
A study by the University of Queensland in 2012 pointed out that 34.5% of people were awakened by their partner’s move to go to bed, 48% were awakened by the sound of their partner going to the kitchen in the middle of the night to find something to eat, and up to 58.5% were disturbed by their partner’s snoring. 35.9% were awakened by their partner’s move to get up to work.
When overtime and 996 have become the norm in society, work continues to squeeze personal life, and sleep has become the last territory for workers. In line with the principle of “sleeping time can be less, sleep quality must be good”, the separation of rooms or separate personal space is particularly important.
work 996, close relationship LAT
For many people, “being in different places in love and married in different beds” not only means higher sleep quality, but also means improving the comfort of two people getting along.
Tencent News has conducted a survey on the current situation of national fatigue. The results show that 26-50 years old is the most fatigued age group. Over 7 adults feel “very tired” or “frequently tired”, and respondents under 18 also have 48.15% of people think that the degree of fatigue is high.
“Annoyance” is the most prominent feeling of fatigue, accounting for 32.67%, and 31.55% of people feel tired, tired, weak in limbs, etc.
More than one interviewee told a reporter that after a day of stressful work, he only wanted Ge Youtan when he returned home. If you bring this feeling of “fatigue” and “irritability” into your relationship with your partner, it will inevitably lead to unnecessary conflicts and contradictions, and negatively affect your relationship.
This is especially true for partners with introverted personality. Scientific research shows that people with introverts tend to recover from being alone. Even the smallest social interactions such as chatting with their partners are a drain on them.
A published questionnaire survey showed that nearly 30% of people would choose to sleep/live separately during the “emotional burnout period” and the “career period”.
The personal space provided by the separation of houses or separate residences can allow both parties to balance work and relationships, face each other in the best mental state, and retain the necessary mysterious atmosphere between couples and increase curiosity and curiosity about each other. The desire to explore.
Living/sleeping separately can make two people more intimate. After all, sleeping together every day will really lose libido. Not living/sleeping together is my secret to keeping love fresh. ——Post-90s female Kiva
Most old couples and wives sleep separately, and the freshness and attractiveness of their bodies and love have declined. Most of the people who live apart are young people who want to maintain a little private space and do not want the other person to see the other side of themselves. ——Post-90s male books
LAT is the inevitable result of “single love”?
In the new version of “Tokyo Love Story” in 2020, the heroine Lixiang is no longer obsessed with love like the 91 version, asking the other party to think about herself 24 hours a day, but staying away from the hero while finishing the love. Single status”.
He even said, “Except for the time he spends with me, he belongs to him, even if he goes out with other girls, it doesn’t matter.” When better job opportunities came, she decided to go abroad.
Screenshot of Japanese TV series “Tokyo Love Story 2020”
This kind of love concept is ridiculed by netizens as “single love”, which reflects the awakening of contemporary female consciousness. A published questionnaire shows that 63% of people agree with the concept of “single love” and believe that love can only be born between two independent individuals. 44% of people think that if conditions permit, of course independence from each other can promote feeling.
According to the latest “Survey Report on the Status of Women in the Workplace in China 2020”, nearly 60% of women do not think that marriage and having children is a must in life.
The “2020 “Post Wave” Marriage View Report” shows that when a rising career and a happy marriage can only choose one, 78% of women choose careers firmly, and less than 10% of back waves choose marriage.
In this case, if the partner sleeps separately, is the impact on the relationship positive or negative? In our questionnaire survey, 54% of people believe that living/sleeping separately from their partners will not affect their relationship, and less than 30% of people insisting on living/dividing will affect their relationship.
More people are facing the pressure of surrounding society and culture. More than half of the interviewees said that when outsiders learn that they are in a state of being separated/divided, their first reaction is surprise or incomprehension. The most common one is doubts about their relationship.
I have been with my boyfriend for two years. When my girlfriends learn that I don’t live with my boyfriend, they always ask me, “Do you like him very much?” It’s like not living together or loving each other. ——Post-85 female Vera
When I first proposed to sleep in a separate room, the subject felt that this was a breakup. It took me a long time to persuade him to agree. ——Post-90s female Vivi
But there are still more and more people jumping off the conventional path and beginning to explore other possibilities of intimacy. When getting married and having children is no longer a must in life, what is the problem with separation?
Some people pursue an open relationship of “sex separation”:
I personally think that sex and love can be separated, so I can really love each other, but after sex, I want to go home and sleep on my own, or the other party wants to go home without holding back. -Post-90s female Muzi
Someone just wants to fall in love, not to get married:
A 40-year-old woman is very degrading in the Chinese marriage market, but it can be up and down in the love market. When I meet a younger brother who is younger than me, I will tell him directly that my sister is 40 years old and can only fall in love, not get married. ——Post-80s female white horse
Finally, take a quiz to see if you are suitable for being a LAT partner.
1. I often feel that my conversation with my partner is boring and empty.
a. Yes b. No
2. There is very little intimate physical contact with your partner.
a. Yes b. No
3. Often don’t know what he/she wantsWhat, how do you feel.
a. Yes b. No
4. The two face each other for a long time, sometimes not knowing how to get along.
a. Yes b. No
5. You have more personal space requirements.
a. Yes b. No
6. Many things in life are done for the obligations between partners.
a. Yes b. No
7. Do not check your partner’s cell phone frequently.
a. Yes b. No
8. Can accept long-distance relationships.
a. Yes b. No
9. Sometimes when I am alone, I feel very enjoyable.
a. Yes b. No
According to the answer you choose, the number of a and b can be obtained:
Choose a more: suitable. You care more about your own freedom, and have higher requirements for personal space. Being together for a long time will make you feel bound. You admire a sweet relationship between the sexes without losing individuality.
Select b more: Not suitable. You prefer the time your partner is around. You think that being with your partner is the real love, and you enjoy the time when two people are tired of being together.
This article is from WeChat official account:one (ID: yitiaotv), editor: Xie Yimin, editor in charge: Shi Ming