Facing the cruel truth is the best way to grow and be happy.
Editor’s note: This article is from WeChat public account “Harvard Business Comments” (ID: hbrchinese), author Joseph Grenny (translated by Niu Wenjing, editor Liu Yuzhen, school prance.
Most people have experienced “bad comments from others” at some point in their lives. At that time, you may be in a meeting, or passing through the corridor, or just getting a performance appraisal, suddenly being beaten by words, making you doubt life. Based on this, we collected the most difficult evaluations we have received on the Internet and analyzed 445 similar incidents.
The content provided by the participants is particularly harsh (“Consider leaving, I need a warrior not a bag”, “You can’t question, control is too strong, no one is in sight.”
Others are slightly moderate but still direct (“When you lose your temper, others will feel unrespected”, “You should improve your emails, remove those gorgeous words, don’t be weak, just say the facts.”
Many people recall the harsh comments they received decades ago, and they still have a lingering fear.
I feel empathy for this. A colleague once called me “stupid x” because I didn’t like how I handled an email, and threatened to ruin me.
Thinking of this, I still feel depressed and frightened.
I thought that this “destroying” criticism would feel worse than euphemistic criticism. But what is surprising is that both are equally frustrating.
What surprised me in the research is that
No matter how strong the criticism is, almost no one is burning up in the face of criticism.
Nearly 90% of people describe their current emotional reactions, using words such as “stunned, shocked, stunned, wrong, numb”, 40% feel similarShame” emotions: “embarrassed, useless, injured, sad and self-doubt. ” Less than 15% of people have developed hostility: “anger, betrayal or violence.”
Why are euphemistic suggestions and swearing accusations make us feel equally painful? The answer is: we are all eager to be recognized by others and fear the truth.
Critical feedback hurts us because it threatens two of the most fundamental psychological needs of human beings: a sense of security (feeling physical, social, or material security) and a sense of value (a feeling of self-esteem, self-love, or self-confidence).
First say security.
Sometimes, others say the threat to your physical safety ( “I’ll fry you”), or the relationship ( “I want to break up with you”), or physical threats ( “I wanted to hit you”).
In these cases, fear is the response.
But in the 445 cases we studied, this direct threat is rare.
In most cases, it is not the evaluation itself that puts us at risk, but our attitude towards evaluating defense, confrontation or dissatisfaction.
Next talk about the sense of value.
If the truth is good for the body and mind, why do we feel ashamed, fear and anger at that moment?
Because we have always been faintly worried about our lack of value, and others’ evaluations may puncture the truth.
In the study, many participants said that if the critics were not motivated, the damage would be even greater. But actually the motivation is not important.
The truth is that we are eager for the approval of the authorities and secretly hope that the endorsement of the authority may weaken the suggestion that we feel that we are not good enough, but it does not.
I have always believed that the best way to help people accept negative reviews and make changes is to help evaluators better understand expression.
But now I feel that I am wrong.
Instead of entangled in how to “correctly” express negative reviews, it is better to learn to find the truth in negative evaluations.
I saw with my own eyes that people can do this by finding a sense of security and value from themselves. For the past three years, I have worked with a non-profit organization called The Other Side Academy (TOSA) in Salt Lake City, Utah, USA. There are about 100 adult men and women living here, basically having long-term drug abuse, homelessness and criminal history. They are self-sufficient in TOSA and gain growth in feedback. They are convinced that:
Facing the cruel truth is the best way to grow and be happy.
Every week, these students participate in 2 feedback sessions called “Game”, which is open for 2 hours each time.
This process is very noisy, and everyone uses a variety of words, without modification.
Sometimes, more than 20 students will focus on a student for 20-25 minutes.
classmatesIt will be exemplified by the fact that the target is not honest enough, control is strong, lazy, selfish or mean.
No one cares whether wording is euphemistic, but rather how to help everyone learn to “adapt to their game.”
Some students face the game with a defensive stance.
If the other person does not listen, they will choose to walk away, deny or respond, but most people will not. They will soon find that they can only give themselves a sense of security.
The quickest way to heal your mind is to confirm self-efficacy. The best way to improve your self-efficacy is to discover the truth from feedback.
There are only three cases of feedback:
True, false, and true and false (most cases).
If the truth hurts you, it doesn’t know that it is more destructive than knowing.
Therefore, understanding the truth is always beneficial.
TOSA students teach me that we must learn to be resilient in the face of criticism.
The next time you are severely criticized without preparation, you can try the following four steps.
In order to make you better practice under pressure, I have summarized it into a four-character abbreviation “Organization Reconstruction” that is easy to remember.
1. Organize your emotions.
Slow and deep breathing will make you feel safe and realize that your body does not have to go into battle. It is helpful to pay attention to your feelings. Do you feel hurt? Scared? awkward? ashamed?
For individuals, the more they feel this main emotion, the less they will be affected by secondary emotions such as anger, defense or excessive fear.
Some students will consciously use the comforting facts to relieve their feelings, such as repeatedly telling themselves: “This thing will not hurt me, I am safe”, or “even if I make a mistake, I don’t have to deny myself.”
2. Understand, stay curious.
Ask questions and ask the other person to give an example, then listen.
Try to be objective, imagine that things don’t matter, and the other person is talking about other people.
Doing so will allow you to avoid assessing what you hear and treat yourself as a good journalist, listening to the story.
3.Restoration.
At this stage, the best option is often to end the conversation directly.
Tell the other party, you want to take the time to reflect on it and have the opportunity to reply to him.
Allow yourself to fully feel the process and find your senses before evaluating what you hear. At TOSA, some students sometimes respond by saying, “I will think about it” – disagree or disagree. They just promise to find time to think about these evaluations in good faith. If the other person says it makes it difficult for you to accept, you can say, “I need some time, think about what you are saying, and then look for opportunities to tell you my conclusion.
4. Actively participate and seek truth.
Examine what others say.
If you find a sense of security and value from yourself, you will not find vulnerabilities in the opinions of others, but will seek the truth.
If the other party said that 90% is nonsense, only 10% of the substance, care about the latter. In other people’s evaluations, there is always a little truth. Constantly smashing and discovering the truth. If circumstances permit, contact the person who evaluated you again, tell him how you understand him, what you agree with, and what you promise to do. Sometimes doing this means you have to share your personal opinion. If you don’t need to seek the other’s approval in the subconscious, it will not show defensiveness.
In fact, when we suffer from the “bad comment”, the tragic feelings are only the appearance, and the deeper problems are hidden behind them.
Those who acknowledge and solve the deep problems, in addition to recovering from these rare and amazing emotional traumas, can better cope with all the joys and sorrows of life.
Joseph Grenny|文
Joseph Gurney has been a bestselling author of The New York Times four times, a conference speaker and an outstanding corporate performance sociologist. His work has been translated into 28 languages and published in 36 countries. 300 of the Fortune 500 companies have successfully applied his theory. He co-founded VitalSmarts, an innovative company that provides training and leadership development for businesses.
The original text is in the Chinese edition of Harvard Business Review, August 2019.