Where is the liver intestines, missed forever, but the time is not long enough.

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Editor’s note: Losing love is always a heartbreaking thing. We have more or less experience of losing love. In many cases, we have even lost the courage to face the past. In fact, you can take a good look at the various relationships in this relationship and learn from them. At the same time, you can do things that you feel will make you feel better, arrange your own time, and enjoy the hard-won freedom. This article is translated from medium, article author Anne Freier, the original title The Scientific Way to Get Over a Breakup.

From a scientific point of view, how do you spend the hard time after breaking up?

Image source: Anne Freier

After breaking up, your mind may be filled with all sorts of ideas, from “I want to make full use of this hard-won freedom” to “My life is bleak.” (Sometimes, these ideas will appear in your mind at the same time.) In addition to self-doubt and pain, you will have a constant “bad” feeling.

The breakup is really bad, especially bad for the one who is being shackled, and certainly bad for the other half. After all, you have a common life, a common dream, and a common understanding. The longer a relationship lasts, the harder it is to recover.

However, looking at the breakup from a more scientific perspective—why break up, how to break down, how the emotions after breaking up, and the psychology of the predecessor—may give you a chance to analyze yourself. It keeps you away from the specific experiences that often make you feel painful.

Do scientific understanding and analysis make you feel better? It doesn’t seem to be. But this emotional torment may be thought of as a mixture of chemicals in the brain and predictable behavior. Knowing this torment may help you recover better and better understand yourself.

Why did we break up?

Every piece of emotion is unique, and you (or your other half) have reasons to break up. But research shows that most of the breakups are due to the following eight reasons:More freedom, lack of common interest or character, lack of support from partners, lack of openness, lack of loyalty, lack of time together, lack of fairness and lack of romance. (Interestingly, for women, eager independence is one of the main reasons for breaking up.)

Another study investigated factors that made it difficult for both parties to break up. Galena K. Rhoades, a psychology professor at the University of Denver who studies partnerships, proposes three types of “constrained commitments” that make us more willing to maintain a relationship. Perceptual constraints are the personal pressure to maintain a relationship. For example, maybe you are worried about the mental health of your partner, or you can never find someone else. Material constraints include logistical obstacles that may result from breaking up, such as cohabitation, co-feeding a pet, or having a vacation plan in place. Emotional restraint refers to the feeling of being trapped in a relationship.

In her research, Rhoades found that perception and material constraints are more important considerations for couples than emotional constraints. It’s helpful to think back about the limitations that extend your relationship after breaking up. The idea that love is a bundle of couples is of course romantic, but not so realistic, and not so useful for guiding the maintenance of relationships. Admitting yourself in one of these limitations can help you recognize the deficiencies in your relationship and alleviate the sense of loss you may feel.

How did we break up?

It is not accidental to break up, unless it involves infidelity, it is usually not a momentary impulse decision. Therefore, it is best to remind yourself that your partner is likely to spend a long time after a lot of thinking to ask for a breakup.

An analysis of breakups published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships shows how complex and extensive the process of breaking up is. The authors identified 16 steps that occurred before the final breakup (see figure below). Although these events do not always occur in this order, you may be comforted when you know that making this decision may not be easy.

From a scientific point of view, how do you spend the hard time after breaking up?

If your breakup process is a blast, then accept the fact that most people break up like this. According to a survey by opinion polling company YouGov, 58% of respondents said theyThe relationship often ends dramatically, and only a quarter say they break up in a more decent way.

Heartache is going to die~

The breakup is heartbreaking and heartbreaking. It’s a vocabulary.

Experimental studies using functional magnetic resonance imaging (FMRI) have found that when a participant experiences physical pain, a region of the brain called the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) is activated. This area will also be activated when we are rejected. So if you feel like you are dying after breaking up, don’t be afraid, this is normal.

The brain rejects rejection as a physiological pain, which is of great interest to scientists. A team at the University of Michigan found that when we experience physical pain, such as a burning sensation, the brain activates the reaction system and releases a natural “analgesic.” Surprisingly, the same thing happens when we feel rejected. (Those who are tough in character tend to have an advantage because their brain activation system is more powerful.) The good news is that you can enhance this function of the brain through exercise and other means.

Why is refusal so hurting at first? The explanation given by human evolution studies may be more reasonable. Since self-care is not an easy task, we humans as a species have evolved to the point of establishing social connections and mutual help, and the pain of rejection helps us to establish new connections. After breaking up, you will feel bad, but it does have its own unique meaning.

Love is addictive

After breaking up, people will find themselves obsessed with their predecessors. You may spend more time and energy looking for your predecessor, compulsively want to find information about them, feeling that you are losing control. In other words, you may feel that you are addicted to your predecessor.

The reason for this behavior may be hidden deep in our brain circuits. Addiction studies have found that the desire for drugs increases the level of neurotransmitter dopamine in the nucleus accumbens. The nucleus accumbens is the part of the brain that is related to the reward function.

What the hell is going on? When dopamine is released, it interacts with another neurotransmitter, glutamate, to activate the reward-related learning system in the brain. This is the same circuit that helps humans learn basic survival skills, such as eating. When you are constantly in contact with people or things that bring you happiness, your brain will realize that it needs this person or thing. That’s why seeing your predecessor’s photos will make you want to call or go to them. Fortunately, this addiction is controllable.

How long will the pain after the breakup last?

A friend once told me: “I have been with him for five years. Until now, two years have passed, I really began to find the feeling of being yourself.” From her body, we have more or lessYou can see the principle of the famous “breakup equation”.

This equation sounds very simple. But everyone is different, and the relationship between people is different. Relying on mathematics to predict sadness will make you lose even if you lose.

This is not to say that having a “time limit” does not help some people. Maybe you know that you can forget about your predecessor in five years and it is a bit of a long-awaited idea for many people. It’s not a mistake to take the time to explore your feelings. In fact, research shows that meditation after breaking up can promote a greater degree of self-transformation. So taking the time to review and reflect on the relationship between you and your partner is not a waste of time – you are a different person now. After this relationship, you will definitely grow.

Tell me what I should do

There are quite a few suggestions. Whether in the book or online, the world is full of advice, stories and analysis strategies to overcome the discomfort caused by the breakup.

But I want to tell you about a method in the field of neuroscience from the University of Colorado: “Placebo effect.”

In this study, those who had just experienced an accidental breakup were distributed a “powerful spray to alleviate emotional pain”, and they reported that they saw the photos of their predecessors after using them. Feel much better. The scans show that their brain responses are also different.

But in fact, this so-called spray is just salted water.

So, you can start doing what you think will make you feel better. You can check out the friends you haven’t been in contact for a long time. You can sign up for activities or courses that you have been interested in. You can go out for a trip. You can also taste the delicious food that you didn’t have the chance to eat in the past. You even You can dominate a bed, you can now arrange your own time.

Your brain is incredible. Although it can cause severe pain, it can also make you relieved. To put it bluntly, it is not enough time.

Translator: Xitang