The way to get happiness is not to add, but to do subtraction

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Editor’s note: We will seek happiness and resort to all means, but in fact we are only in most cases because we have developed unreasonable habits that have long led us to form wrong ideas and lead to happiness. Let’s go. Worried about what others think of us, when they are depressed, they don’t know how to seek help, they are drifting, they are instilling negative energy for themselves, trying to manage stress, and taking a high look at their own ideas. These habits are eating away from us. happy. It is better to try to abandon these habits, maybe you will be pleasantly surprised to find that happiness is coming to your door. The author of this article Nick Wignall, original title 6 Subtle Habits That Are Sabotaging Your Happiness.

Six bad habits that are not easy to detect, eroding your happiness every day

Image source: Gift Habeshaw on Unsplash

Everyone wants to know how they can be happier. In order to be happy, we will turn to courses, techniques, inspirations, goals, strategies, and even drugs, or a combination of all of the above options.

But, if we find that the key to happiness is not to add, but to do subtraction?

If we find that the smarter way to get happiness is to focus on eliminating things that make you unhappy?

As a psychologist, I have the privilege of learning most people in a unique and intimate way so that I can help them figure out what is going on in the long run.Can make them really happy.

The more I communicate with those who are struggling to be happy, the more I realize that the key to happiness is often less, not more. In other words, you need to discover the things that make you miserable and do your best to eliminate them.

In general, the things that make us suffer are our habits – the power of habit is strong, perhaps from childhood, day after day, month after month, year after year, eaten We are happy.

Here are the six most common habits I’ve seen that prevent us from getting happiness, and some simple ways to get rid of them.

Fearing about your future and what others think of you

Worry is a psychological habit of trying to solve an unsolvable problem or not at all.

It’s easy to get caught up in it, because it makes people feel very efficient and gives us the illusion that we are at least doing something. It avoids the feeling we hate the most: powerless.

Anxiety gives us the illusion of control.

But the truth is: sometimes we really can’t do anything about it.

Sometimes things are terrible, painful, terrible, and we can’t do anything about it.

  • Yes, some terrible things may happen to you or someone you care about in the future.

  • Yes, some people don’t like you very much in their hearts.

Because it is a denial of reality and it reflects that you want everything to happen the way you want. But this is an attempt to control what you have nothing to control. It will eventually become crazy.

But the truth is, worrying about it won’t change anything, but it will bring you a lot of anxiety.

Be clear about your habits of worry, then ask yourself:

  • Are I effectively solving the problem or doing nothing?

  • What is the use of my worry?

  • What are the benefits of doing this?

Learn to accept the pain of the present or the future, and throw your habits of sorrow and worry and the resulting anxiety into the clouds.

Lord, give me peace to accept things that I can’t change, give me the courage to change what I can change, give me wisdom to tell what can change and what can’t.

——ReInhold Niebuhr

Isolation when I am depressed

Whenever my patient sheds tears or cries during treatment, I say “I’m sorry”, I always feel very strange.

Why do you apologize for expressing your feelings and sorrow?

(In fact, I don’t know why… because showing your grief in public is not accepted by society unless it is at a funeral, or you can cry for a little while… but if you start 嚎啕 It’s not good to cry or the whole person’s emotions are out of control. We have been trained to control our feelings and conceal our emotions because they are not suitable in public.)

But, although I know why, I am still surprised – we are ashamed of our emotions and feelings, and try to hide them from others, even our closest people.

As a therapist, I have to say that the patient’s tears are actually very helpful to me. They are a signal that things we are talking about are important and valuable. This can help me work better because I can better understand the people I am across.

But this is not just in the treatment room. We are all like this.

Significant painful emotions such as sadness, fear, and depression help send signals to people around us, telling them that we are experiencing pain and struggle, and need some help or support.

You don’t need to deal with strategies when you feel sad, depressed, lonely, paralyzed or helpless. You need someone, you need support, you need someone to give you a hug, listen to your story carefully, and share a pint of Haagen-Dazs.

When we hide our own pain and isolate ourselves, we throw away the most powerful “anti-depressant”, which is the support that comes from those who care for you.

So, even when you feel pain or pain, you will subconsciously hide and isolate yourself. But do you know what the real solution is, right? It is to contact others, seek support and communication.

We are like islands in the ocean, with surfaces separated but connected in depth.

——William James

No sound, “follow the flow”

As everyone knows, most people don’t like conflicts with people. But that’s just because most people don’t know there are other ways to deal with conflicts.

Most of us are reluctant to fight back and are not willing to stand up for ourselves because we are afraid of being seen as aggressive, bullying or rude. So we are more and more passive, quiet, and quiet, and in most cases, “follow the tide.”

butYes, there is a middle path between being a drifting person and being a aggressive person: you can be confident.

Confidence means sticking to your wishes, needs and values. This means asking yourself what you want in a clear, respectful and honest way, and saying no to what you don’t want.

Confidence is a skill that anyone can learn, but it is a skill that most people find difficult to learn.

The path to true freedom and self is to be confident – ​​which means that regardless of your surroundings, you are willing to keep your actions consistent with your values.

Long-term silence is like a slow-growing cancer for your soul… It’s not wise not to stand up for yourself. Although you can’t win every battle, at least everyone will know your position.

——Shannon L. Alder

Continue to infuse yourself with negative energy

Everyone has the ability to talk to themselves – from what shoes to wear, why to wear them, to what the boss’s secretary thinks about your new hairstyle, these are constantly appearing in your mind. It is a narrator hidden in our hearts, constantly describing the story of our lives.

Unfortunately, many of us are not aware of this self-talk, nor realize that this self-talking style is negative, subjective, and full of negative energy.

Think about it: If you talk to someone like you are talking to yourself, you may not have friends, you don’t have a job, and you might even go through the order.

The self-talk in our minds is actually full of negative energy, because we have been taught since childhood, it is an incentive to “severe” ourselves, and the best way to force ourselves to self-discipline and complete work.

But the truth is, even if you are the kind of person who is quite self-disciplined and successful in the pursuit of goals, such self-talking with negative energy can’t be counted as an inevitable factor in your success.

So, if negative self-speaking has no incentive, what will it lead to?

The result is not very good anyway. It will make you depressed, anxious, long-term guilty, and ultimately desperate.

From the age of 5, your negative energy is constantly flowing into your mind.

To now, it may be time to get rid of them.

A person who wants to be a useful, strong, happy person must abandon thinking about negative, useless, and impure thoughts.

——James Allen

Try to manage the pressure you face

With regard to chronic stress, you may most often hear people say “you need to manage it better”, but I have to sueI am telling you that this is a complete lie.

Why is this a complete lie?

Pressure management is actually a very bad way to solve chronic stress problems, because – God, let me say it, it’s so obvious – are you already stressed? !

Pressure management is like a band-aid, it can treat certain symptoms.

Sometimes may be a good choice, but if you use this tactic as a strategy, you will be in trouble because it distracts us from thinking about the real cause of stress – the source of stress.

The pressure source is something that causes a pressure reaction.

If you feel pressure often, the long-term solution is to fix the source of stress (pressure source) rather than feeling (pressure response).

If you feel stress at work, you can try to do more deep breathing exercises or spend more time recording what you are grateful for. Of course, maybe your stress level will drop over time.

But this does not change the fact that you are still not good at saying “no” and that you are undertaking more projects than you can properly handle.

In other words, feeling pressure at work is like a signal, it can tell you that some of your current work methods are very wrong. Stress management techniques like deep breathing exercises can effectively solve problems.

Pressure is not the problem. The constant pressure in life is where the problem lies. It is this kind of hope that makes you feel pain.

In fact, you can change your way of thinking. The way we treat chronic stress is like the only treatment option in the emergency room is Tylenol:

  • A gunshot wound? Come, Tylenol.

  • A broken arm? Come, Tylenol.

  • Heart disease? Come, Tylenol.

Of course, Tylenol may make you feel better. But it does not explain where the root cause of pain is.

Traditional stress management methods, such as deep breathing or mindfulness, have no objective problems. The problem is habitually considering chronic stress only from our feelings – stress responses.

In fact, we ignore the most important part of the stress source that causes stress first.

Stop managing your stress and start managing your stressors.

——This sentence is what I said

I believe in my own ideas unconditionally

What is special about your idea?

Really, forWhat do you give so much respect, authority and meaning to everything that flashes in your mind?

You suddenly think of your colleague thinking that you are lazy… what about it? What does this mean? Does the fact that you have an idea about this idea really prove that it is true? Does this mean that you have a social anxiety disorder? Is this another sign that you lack self-esteem and need to see a psychiatrist right away?

Of course not.

Maybe they really think you are lazy. But in fact, an idea like you does not change their views.

But guess what? If every time such an idea appears in your mind, you give them a lot of attention, put a lot of energy into them, and interpret various profound and heavy meanings from them, then you are indulging your own brain manufacturing. More ideas like this.

Beware of the vicious circle of these chronic invasive minds, and the accompanying anxiety and pain

Remember: Your thoughts are not special. If you develop the habit of giving these ideas great respect and attention, you are asking for it.

Cultivate doubts about the various ideas in your mind. Learn to let it go.

You will be happier because of this.

The main reason for being unhappy is never the environment you are in, but the way you think about your environment. You must always be alert to your own ideas.

——Eckhart Tolle

What should I do?

Abandon the habit of worry.

Abandon the habit of isolation.

Abandon the habit of drifting.

Abandon the habit of talking to yourself.

Abandon the habit of stress management.

Abandon the habit of taking all your thoughts seriously.

Abandon the habit of making you unhappy and unable to find happiness. You will find yourself happy when you come to the door.

Translator: Xitang