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She should be selectable and negotiable. But there is another side to negotiation. When we talk about marriage, we will encounter many tedious things, which will calm both parties. A young man asked me, do I need a cooling-off period for marriage? I said that preparing for a wedding can calm both parties enough. The problem with negotiation is that it seems to change the nature of a relationship. People are sinister and things are fickle. In a high-risk society, when two people get married, usually you have established trust between each other based on big and small things. But trust is a troublesome issue. Trust is sometimes very strong, but it can also be very fragile. Because the premise of trust is “there is a possibility of betrayal and the possibility of being disappointed”, so trust is a kind of ability and a valuable quality. . In other words, trust is always windyRisky. When a person negotiates conditions in a relationship, “trust” is placed in a position of being questioned and tortured.

For example, pre-nuptial agreements have existed in the West for a long time. They have a habit of spreading things out, but this does not hinder their feelings. Of course, they also have their problems and also have troubles. But they are more accustomed to and more acceptable to “calculate when it’s time to do it.” And we prefer to use the default method. There is a culture in China. As long as we have a “good relationship”, we will not settle accounts. We may find it very appropriate to include a prenuptial agreement in love.

Traditional social stability is stronger, and the default method is likely to work. Today, the risk of the default approach has become higher. For example, for something, I thought it was the case, but it turned out that you didn’t think so, and I felt disappointed. But if you use the method of settling accounts, for example, if two people are getting married, one of them invites a lawyer, and the two sit together to sign a prenuptial agreement. When signing, one of them suddenly thinks, “What’s the matter?” Forget it, let’s not end it. Calculations may destroy some things. We can’t separate calculations from feelings and discuss matters separately. There seems to be an incompatibility between the part where we calculate rationally and the part where we are fully committed.

So, now is different from before. The relationship and marriage of two people need to be negotiated, and a contract is needed, but making an agreement in advance will damage the feelings. Twist all together, there will be many emotional issues waiting to be discussed.

At this time, some people will become “scum man” and “scum girl”. I haven’t understood the strict definitions of these two terms yet, but I think they are generalized, “make myself frustrated “The target of “, they are all scumbags or scumbags, so many people in this world can be called that way.

GQ Lab: In recent years, these young people have increasingly used words such as “scum man”, “scum girl”, “sea king” and “sea queen” when talking about feelings. What do you think of this phenomenon?

Liu Qing: This is the first time I heard “Sea King” and “Sea Queen”. I don’t know the context in which they are used. The biggest thing I learned from participating in the seventh season of “Wonderful Flowers” is that I learned a lot of “foreign languages”. In this new language environment, you young people are indigenous, and I am an immigrant.

GQ Lab: Being ambiguous and in love with different people at the same time. The male is the “Sea King”,Women are the “Queen of the Sea”.

Liu Qing: I understand that these words describe “non-specific”. I think there are two aspects here. One aspect is that people need to invent new words to conceptualize a phenomenon. After the phenomenon becomes complicated, it is very troublesome to start from the beginning, so people need concepts. But on the other hand, when any concept is fixed, it may become a cliché or stereotype. The reason why stereotypes spread is because it is convenient. We don’t need to start from the beginning when we encounter a phenomenon. This makes our communication more effective and allows us to deal with this complex world more conveniently.

Buzzwords like “scumbag, scumbag,” and “Sea King and Sea Queen”, I think they are a tool, a tool for self-help, providing certain judgments and reasons. The “disagreement of the three views” is similar, and may be a better reason or excuse. I think now, maybe because young people feel frustrated too easily, we have a lot of convenient self-help tools, it is like a toolbox, there are many ready-made reasons, there is always a suitable one for you. We took it out, I met Aquaman, I met a scumbag, I met a person with disagreements, and so on. This is also because there are indeed many typical cases in which these judgments are correct, and then we began to use them extensively. They can be spread, of course, because it is convenient and effective, and it seems to allow us to make judgments quickly.

This tool-based tendency certainly has its background. As we said earlier, concepts have their ins and outs, not out of nothing. The universalization of tools is related to the changes in ancient and modern times, and some basic concepts in modern society. I have talked about tool rationality in the lecture. I gave an example, saying that everyone’s value orientation and choices are many, but their attitude towards one thing is basically the same, that is, everyone thinks that money is good because it is always useful. This is not because people worship money, but because according to the logic of tool rationality, money is the most versatile tool. The popularity of some tagged words may be connected to this logic. But its problem is that not all fields and all contexts are only suitable for this tool, or are most suitable for this tool. For example, whether feelings should be treated and considered with labelled words may be a question.

Back to ourselves, we use these words to quickly make certain judgments, as if we cannot tolerate ourselves in an unknown anxiety state for too long, as long as this can calm us down, then it is good . But I think there is still a next step, to put aside the tools of these labels, to truly reflect on yourself. It’s not that everything is someone else’s fault, I finally got it right; It’s not that it’s all my fault, I’m in pain. Rather, we know that people are flawed and people can be wrong. I may make the same mistakes, but when I realize this, I may do better. Next time, the probability of making the same mistakes It will be smaller.

What is particularly interesting here is that today, we still cannot tolerate our own objects, partners, or possible partners and objects, fishing everywhere, casting nets everywhere, our “intolerance” is consistent with tradition. But what’s more interesting is that If “intolerance” is still the mainstream reference standard, why are so many people now disregarding this standard and going to “deviate”, “foul”, and become “scumbags” “Female”? There are ambiguities in it.

I think it’s very easy for people to condemn others nowadays. This is related to the decrease in people’s mental security. We will easily feel hurt, and it’s easier to watch out for and judge each other. In fact, we are afraid I was injured. Why is our sense of security so low? I think, on the one hand, this society is objectively more complicated. On the other hand, the younger generation may have been over-protected since childhood. Parents are only a little bit “cruel” to you on the matter of academic performance. Others are over-care and are not willing to hurt you a little bit. After you develop this habit, when you confide your own thoughts, once you are rejected, declined, or hesitate, you will be regarded as a kind of harm. We are not strong enough in this area, which adds to the complexity and insecurity when we look at the world.

Those who are judged as “scumbags” and “sea kings and queens” may be the same as the people who accused them. They may actually share the same set of logic, afraid of being hurt, and they all believe that in this world, their efforts are not necessarily rewarded, and they are likely to be disappointed. Therefore, in this state of mind, the emotional state chosen by both parties is ambiguous, and the two people have a bit of meaning to each other, but no one has given a definition to this relationship. “Together” has become a variable, an interactive state, floating at any time. For example, you may have a 50% chance of being with this person. Suddenly, if you don’t give you a gift on Valentine’s Day, 50% becomes 30%, and the two parties may not reach a consensus. It is easy to appear “scumbags” and “sea kings”. Queen of the Sea”.

A rational and self-interested attitude was originally good. But if everyone does this, it creates an environment where insecurities are generally spreading. This will make people’s interaction costs particularly high. Everyone is guessing, speculating, and skeptical…You send a WeChat message, he What does it mean to return to such an expression? Check Baidu and read the article, but it’s not necessarily correct. A culture of low security is not good for everyone.

I believe there areThe real “Sea King” or “Veteran in Love”, but there are too few such people, how can there be so much talk about it now? He will be schizophrenic, and such a person is not psychologically supported. Unless he is to achieve a higher goal, or has a higher mission, for example, he is a spy, on a certain mission and so on. Most people don’t want to be in such a state. Being a scumbag or a scumbag also requires talent. This kind of person uses other people as a tool to satisfy their hobbies and desires in a strict sense. He must have a very cold heart and be able to manipulate people.

GQ Lab: So the solution you gave in the book “Lectures on Western Modern Thought” is to encourage young people to take a bold leap.

Liu Qing: I don’t want to encourage the dumbfounded. I encourage true bravery. There is judgment in true bravery. Courage and judgment go hand in hand. It is precisely because your judgment cannot exhaust all the possibilities, risks and uncertainties are always there, so we need to be brave, so bravery is the virtue. But bravery and bravery without judgment-recklessness-must be distinguished clearly.

Moreover, bravery itself will shape relationships, and relationships will shape a person. This is true of love, and the same is true of good friends. You have to be willing to experience a relationship on your own, but when you encounter setbacks, you are not blaming yourself, but reflecting on yourself. The deepest, longest, and most beneficial thing for you is to combine painful emotions with rational reflection. It will reshape and nourish you. This is a very precious source, and you can finally become a better one. people. Otherwise, in a high-risk society, if you live with a very high safety standard, what can you do? You can only be alone.

I know that many people nowadays are single or unmarried. It’s not that they don’t associate at all, but they have their own base in their hearts. This space of self cannot be invaded. On this basis, it is also possible to communicate, but this type of communication is a partial and limited relationship, and there is no way to make people experience the beauty of the deepest feelings. Sometimes those good and moving love stories are precisely that the first two singles surrendered themselves because they were overwhelmed by love. Of course, maybe this is also a risk. I especially like the trilogy “Love Is in” by Ethan Hawke. The last two people who loved each other got married, but the halo was removed that year. They had quarrels and had children. The first and third parts of the movie are related. You need to have such a kind of very selfless love to have a lasting middle-aged and old age.

I wrote a film review for the movie “Road to Revolution”, saying that love is like revolution and marriage is like institution.During the revolution, there was no particularly strong rationality, and he listened to the call of his own soul. But living a life requires a lot of arrangements and mechanisms. This is governance. What everyone sees is that there will be a sense of disillusionment in a vigorous love until marriage. It is like the French Revolution, which created a system, which is actually very unsatisfactory. But if you really have a very good memory of love, even if it will be diluted in the long years of parents, it will definitely make you relive it at some point. It has its power.

So, in such a sad, pessimistic, and depressed atmosphere, why do people still watch those classic love stories? In fact, I still have a longing for it It’s just our appeal: we need a partner; at the same time, we are not willing to interfere with our autonomy and uniqueness. Because people are afraid of being alone, or living in the consequences of choices like loneliness, people must be strong.

What about this? Let me mention a background again. The relationship between people in modern society is “in the world”. These three words sound awkward, referring to the society in which people live, and at the same time implying that human life is an activity that occurs between people. When people in this society become more and more free, what we have in common is “talking to each other.”

I may be someone who believes in communication too much. There are two ways to face a conflict. Either use force to fight a fight to distinguish right from wrong, or you can stop contacting each other. The rest is conversation. So falling in love is talking, you have to talk, talking and communicating is an opportunity for change. Humans can change. We talked about existentialism in our book. Sartre said that humans have no essence, and that humans are constantly becoming who.

We need soul mates, pen pals, lovers, friends, etc. We need tolerant, understanding, and conversational relationships. The instrumental rationality mentioned earlier when talking about “scum men and women” has its own application areas. But human beings have a life world outside the “system”. This is about our freedom, dignity, love and justice.

The ideal relationship here is: The more you are yourself, the more you are loved by another person. Two-person “mini-communism” is possible, that is, “my greatest wish is to make you happy, so when I fulfill you, I have fulfilled my deepest hope.”

This article is from WeChat official account:GQ report (ID: GQREPORT) , Author: Lin small four, deer, interviews, Editor: Lin small four