Know how communication difficulties occur, in order to know how to communicate effectively

This article comes from “Zhang Jun study notes” (ID: talang1002015), author Wen Shi Zhang Jun

I used to think that it was difficult for others to communicate, but then I found that people everywhere are difficult to communicate… So I began to reflect on whether I had a problem. I read a lot of books and read a lot of articles and materials. Until I saw a book “Key Dialogue”, emmm… Author Cory Patterson also wrote a “Key Conflict” I also read, the content is the same. Finally, I found out that I am the one who is difficult to communicate. In short, after I read this book and practiced according to the method taught in this book, I found that there is an immediate effect! Share it to everyone:

First, understand the communication process. Know how communication difficulties occur and how to communicate effectively. Figure:

PS: There is no way to communicate effectively. The key point is the “subjective” section:

What is The whole process is in the order of development: first we will see each other’s behavior, and then fiction a plot in the brain to explain why they do this; next, this plot will Let us form a certain feeling, under the influence of this feeling, we will take corresponding actions and corresponding dialogues. If this episode is disgusting, we will have an anger that will cause us to secrete a large amount of adrenaline. The blood will flow from our brain to the whole body, stimulating the body’s original instinct to cope with the “confrontation or escape” conflict. So, when we are controlled by emotions, we can’t talk rationally. So we started to quarrel and be angry like a fool, which of course is not effective communication.

This shows that if we can conceive different plots, we can control our emotions. (PS: Of course, not to conceive the plot of self-deception, but to make yourself rational)

To communicate effectively, share a few points:

1. Control your emotions

The wrong way is: Colleagues tell you that you have something wrong in your work, and it is made publicly (what you see and hear) – you think this colleague is aiming at you, deliberately letting you It’s very ugly, very unfriendly, and ta once saw that you are not pleasing to the eye. He must want to give himself a horse through this dialogue, improve his position in the heart of his colleagues, and devalue your position.Ta ugly face details have been thought of (subjective severance) – so you are very angry (formation feeling) – so you replied that you are not right, you have to target me! Then you quarreled (beginning “conversation”). Then, start the old account, personal attacks, vicious circle.

Control your emotions and start by consciously stopping your own subjective judgment. Still, my colleague tells you that you have something wrong in your work and it is made public (what you see and hear), although in an instant you start thinking about a bad plot. But you immediately realize that you can’t let the emotions spread. This is something that needs to be practiced deliberately. Because you know that emotions will not help you solve problems, only create conflicts.

tips: Actually other people can’t make you fall into a certain mood. You create your own emotions, and you make yourself feel scared, annoyed or angry. It is always your own to make you feel emotional. In the presence of strong emotions, if you can’t control it, it will become its captive. Ok, now that emotions are under control, what should I do next? To understand your communication motivation, that is: what results do I want.

2. Think clearly about your communication motivation

The specific method is: When you find yourself in a state of silence or violence, stop talking and calmly think about your motivation. Ask yourself such a question, my current behavior shows what my motivation is?

Colleagues tell you that you have somewhere in your work that you did wrong, and that you made it in public (what you saw and heard), now that you know how to control your emotions, you don’t let your emotions become dislocated. Wild horses, and then you are thinking about your own communication motives.

Obviously, what you want is not to quarrel with your colleagues. What you want is to do your job efficiently and make yourself progress (your motivation or the result you want). Now that you are clear about your motivation for progress, then the questions pointed out by colleagues, we should think about it, whether it makes sense, if the other party is right, it is to help you find a problem, now you Not only will not be angry, but also thank your colleagues. You see, when you control your emotions and think clearly about your motivation, we are at least not angry and are willing to communicate.

3. Establish a sense of security

We all have this experience. In fact, some people have been exporting, but they are not angry. For example, a friend yelled at me for a night of stupidity because he was worried that one of my investments was risky. But I don’t care if he marries me. The reason why this is because I believe that my friend’s intention is good, is to care about me or my goals. In other words, because you believe in the other’s intentions, you will be patient and accept unpleasant expressions.

So, when we communicate with others, our communication must be based on the premise and foundation of security. When the other person feels nervous and feels insecure, everything you say is futile. In turn, such asIf you can create a sense of security, you can talk to anyone about any issues. The communication object will not be angry because of your expression, and the resistance is due to the loss of security in the conversation. Therefore, the key to the problem is not the content of the dialogue itself, but the way and atmosphere of the dialogue.

So, when I have different opinions with my colleagues, the first thing we need to do is to establish a secure environment for communication. We can’t blink and speak out when we come up, and make any biased conclusions. What we want to emphasize with the other is that it is definitely not diss you, we just want to discuss the issue very frankly. Note that this is not a one-sense technique, but really a sincere communication. However, Guangcheng can’t solve the problem and needs to establish a common goal.

4. Establish a common goal

What does the common goal mean? It means that there is no confrontation between the two parties. There is a common communication goal. It is to solve a certain problem together, not to stand on the opposite side. Feel the difference. Now you and your colleagues are discussing a difference.

When there is a common goal, your conversation is “Look, our common goal is to solve the xx problem, now we have to talk about our reasons separately”, so under the common goal You begin to explore the issue sensibly.

When there is no common goal, your conversation is “You are not right, it is not reliable,” so you put the two sides on the opposite side and started. Deviate from the problem that was supposed to be solved.

5. Seeking common ground while reserving differences

You need to know clearly that goals can be a common goal, but everyone has their own values, opinions, and positions. These are not easily changed. When we are aware of this, what we want is a calm communication and problem solving, rather than letting others recognize your approach.

6. Specific case

After a simple investigation, we all have a common quarrel, that is your mother. Your mom often “swears you” and quarrels as soon as you communicate. After you read this article, use my method to deal with your mother.

I used to be obsessed with you and your mother. It’s always irritating to let the other person “listen to their own.” For example, when you want to choose to go to an internet company, but your mom thinks you should be a civil servant…

The wrong communication process is, your mother told you that you should go to be a civil servant (what you see and hear), you have no control over your emotions, you already think that your mother has to swear you for 2 hours and keep on checking the old accounts (subjective judgment) ), so you are sick of (formation), so reply to your mother loudly, “Don’t take care of me again! You think you are good to me, I don’t need it! You don’t know anything” (to conduct a conversation). Then everyone can think of it…

When you learn how to communicate effectively, your communicationThe process is:

Your mother told you that you should go to be a civil servant (what you see and hear), you control your emotions, don’t let yourself associate (subjectively), you think about your communication motives, that is, make the family atmosphere harmonious, can each other Understand (think clearly about communication motivation), so you are not very angry, your mentality is very peaceful (formation feeling), so you said to your mother, “Mom, I am very willing to discuss this matter with you, I have not Refused your offer, but I also want to tell you about my thoughts” (establishing a secure communication environment).

At this point, your mother has a little hesitation. How do you talk about this child? It is very different in peacetime. Then you said, Mom, you see, your common goal with me will make me better in the future (to establish a common goal). The reason I choose the Internet is that I am younger now, and my classmates have to go to civil servants. Now the status quo of civil servants is xxxx, so I think I can try it, but I am not saying that the solution you are talking about is not good (seeking common ground while reserving differences). Emmm, you said a little more about loving mom…

In short, your mother’s reaction is that she seems to want to be in a hurry, and there is no reason to be anxious. Then she looks suspicious, and she turns away. When she turns around, she still has a face that should not be like this. “Question.” Your communication can really be called communication, not quarrel. You and your mother will not be angry, your mother began to try to understand you, and also gave you a dish you love.