The influence of others on you far exceeds your imagination

Editor’s note: This article comes from WeChat public account “ SusanKuang “(ID: susankuang2014) by Susan Kuang.

Every trouble comes from interpersonal relationships

I don’t know if you have found out that the time we are in is becoming an age with more emphasis on the individual and self. At the same time, independence and rationality are more and more valued by everyone. We all hope I can become independent, live the way I want, and pursue the future I want.

However, the emphasis on self, independence, and reason makes us completely ignore the important nature of human beings—sociality. The existence of this social nature determines that we will instinctively care about what others think of us, and we will unconsciously want to be recognized by others. If we do not understand this nature in ourselves, we cannot truly understand ourselves. Without understanding ourselves, it is difficult to break through the limitations of our nature and become the independent and free individual we desire to be.

Today in this article, I will take you to understand the social nature of our body and how it affects us.

The evolutionary logic of self-esteem

Regarding society or groups, we always have an idealistic illusion that everyone should be equal and should not be divided into ranks, but the truth is that social ranks are not created by humans. It is a group attribute that already exists, that is, as long as there is a group, there will be a hierarchical position. Not only that, the status of the group and the formation of the dominant level are also very rapid.

Researchers have done such an experiment. They recruited 59 groups of 3 people each. These 3 people did not know before the experiment. The final results showed that 50% of the groups formed a clear hierarchical relationship within 1 minute; the other 50% of the groups also formed a clear hierarchical relationship within 5 minutes.

I believe this has happened to us. We seem to be born with the ability: when we enter a new group, we can quickly accurately estimate our future position in this group relationship, and for those groups we belong to, such as the company team , Family, group of friends, and so on, we also know exactly where we stand in these relationships.

This ability is indeed a kind of instinct that we were born with. It is a very important socio-psychological mechanism that evolution has given us. This psychological mechanism is not only for humans, but for almost all social animals that live on groups Both.

You may be wondering why there must be hierarchy in the group, and what is the benefit of this psychological mechanism that can quickly determine your own rank status?

To explain this problem, we can assume such an original scenario:

The two chimpanzees met because they saw the same site. At this time, there is only one way to determine who owns the site. That is, the two sides fight each other and use force to decide the winner. Although this method allows limited resources to be allocated, it is a very stupid strategy, because fighting is costly for both the loser and the winner: the loser may be injured or even die, and the victory People may also be injured and have to consume a lot of energy for this.

If you have to fight for your life every time you meet your opponent, all individuals will often spend their precious energy, time and opportunity on fighting. However, if the two sides knew stubbornness and weakness at the beginning, the weaker side would naturally choose to give up at the beginning. In this way, the two sides would not have to spend the price on fighting.

If there is a psychological mechanism that allows us to evaluate and compare the fighting ability of ourselves and others, then natural selection will certainly favor this assessment ability and allow it to evolve.

It can be seen that the reason why social animals have evolved this psychological mechanism for judging status is because it can solve the problem of resource allocation within the group very efficiently: individuals with low locality encounter individuals with high status At that time, he will suppress the desire for resources and actively give up resources to those with high status, so as to avoid conflicts and unnecessary losses. With such a psychological mechanism, the group will not always be in conflict and struggle because of resource scramble, but can better coexist peacefully.

It is worth mentioning that the hierarchical status within the group is not completely constant, but rather dynamic, which means that each member has a chance to obtain a higher status. The advantages of higher social rank are obvious, because the higher the social rank, the more resources can be obtained, and the chance of reproduction will be greatly increased: men with higher ranks are more likely to provide better protection and resources. Favored by women, it will also have more mating rights, and can better protect women and their offspring; women with higher status can also give more resources and protection to offspring, and the survival rate of offspring Would be higher.

It is precisely because higher status can bring reproduction advantages that natural selection has allowed us to evolve the nature of love comparison and the inherent motivation to strive for higher status and rank, as psychologist Yue Xiaodong said “People live in a sense of comparison.” Famous American economyThe scientist Robert Frank once said the same sentence, saying, “We are born with a nervous system for social status.”

Most of these comparisons and struggles are unconscious. Even if we do n’t want to compare, our brains automatically perform calculations based on various external information and clues, determine our status at this time, and use emotion Give us a “signal” that prompts us to do everything we can to maintain our status or pursue a higher status.

This psychological mechanism actually has a name we all know, which is Self-esteem. In evolutionary psychology, self-esteem is interpreted as a mechanism for tracking prestige, rights, and social status. This psychological mechanism uses specific criteria to measure a person’s prestige and status, thereby triggering emotions related to self-esteem.

There is a fear called “I’m not good enough”

Adler, the founder of “Individual Psychology”, has a famous saying: All troubles are troubles of interpersonal relationships (relationship problems). Adler’s troubles in interpersonal relationships are related to the self-esteem psychological mechanism we mentioned above.

There is a very important concept in Adler psychology: inferiority, a word about self-worth judgment, which refers to a “feel” of less value. According to Adler, “individuals” cannot exist without social relations. As long as they exist in social relations, there will be comparisons. As long as there is comparison, there will be a sense of inferiority.

However, Adler does not think that having inferiority is a bad thing. As long as it is handled properly, inferiority can become an opportunity for self-growth. Develop into an inferiority complex.

If you think about it, we find that Adler’s sentence really makes sense. If I give you a piece of paper and a pen now, so that you can write down the worries, worry and anxiety in your heart, I might get a list like this:

Afraid of not doing well;

Fear of making mistakes;

Afraid of failure;

Fear of being criticized and accused;

Fear of not being recognized;

Afraid of not being successful;

Fear of being inferior to others;

Fear of being looked down upon by others;

Afraid that others don’t like themselves;

Fear of being disappointed in others;

…….

These anxieties and fears may seem different on the surface, but they can all come down to a common fear, which is the fear of “I am not good enough.”

For example, why are we always afraid of not doing well ourselves, afraid of making mistakes and failing? Because it makes usFeeling incompetent, incompetence means not good enough.

For another example, why are we always afraid that we are not successful and that we are not as good as others? Because no achievement is worse than others, it means that you are ordinary, ordinary, not excellent, and not good is not good enough.

Why are we so afraid that we are not good enough? With the recent understanding of the evolutionary logic behind self-esteem, it is not difficult for us to understand that this psychology is essentially a self-defense because there is a logic behind it: if I am not good enough, others will not accept and recognize it I, without acceptance and recognition, is not important and has no status in the group. Without status means being bullied, exploited, or even eliminated and sacrificed.

So, When we are worried that we are not good enough, what we really need is actually recognition and determination of self-worth and status-we need to be sure that we are important, worthy of being accepted, and worthy of being Approved . Only in this way can we feel that our subsistence is guaranteed and we have a sense of security in the subconscious.

However, in this era of highly developed social media, this sense of security has become more and more difficult to obtain, because social media allows us to live in comparisons all the time: every time you turn on your mobile phone, everyone ’s “good” life , “Success” stories will automatically appear in front of our eyes. Not only that, it also greatly expands our scope of comparison.

Actually, what we see on social media is not the real world at all, but filtered and distorted, because people always like to exaggerate themselves and try their best to make them look more status and more successful. But the problem is that our brain doesn’t know that it thinks what it sees is real.

Many studies have shown that social media is directly linked to higher levels of loneliness, jealousy, anxiety, depression, and narcissism. This is why everyone is now generally anxious and their self-worth is low.

If a person is in such a low sense of value for a long time, they will be prone to psychological problems and mental disorders.

Postmodern psychology believes that one of the most important reasons why people have psychological problems is that they fail to meet certain mainstream standards and expectations in their social culture. At this time, you will feel yourself Failure is incompetent and is not recognized by others. American psychologist and psychotherapist Nathaniel Brandon also said that any mental illness, whether it is anxiety, depression, or fear of intimacy or success, can be traced to low self-esteem (low value) )The problem.

How to find inner security

Speaking of which, you may ask: What are the ways to get rid of the fear and fear of “I am not good enough” and the low value that I feel because I feel that I am not good enough?

Of course there are ways.

PassIn the previous analysis, we have learned that the reason why we are afraid that we are not good enough is because we are afraid of losing our status and value. In fact, this need for a sense of value is not bad, but it also helps our self-development. It is because of this strong internal demand that we will continue to improve and strive to improve our ability Make yourself a valuable person to others and society.

So, the key to the problem is not the need to have a sense of self-worth, but rather the standards and methods of judging self-worth: we always habitually take the results of our own performance, comparisons with others, and other people’s evaluation of us and Views, and whether we have reached a certain mainstream standard to judge ourselves. Only when these are positive, we will feel that we are good enough and our sense of self-worth can be satisfied.

Why is this approach problematic? It’s very simple, because it depends on things we can’t control ourselves: we have no way to control ourselves not to make mistakes and fail, we can’t ensure that the results are satisfactory every time, all are successful, and there is no way to control others Evaluations and opinions of us, and no matter how good we are, there must be better people in this world than us.

There is no doubt that when we build our self-worth on those uncontrollable results, we will naturally live in anxiety and anxiety because of this uncertainty, and once the results do not reach the so-called “Good” standards, such as the planned task is not completed, has not been praised and recognized by others, or see others better than themselves, and so on, we will immediately come up with “I am not good enough” self-denial Voice, inner self-worth will also decrease.

Although we have no way to control the result, one thing we can control is the way we look at the result. If we can look at the so-called “bad” and “failures” from a different angle, instead of treating them as a denial of self-worth, we can treat them as an opportunity for self-growth and compare them with Self-improvement to connect, then we will not have the idea of ​​”I am not good enough” due to temporary shortcomings and failures, and we will not always live in worry and anxiety about whether we are good enough, but we can bring more Focus on important goals.

Of course, this kind of perspective conversion is not an easy task, because it requires our instincts innate with ourselves, as well as the already entrenched judgment habits, and requires long-term deliberate practice to Cultivate two new abilities and thinking habits-the ability to accept unconditionally and growing thinking.

Unconditional self-acceptance is to abandon the habit of judgment, and learn to accept the shortcomings and shortcomings of yourself, and not use these shortcomings to attack yourself or deny your own value. Only then can we reduce meaningless self-consumption, self-criticism from time to time, and “I am not good enough”Freed from shame.

Growth thinking is to believe that human abilities are not fixed, but that they are always developing, so any shortcomings and failures are temporary. As long as you are willing to work hard, you can continue to improve and grow. Keep going in the direction you want.

These two low-level abilities can be said to be a magic weapon against all anxieties about self-worth. Once we have these abilities, we will feel more secure inside, and we will live more easily and freely, because we do n’t Think about how to prove yourself, and don’t care too much about others’ evaluations and opinions because you want to maintain your self-esteem. With this sense of security, the troubles in interpersonal relationships will naturally be reduced. Not only that, we can even establish healthier relationships and more meaningful connections with others.