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Don’t just be gentle with others, be harsh with yourself.

Shenyi Translation Bureau is its compilation team, focusing on technology, business, workplace, life and other fields, focusing on introducing foreign new technologies, new ideas, and new trends.

Editor’s note: There is a kind of person who is very kind to the people around them, who cares about others, and is willing to empathize with the sufferings of others, but when they do not do well, they will fall into endless self-blame and self No, never learn to “leave yourself off”. In most cases, the people who are most harsh and cruel to us are often ourselves. To learn to reconcile with yourself, start by trying to “care for yourself”. Through this article, you can learn the five habits of self-care, and hope to help you. Article translated from Medium, author Nick Wignall, original title 5 Habits for Greater Self-Compassion. This article is divided into two parts, this is the first one.

• Extended reading: Reconciliation with yourself, Just develop these 5 good habits of self-care (below)

  

  Most of us are fighting against ourselves—and we do n’t even know it.

  We are taught to believe that being strict with ourselves is a necessary condition for a successful and happy life. Just like the army training sergeant insults the “weak” recruits, we believe in growing up that unless we “strengthen ourselves”, we will always be weak.

  So we developed a strict habit of ourselves:

  • We actively criticize everything about ourselves unless we achieve the highest level of performance or achievement.

  • We endlessly reflect on past mistakes, thinking that with enough self-punishment, we will not make the same mistakes in the future.

  • We judge ourselves by fear, embarrassment, and fatigue, because this seems to be a weak or lack of personality.
    

    There are two such beliefs that must be severeQuestion: 1. It doesn’t work. 2. It makes you suffer.

    I have never met a truly happy person who is always mean to himself. Although most successful people I know have self-discipline habits, they are not successful because of self-punishment.

    Except for making you painful, painful fear and punishment are unsustainable methods for anything.

    But when you build your whole life on the belief that unless I am strict with myself, I will fail, so letting go may be a challenge for you.

    As a psychologist, a lot of my own work involves a kind of person. They are smooth sailing on the road to success, but they are more and more painful and tired. They slowly realized that success without happiness was not real success at all.

    So they come for treatment and want to “release” their negative self-talk and judgment. But the problem is: you ca n’t just simply “give up” a way you ’ve made for the whole life, without creating new things to replace it.

    So what is the solution? Self-care.

    Self-care is a very simple concept: it means treating yourself like a good friend, especially when you doubt yourself, have difficulty, or fail.

    Fortunately, this is a skill that anyone can learn. It also has a transformative impact: In addition to improving basic happiness and satisfaction, self-care can also make you stronger and more productive. Because when you stop putting your energy into hitting yourself, you can put it into your goals and ambitions, which will accelerate your progress.

    But self-care is not a simple decision. This is a manner of attitude and existence that must be established over time, and the way to establish it is to develop habits. In this article, I will show you 5 habits you can use to improve self-care.

    Learn to observe your emotions without judgment.

    As a psychologist, I am always surprised by people ’s evaluation of themselves, especially about things they cannot directly control—their emotions.

    Listen, it does n’t make sense to make moral judgments about things you ca n’t control. This is why no one in the legal system will be sent to prison for feeling very angry; you will only be convicted and punished if you hurt others. You cannot control your emotions, only your actions.

    So intellectually we all know that there is no point in judging ourselves based on feelings. However, we still do this often:

    • We tell ourselves that we are sadThe injury is sad.

    • We criticize ourselves for feeling anxious and nervous, rather than confident and strong.

    • We think we are weak because we are frustrated and impatient, not love and generosity.
      

      You will not judge others because they have brown hair, green eyes, or an alcoholic father, because these are not under their control. So, when things are not under your control, why do you judge yourself based on your feelings?

      It would be nice if we could directly change our emotions: we can increase happiness or press the “calm” button. Isn’t that great?

      But judging your own emotions is not only meaningless, it can also cause you pain.

      If you always criticize yourself for something you ca n’t control, then you will feel weak and worthless, and you will eventually feel hopeless.

      The solution is to learn to observe your emotions, pay attention to them, and do not judge them.

      Every good scientist knows that before you start creating theories and conducting experiments, it is important to observe carefully. Similarly, before you rush to punish yourself, try to observe it.

      The best way to start is to practice describing your emotions in simple words. When you are frustrated, do n’t avoid this feeling, and do n’t cover it up with vague language such as “I am stressed” or “I am at a loss”, try to describe how you feel like a six-year-old: p>

      • I am sad.

      • I am angry.

      • I feel scared.

      • I feel guilty.

      • I was irritated.

      • I feel lonely.

      • I am proud of myself.
        

        When you develop the habit of describing your emotions in plain, ordinary language, instead of rationalizing them, you will find that you have less and less judgment on them. And, little by little, you will become better at self-care.

        Can you observe without making comments in your head, drawing conclusions, comparing or trying to figure out something? ——Eckhart Tolle (Eckhart Tolle)

        Take a little time at night to do a daily review

        A common misconception about self-care is that it is a mysterious positivityNaive conviction-as if the simple decision to love yourself will wash away all your difficulties to some extent. This is nonsense.

        Self-care is a reality for yourself.

        You see, most people who are used to harsh and judgment on themselves are actually very irrational and unrealistic. I mean, empirically, what could be more wrong than telling yourself “Ah, I’m such an asshole” after getting an A instead of an A + in an exam? Or your speech is not as popular as you think After that, say to yourself “I might be fired”?

        Self-care is just a realistic assessment of yourself and your performance:

        • Well, I ’m a little disappointed that I did n’t get A +, but A is still very good, especially considering that the class average is B-.

        • Although that is not my best performance, everyone has a bad condition.
          

          Remember, practicing self-care is the same as caring for others, except that it turns to your own inner. If your friends are worried about being fired because of mistakes at work, you may not tell them “Go to you! You cheer me up, don’t be so lazy.” Instead, you will behave in a realistic way Care and support: “Yes, I am disappointed, but we all make mistakes, and I doubt you will be fired.”

          After experiencing mistakes or setbacks, a good way to cultivate more compassion and reality for yourself is to develop the habit of reviewing every day.

          Daily review is a simple procedure, it can objectively and balancedly review your day’s work-record the positive aspects and what you can do.

          Here is how to start a daily review:

          • Choose a 5-minute time slot at night. Set up a regular reminder in your phone and turn off the phone at this time of the day.

          • When your reminder sounds, take out your phone (or notebook) and write two headlines: 1) How is your day going? 2) What can I improve?

          • Then, take a few minutes to review your day and briefly write down what you think of each day.

          • Importantly, this should be a quick exercise. You are not writing a thesis, just write down a few things. The whole exercise should not exceed 5 minutes.
            

            If you can do this for a week or two, you will find that you are more objective and compassionate about your mistakes and mistakes. More importantly, you will find yourself starting to notice the moments of success more often, and therefore give yourself extra points!

            I thank God for my failure. Maybe not at that time, but after some reflection. I never feel that I am a loser because something I have tried fails. ——Dolly Parton (Dolly Parton)

            Translator: Yoyo_J