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Hope to give you some strength.

Editor’s note: This article is from the WeChat public account “Mr. L said” (ID: lxianshengmiao), author Lachel . Original title: “MinI feel you, I want to tell you“.

Have you ever felt this way:

When it comes to a problem, I always think over and over again subconsciously, so that people often say “think too much”;

It is easy to feel exhausted, especially when experiencing some lively activities, such as gathering with many new friends;

The emotional ups and downs are great, and many small things in the eyes of others will cause huge fluctuations in your mood;

I’m afraid of getting out of the control of daily life, such as going to meet strangers and trying things you haven’t done before, will make you feel stressed;

Extremely need a quiet environment, very repulsive things that require a quick response to the outside world;

The empathy is very strong, and I can put myself to experience the feelings of others, so that I am often treated as the object of confession…

……

If you look at the above items and your inner monologue is “This is me,” then we are probably the same type of people.

Because I have had a lot of such troubles myself.

I am very unaccustomed to talking face to face with people. I don’t like to make phone calls. I even feel tired even in one-on-one WeChat chats. So my usual mode of communication with partners is: please leave me a message, do not call, I will reply to you.

(For this reason, I am often complained by them that “no one can be found”)

I am also not used to seeing strange friends. In the past few years, all invitations to meet have been pushed and pushed; sometimes when you force yourself to meet some partners, you have to do a good job of psychological construction in advance to relieve the pressure.

Every time I go to some parties or dinners, I am always the quietest one on the side. It’s not that I don’t want to blend in with them, but I really feel tired. I don’t want to speak, so I want to stay quiet.

If you have had such an experience, I think you will understand me very well.

Many people may feel that these performances are too “hypocritical” or even “arrogant”, “selfish” and “inhuman”-but in fact, only people who have really felt this way, To realize the psychological burden and struggle behind it:

It’s not that we don’t want to be “like others,” but it’s really difficult.

This is not an excuse.

In 1997, a couple of psychologists Elaine N. Aron and Arthur Aron pointed out: There is indeed such a group of people who are more delicate, sensitive and vulnerable than others. They call this group of people “Highly Sensitive Person” (HSP).

A series of studies believe that about 20% of the population are “highly sensitive people.” In order for them to integrate well into the social environment, they usually need to bear greater psychological burden and effort than others.

So, what exactly is “highly sensitive”?

In the original definition, the Arons put forward: High sensitivity refers to a group of people who are highly sensitive to internal and external stimuli and are particularly easily overwhelmed by emotions.

For example: some small things (such as phone calls, communicating with strangers, etc.) may not cause any disturbance in the heart for ordinary people; but for highly sensitive people, these will disturb them Inner expectations cause huge emotional swings, which makes them feel extremely tired.

Later, in a study published in 2010, the Arons proposed a new standard called the “DOES” standard, including: deep rumination, stimulus overload, emotional response and detailed perception.

In short:

Highly sensitive people can perceive very subtle stimuli. At the same time, they tend to associate and process any stimulus deeply. This leads to, no matter how small the stimulus, it is easy to cause their emotional response. This produces “stimulus overload.”

For example: When chatting in the department’s WeChat group, someone accidentally said to you: “So and so, why are you so procrastinating?”

Ordinary people may just look at it, and they won’t even notice it at all, or even notice it at all – but for highly sensitive people, it’s easy to react like this:

• Detail perception: Hey, what does this person mean by procrastinating?

• Deep rumination: What is she referring to? I used to haveDid something make her unhappy?

• Emotional reaction: Well, they are all in the same department. See you when you look up and bow your head. What about many cooperations in the future?

• Stimulation overload: so annoying, life is so gloomy…

So, why do highly sensitive people need to bear a greater psychological burden? This is because many things that are fundamentally insignificant to ordinary people, for highly sensitive people, must work hard to adjust themselves and adapt to themselves in order to appear “quiet” on the surface.

In layman’s terms, this may be called “too much inner play.”

This is also the reason why many highly sensitive people have more or less “social fear”-under such pressure and psychological burden, who can socialize happily?

But please don’t blame them, they don’t want to be like this.

Why do you say that? Because the characteristic of high sensitivity does have its physiological factors.

Many studies have shown that the brains of highly sensitive people are indeed different from ordinary people.

For example, the research found by neuroscientist Bianca P. Acevedo (Acevedo et al., 2014, 2018): In the brains of highly sensitive people, there is no need for brains related to consciousness, sensory information integration, empathy, and social relationships. District, activities will be more active.

A 2011 study found (Chen Chunhui et al., 2011): The dopamine modulation and receptor system of highly sensitive people is significantly different from that of ordinary people.

A 2019 study found (Assary et al., 2019): High sensitivity is a heritable trait with a certain degree of heritability.

……

And so on.

On the whole, the brain differences of highly sensitive people can be roughly divided into these four types:

1) The exogenous dopamine reward system is weaker.

When we actively interact with the outside world, dopamine secretion will increase, which will promote us to integrate into society more actively. But for highly sensitive people, this kind of dopamine reward from the outside world will be weaker, so that they will get less social feedback.

On the other hand, this also makes most highly sensitive people, when receiving a lot of fresh stimuli, they are often not attracted and disturbed, but rather remain thoughtful.

2) Mirror neurons are more active.

What is a mirror neuron? In simple terms, it refers to a type of neurons in the brain: when you see the state of others, they will be activated synchronously, bringing you similar feelings.

For example: if you see someone being scratched by a knife and bleeding, you will feel as if you are bleeding too, and there is a kind of mental pain – this is the function of mirror neurons.

The mirror neurons of highly sensitive people are more active, which makes them more likely to “empathize” with others.

3) The brain area of ​​vmPFC is more active.

The vmPFC brain area, the ventromedial prefrontal cortex, is closely connected with the brain area involved in the integration of emotion and sensory information, and affects your “emotional response” to external things.

To put it simply, when highly sensitive people come into contact with external information, they are more likely to associate it with their own past experience, thereby experiencing stronger “inner feelings.”

Take a chestnut: In the same sentence, others may not care, but highly sensitive people may This is the reason why I think of my own past experience of making fools and failures, resulting in huge psychological fluctuations.

4) The social system is more active.

Many studies by Bianca P. Acevedo have found that the brains of highly sensitive people are more active in areas dealing with self-awareness and social relationships.

What does this mean? It means that when it comes to the “relationship between me and others”, highly sensitive people will enter a highly awakened state, thus, subconsciously check their own words and deeds: whether there is a problem, whether it is appropriate, whether it is wrong… …

The pressure brought by this state can be imagined Got it.

So, if you are such a person, please allow me to give you a hug: I understand you very well and empathize with me. It is indeed not easy.

If you are not, but there are such people around you, I hope that you can give them more understanding, tolerance and patience.

Because they just keep “normal socializing” and have tried their best.

After saying so much, you might think: Highly sensitive traits, and introversion, seem quite similar?

It is true, the characteristics of the two overlap very much, but they are conceptually quite different.

Introverted, focusing on the source of energy. An introvert, he will like to be alone and restore energy when alone. On the contrary, exploring the world and socializing with others is a burden for him and requires energy consumption.

On the other hand, extroverts get energy from social interactions and feel bored and very uncomfortable when they are alone.

High sensitivity refers to the response to stimuli. The biggest feature is that he will pay attention to many subtle places, and he is prone to have a great reaction to the small details, and often suffers from “emotional fatigue”.

So, highly sensitive people are not necessarily introverted, and they may not like to be alone-many times they have to be alone. Because exploring the world, they will encounter a lot of stimuli, which will put their emotions and energy to a huge test.

Actually, the groups of highly sensitive people and introverts overlap, but not many—according to the research of the Arons: About 30% of highly sensitive people are extroverts. A considerable part of the remaining 70% are “flexible people”, who are neither extroverts nor introverts.

(So, what is the state of an extroverted highly sensitive person? That is: there is little feedback from social interactions, emotional fluctuations, but being aloneWill feel more boring.

How powerful is this inside……)

Conversely, there is another personality trait that should be distinguished from high sensitivity: implicit narcissism.

What is implicit narcissism? It is a heterogeneous self-esteem. Hidden narcissists tend to have high self-esteem, but at the same time they are very fragile.

They are eager for the approval and affirmation of others, and when they are doubted and denied, they will be aggressive.

Simply put, highly sensitive people tend to attribute negative information inwardly, so they often lead to self-denial and self-doubt. The most common one is “impersonator syndrome.”

Take a chestnut: Hearing others say bad things about themselves, highly sensitive people tend to “analyze the heart” and have self-doubt “Am I really doing badly?”

If things go on like this, even if I have achieved a certain degree, I will feel in my heart:

These achievements don’t seem to be what I deserve… Am I really worthy? Will I be “exposed” by others?

As for implicit narcissists, they tend to be extroverted attribution to negative reviews, and lead to anger, stubbornness, and counterattack.

For example: Hearing others say that they are not good, implicit narcissists often think that “it’s not my fault, but the world’s fault” and “you don’t understand me.” Therefore, it is easy to go to extremes and behave like Out offensive.

What is the essential difference between the two? This is because implicit narcissists do not believe in the world, and are fundamentally defensive. At the same time, they are unwilling to empathize with others.

This leads to: They are not really sensitive, but while watching with cold eyes, they know how to “cater” the world and show empathy.

As for highly sensitive people, they really believe in the world and are willing to open their minds to understand others, help others, empathize with others, and let others enter their own world.

It is precisely because they love the world that they are more vulnerable.

So, if you are a highly sensitive person, in this world, how should you make your life as better as possible?

Share a few of my own personal experience, hoping to give you some inspiration.

1. Flexible mentality mode

This is a model that I highly respect, and it really helped me a lot.

What is “flexible mentality mode”? In short: as we grow up, we will be instilled and shaped a lot of beliefs, and gradually form a set of rules about the operation of this world.

For example:

• Leave a good impression on others, so as to gain their favor and trust;

• To maintain your own image, try not to make a fool of yourself or do something wrong, otherwise you will be laughed at;

• I can’t “lost” to others, and I can’t let myself lose face, otherwise I will be despised;

• Can’t refuse others, otherwise you may be hated by others…

And so on. Under these restrictions and constraints imposed on us, we will have a difficult life. Will involuntarily compare their performance and results with these rules one by one: Am I doing well, am I doing it right? Have I violated this rule? What about the other one?

This is one reason why many people live with fear every day and feel very stressed.

The “flexible mentality mode” is just such a mentality: putting aside these so-called “rules” and treating life as a game of leveling and upgrading, we only focus on two things:

1) Have I grown, have I made myself better, even a little bit?

2) Do my actions violate my conscience, bottom line and principles?

Other than that, everything can be ignored for the time being, and none is “insurmountable.”

For example:

• Why do we have to show people with a “perfect image”? Can I have my own maverick style, hobbies, habits?

• Why do I have to meet other people’s expectations and presuppositions? Can I have my own direction and lifestyle?

• Why do I have to “leave a good impression on others”? This is me. You may not like it or adapt to it, but can you accept it?

……

For example: You may have social fears because you always behave awkwardly in front of others-you are worried that this will leave a bad impression on people, so you have been afraid to contact strangers.

But: Who said that a person must be “not clumsy”? Is this important? Will it make others seriously misunderstand you? If not, why can’t you accept “I am this style” and let others accept this setting?

If you can apply this mentality well, you will find that a lot of stress and distress are actually asking for trouble.

Its essence is to help you raise your own threshold, reduce the impact of all internal and external stimuli on you, so that you can maintain a better state and truly “be yourself.”

2. Reserve your own energy tank

Highly sensitive people, because they often suffer from emotional ups and downs, can easily fall into emotional overload and fatigue, feel that they don’t want to do anything, and have no motivation for anything.

At this time, you need some positive incentives and feedback to help you recover your motivation and state.

Actually, there is another characteristic of highly sensitive people: because highly sensitive people have more active lower back gyrus, they will have greater reactions when processing information related to positive emotions.

In short, for highly sensitive people: a little thing can easily make them depressed, frustrated, and frustrated; but at the same time, a little bit of happiness is enough to make them excited and feel that life has suddenly shot in. a ray of sunshine.

So, it is very necessary to store more happiness in life, that is, one’s own energy store.

What is an energy tank? I will divide a person’s energy sources into three types, namely:

1) Play and feedback on skills and achievements.

For example, at work, I completed a difficult task and won the approval of the boss and customers; I did a favor to my colleagues, and I was appreciated and appreciated by my colleagues. and many more.

2) Effective and close social interaction

For example: two or three friends who can talk about their troubles; a circle or event where you can meet new like-minded friends. and many more.

3) Spiritual activities that can gain a sense of pleasure

For example: reading novels, watching movies, playing games, shopping, exploring stores, outdoor sports… and so on.

You can usually pay more attention to store more happiness from these channels, and provide yourself with a sense of identity, value, and freshness.

For example:

• Save the affirmation and appreciation you usually get, and show it when you are depressed;

• Reserve a few friends who can be called out, and pull them out to meet and chat when they are lost;

• Participate in some small groups, small circles, participate in their activities, and meet people who can chat;

• Expand your interest, find some hobbies that can get a sense of pleasure, and use it to refresh your mood when you are upset…

Store more energy and use it when you need it.

In this way, you can keep yourself in a good state without letting your emotions affect your work and life.

3. Use your strengths

I have talked about a lot of the troubles of highly sensitive people. It seems that this sensitivity brings us all negative effects?

Not really. Sensitivity is actually a kind of talent. While it brings you pain, it also brings you 4 unique advantages-I call them “CDEF” collectively.

It includes:

Creative: Higher creativity and divergent thinking ability, always able to have many ideas and ideas;

(Thanks to the perception of details and the integration of past experience)

Depth: Calm thinking and the ability to think deeply, not easy to be biased, with rhythm, easier to maintain deep thinking;

(Thanks to “Deep Ruminating”)

Empathy: Very high empathy and empathy ability, you can experience the feelings of others in detail;

(Needless to say, this is the default talent for highly sensitive people)

Feeling: Good aesthetic ability and sensibility, able to experience more subtle beauty, happiness and moving;

(Thanks to the perception of details and the “magnification” effect on stimuli)

These four points are the advantages of highly sensitive people over others.

So, if you are a highly sensitive person, you can try to give full play to your strengths in these four areas.

For example: Take advantage of your empathy, become a “listener”, listen to others’ confession, and give healing and support.

For example: give full play to your aesthetic and creative abilities, and engage in some art and creativity-related work, Go to move Hands create and spread beauty.

For example: Give full play to your calm thinking ability, become a coordinator in the team, help the team analyze problems, coordinate conflicts, and lead the team out of the deadlock.

……

You can try to combine these 4 abilitiesCome, and then migrate to various industries and activities to find your advantage.

Remember: Sensitivity is by no means a negative thing, it just depends on how we perceive it.

Finally, a word to all sensitive friends:

The world may seem unfriendly sometimes,

But it is always worthy of our love.