This article is from WeChat official account:Mr. L said (ID: lxianshengmiao) , author: Lachel, title figure from: vision China
I want to do a little experiment with you.
First, please close your eyes and think about the most recent small, failed experience. Such as embarrassment, mistakes, mistakes, denials…
I know it’s very uncomfortable, so I don’t have to think for a long time, just a few seconds. You don’t have to deliberately control your thoughts, just be free and let the flow go.
Okay, please open your eyes (if you really close it). Let me give you a hug.
I want to ask you: When you think about your failures, you subconsciously do it, which of the following is it?
Recalling the inner feelings at that time, raising a feeling of sadness, self-blame, and regret, I just want to quickly drive it out of my mind;
Still able to look at yourself objectively from the perspective of the bystander, telling yourself: It’s passed, just do something better in the future?
In psychology, these two practices are called “self-immersion perspective” (Self-immersed perspective) and “self-extraction Perspective”(Self-distanced perspective).
What is the difference between the two?
The former is to substitute the current “I” into the “I” at the time. From the perspective of the client, go through the process at that time and experience the mood and feelings at that time, including the embarrassing feeling, the feeling of hot cheeks, Feeling embarrassed…
Its essence is “the me at the time”As the center, let me now coincide with me at the time.
Therefore, what it actually causes is secondary harm-which also leads to the result of most self-immersion perspectives, which is a oriented avoidance strategy: that is, to bury this experience in the heart and not dare to touch it It’s because we don’t want to suffer that kind of stimulation again.
On the other hand, to withdraw from the perspective of the self, it is from the perspective of a third party to “look on” oneself at the time. Let yourself feel “Why was I so stupid at the time”, “How could I have such thoughts”, “Now it seems that I shouldn’t”…
Its essence is centered on the “present me”, looking back at the past from now on.
Which one do you use?
one
Under normal circumstances, for most people, the default is the first type, which is the self-immersion perspective.
Why? This is related to our situational memory. Our contextual memory is essentially a function called “mental time travel” (Mental time travel).
Simply put: our brain neuron link will faithfully record the state of every moment and give it a “time stamp”. What actually happened when we recalled the past? It is our neuron network that once again “played back” out of the state at that time, and briefly let us “go back to the past”.
The more accurate and clear this kind of playback, the more details we can remember, and the clearer the “picture” we see.
Obviously, what this kind of playback does is to “restore” the scene at the time: that is, let us overlap with ourselves at the time and experience all the feelings at the time again…
But the problem is: self-immersion perspective will bring many bad results.
What is the most common one? It is the “rumination of thinking” (Rumination) that I mentioned before.
What is thinking rumination? Simply put: What is your best state when you work, study, and think? It must be that the brain is occupied by the current affairs, go all out and devote yourself to it, and don’t think about other things-this is the most ideal and the most comfortable.
But most of the time it is impossible. You must have had this experience: when you start to work, suddenly, there are always distracting thoughts in your mind:
At that time, I don’t know what will happen next?
Am I doing something wrong? Will it lead to bad results?
I knew it wouldn’t be like that anymore, now I really regret thinking about it…
These distracting thoughts are called ruminations. They tend to cause depression in an instant, allowing themselves to withdraw from the state of concentration, and it takes a long time to re-enter the state.
The culprit of all this is the self-immersion perspective.
Therefore, I have always said that the greatest enemy of man is often not from the outside world, but from the heart.
Specifically, there are two: One is the worry and fear about the uncertainty of the future, and the other is the regret and regret about the inability to change the past.
They are entrenched in your heart, like two pythons, constantly opening their mouths to you. Every step you take, you need to overcome the psychological shadow they cast on you.
two
Of course, it is not only the rumination of thinking, but also the consequences of self-immersion. There are many more.
The most direct way is to directly bring negative emotional feelings(Nolen-Hoeksema et al., 2008; Smith & Alloy, 2009) , Let yourself fall into the muddle of emotions.
Furthermore, it is easy to cause some negative impulsive behaviors, such as irritability, emotional out of control, aggressive behaviors(Mischkowski D et al., 2012)< /span>.
Also, self-immersion can easily lead to avoidance strategies: After I have suffered a failure, I am reluctant to face a similar situation because I am worried that it will arouse my negative feelings. As a result, we are firmly trapped in a small circle, and it is difficult to make an inch.
In addition, it has a certain relationship with depression. Many studies have found that one of the characteristics of depression is that it is easier to be immersed in negative feelings and experiences, it is difficult to jump out, and it is difficult to divert attention to new things in the outside world, which leads to long-term indulging in negative emotions.
If you are an introvert and sensitive person like me, then the influence of this self-immersion will be stronger.
Why? Because if you are an introvert and sensitive person, it often means that your emotional empathy will be stronger. This means: in your brain, the parts that belong to the social-emotional zone(such as: anterior insula, amygdala and anterior cingulate gyrus) will be more active (Cox et al., 2012).
Therefore, when you encounter a situation, it will always be easier to evoke your emotional response.
This is a big weakness of introverted sensitive people: It is impossible for a person to never make mistakes, everything is perfect, but for these people, all the failures and setbacks they have experienced will become their own lives. burden. They always come out to entangle you when you need to act or face choices, making you unable to load.
Of course, not only introverted sensitive people, but also others: If you want to act, you must expend more cognitive resources to eliminate, appease, and suppress this “self-immersion” in order to overcome yourself This unnecessary internal friction.
It’s not that we are unwilling to act, let alone being “lazy”, but that every time we act, we need to overcome too much resistance, which makes us exhausted, just want to avoid, just want to leave.
So, thisIt is also an important factor leading to our “lack of action.”
three
So, how to solve this problem, from “self-immersion” to “self-extraction”?
This requires consideration of a basic theory called “psychological distance”.
What is psychological distance? To put it simply, it is the cognitive distance between “I” and “the object of my thinking.” The closer the distance, the more we tend to think from a first-person perspective (also self-immersion); the further away, the more we tend to think Yu uses a third-person perspective to view (that is, self-extraction).
A simple example: There are also two embarrassing things. One happened in your elementary school and the other happened in your university. Which one will make you more embarrassed and less willing to remember?
Of course it is the latter. Because when you recall the former, you will feel that there is almost no relationship between that person and who you are now. Although he is still you, he is no longer the “you now”. Therefore, you can call the “self-extraction perspective” and look at it from the perspective of the beholder.
This is the time factor among the four major factors that affect psychological distance: We always give closer psychological distance to things that are closer in time. vice versa.
But here is a very important question: the time here is not essentially time in reality, but time in psychology.
What do you mean? The brain cannot store “real time”. In the brain, there is no such feeling as “A happened one year ago in B”-the brain stores time by “encoding a series of events”.
In short: When a lot of new things happen between the two states and the brain stores a lot of new information, it tends to think that the “time” between the two is relatively distant; on the contrary, Even if the two are separated for a long time, they “appear” very close to the brain.
So, why do we feel that time passes so fast when we grow up, much faster than when we were young? It’s because: as adults, we gradually become familiar with the world, and many things are notIt will make us feel “surprise”, and therefore, for the brain, there will be fewer “events” worth storing, and the time of our subjective feelings will speed up.
Similarly, why do some of the bad experiences that some friends suffered in their childhood native families have far-reaching effects? To a large extent it lies in the fact that after adulthood, due to the existence of this kind of trauma, it is easy for us to fall into “self-immersion” and thus be forced to adopt avoidance strategies. It has been difficult to face the past, step out and start again.
To give a simple example: Our life is like many bottles, representing different aspects of our life: health, values, intimacy, ideals…every time we get a little bit of growth, we put in the bottle A small stone. The more stones, the more our growth and experience in this area.
But due to childhood trauma, one of the bottles cracked, causing a crack. So, in order to prevent it from breaking, we dared not put any more stones in it, but kept it quietly in its original shape.
What will this lead to? As far as the brain is concerned, you have not really grown up in this aspect, and you are still the child who lived in the past.
But what I want to tell you is: this is not your fault. In fact, it doesn’t make sense to pay attention to “whose fault is this”-the rift does not really exist, it only exists in your heart, in your construction.
Try a different perspective, let yourself focus on the current life, focus on the future, accept and reconcile with the past self, and tell the child of the past: Thank you for your company, but I have grown up. It’s time to leave you.
four
Of course, is “self-extraction” necessarily better than “self-immersion”? Actually it is not.
For example: When you recall a positive situation – for example, you are praised and recognized, and the results you have made are affirmed… At this time, is it still suitable to adopt “self-extraction”? Not suitable anymore.
Research found that when people adopt a self-extracting perspective, the negative and positive emotions they feel will become shorter(Verduyn et al., 2012; Park et al., 2014). At this time, if you use the self-immersion perspective, On the contrary, it will bring a more lasting positive emotional experience.
Similarly, when we imagine the future, it is better to take self-immersion than self-extraction.
Why? Because the self-extracting perspective will distinguish the “future me” from the “present me”, it will lead to less motivation and make us more reluctant to work hard for the future-this is called “time” in psychology. discount”.
Therefore, when you imagine yourself in the future, using a first-person perspective, imagining the life state you want, and being immersed in that kind of expectation and description will strengthen our inner motivation more effectively.
Therefore, we can come to a simple conclusion:
When facing negativity and the past, it is more suitable for self-extraction;
When facing the front and the future, it is more suitable for self-immersion.
But, of course, self-immersion is a more common choice, and self-extraction is a skill that requires practice. Therefore, I mainly want to share with you: how to consciously “extract yourself”.
The following tips can help you.
1. FESU model
In my previous article, I proposed a “FESU” model, specifically: aware of (Focus), relax(Ease), convert (Switch) and update (Update).
This is a very versatile method, and it is also applicable here.
Usually practice paying more attention to your own state, and ask yourself “What am I doing now?” In this way, when you fall into self-immersion, you will be able to perceive it more quickly: I seem to be self-immersed again, start Negative emotions have arisen.
At this time, you might as well let yourself relax and let your brain empty for a while. You can try taking a deep breath, or you can try to stand up, leave the previous position, and go out; or drink a glass of water and focus on something to calm yourself down first.
Then, consciously try to replace the self-immersive perspective with the self-extracted perspective to achieve a transformation. You can ask yourself: What lesson did this teach me? What did I gain from it? What can I do if I encounter similar things in the future?
Finally, just practice it over and over again. The brain is malleable. Every time you act, it is an update to it. Every time you train it, the next time you enter the possibility of “self-immersion” and “self-extraction”, it may change from 99:1 to 98:2, 97:3……
This is the most basic technique and the fundamental way to solve the problem.
2. Open the distance
This is a simple enough approach: by directly drawing a psychological distance, you can withdraw yourself from the immersion, so that you can look at your experience more positively.
One of the easiest ways is to change a person’s name: if you are used to using “I” as the subject when ruminating and immersing, such as “Why would I do this” “What was my feeling at the time” “My thoughts at the time were What”…Try another person and think in terms of “you” or “he”.
For example:
Why would “he” do this in this situation?
How did “they” get to this point? (For example: when two people quarrel)
In the eyes of “he”, what is the matter, and what is the interpretation of “he”?
This approach can highly activate the parts of the brain responsible for processing “others” and “cognition”, thereby inhibiting the emotional feelings of the self as the main body, and allowing us to withdraw from immersion.
Further, it is to imagine: If it is your best nowA friend suffers from the same situation, what would you say to him? How would you help him out?
What might you say to him to comfort him?
How might you analyze his objective situation so that his thoughts are as close to the truth as possible, instead of being exaggerated by self-fear?
What measures might you recommend him to take to avoid his loss and minimize the danger?
When you think about it in this way, you can separate the “present me” from the “past me”, so as to analyze the current situation more objectively and draw strength.
3. Model alignment
Many people have more or less so few role models. It may be a celebrity, it may be a teacher, an elder, it may be a senior in the company, or it may be a close friend…
They often have some of the characteristics you want, and they are the direction you look forward to and strive for.
So, next time you fall into self-immersion, you might as well think about it: If you change to him, what will he think and what will he do?
A very interesting study is that even for 5-year-old children, when asked to consciously think about “what Batman would do in this situation”, they generally showed better execution and control Features. (White & Calson, 2016)
If there is no such person around you, you might as well assume “a wise friend, what would you do in this situation?” This can often help you wake up immediately and jump out of the emotional circle.
By the way, many times, our construction of this “wisdom friend” is actually what we ideally “want”. Therefore, you can also understand that this is equivalent to letting the future self travel back to help yourself: If it were the future, more mature and wise me, what would he do when he encountered such a situation?
This allows you to always see yourself from a higher perspective.
4. Expressive writing
This is also a way I often use. When you fall into self-immersion, use the following template to write down your thoughts and thoughts.
What happened to me? (Describe the event simply, the simpler the better)
What troubles did I have? Why does this trouble occur? (briefly describe your understanding of it, the simpler the better)
How will this matter affect me now and in the future? (Write these effects and mark the possibilities, such as minimal, small, large…)
What can I do to avoid these effects? (list your possible actions and plans)
What lessons and experiences can I learn from this? (List high-dimensional, abstract experience summary)
It doesn’t need to be very detailed, just use a few simple words to describe each one. It takes about 10 to 15 minutes at a time.
What is it equivalent to? A guidance and massage to the brain. Through these 5 questions, you will slowly shift your perspective from the “past” to the “future”, from the concrete and low-dimensional level to the abstract and high-dimensional level, so as to practice your own use of “self-extraction”. The ability to leave the perspective.
You don’t even have to write it down. You can talk to yourself in your heart or record it by voice.
You might as well try to do it once, you may feel that the haze over your heart has faded again.
5. Get growth
What is the best way to keep the “me of the present” away from the “me of the past”? It is to constantly enrich oneself, let oneself open the gap with the past self in information, so that the brain feels “not alone”.
Therefore, I often say, what is a habit of thinking that has a great impact on me? It’s a growth mentality. That is: Always see myself as a system that is constantly flowing, growing, and changing. Every moment of “I” is just the present me. All my mistakes and failures are just my experience and help the future. The “me” becomes a better way.
So, what is the best way to get yourself out of failure? It is to start a new adventure and exploration.
When your life is full and fulfilling, you will find that when you look back at yourself, there is no haze, but dust.
This article is from WeChat official account:Mr. L said (ID: lxianshengmiao) , author: Lachel