This article is from WeChat official account:Story FM (ID: story_fm)< span class="text-remarks">, narrator: Nikita, anchor: @寇爱哲, text collation: Yulu, head picture provided by interviewee.
Go home
My name is Nikita, I am 43 years old and I live in Los Angeles, USA.
My hometown is a small place in Wugong, Shaanxi. Since I was a child, my parents supported the third line. They were busy with work and had no spare time to take care of the family. So my brother followed my parents, and I was placed in foster care in my hometown.
When I was young, I lived with my grandmother and grandfather in the country. Raising children in rural areas is like raising kittens and puppies. No one taught me how to read and count, because even they themselves are illiterate; I grow up savagely like a little cat and puppy.
■ Nikita Childhood
My parents didn’t pick me up until I was almost in elementary school.
I was very impressed that day. I was playing on the pile of wheat in the village and climbed to the top, like an active little boy, having fun; suddenly I saw a white and clean little boy in the distance. The boy, dressed in clean lake blue clothes, saw my dad right after that.
My dad has a long face and looks fierce. He came to tell me to go home for dinner. I didn’t know them at the time, but seeing that they came out of my grandmother’s house, I got off the wheat pile and went back with them.
I saw my mother when I went home, her curly hair was perm, she was neatly dressed, and she looked very nice.
Nikita can walk around like a boy in the countryside, but in this compound, she has to act like a girl, otherwise, even her brother might despise herself.
■ Nikita said, “I have been a child with a bad face since I was a child”
I look rough, not as good-looking in the traditional sense; but my brother and his classmate’s younger siblings are all very good-looking, especially my younger sister, they are very beautiful. So in memory, my brother is reluctant to take me to play, and his classmates are reluctant to take me to play.
I’m like a little stalker, silently following him when he goes out to play. His classmates bothered me a lot and even pressed me against the wall and hit me. My brother was standing next to him, but he didn’t help me. In fact, now that I have grown up, I can understand his feelings at the time. After all, I was relatively young and immature; but at that time, I was very wronged and felt that he was my brother and should protect me.
For children, unhappy things are actually easy to forget. Children are also the easiest to adapt to the environment. Within a few years, Nikita is fully integrated into the life of this compound.
As we get older, the siblings become more and more sensible. Many years later, my brother apologized for always bullying his sister when he was a child. These, Nikita is now smiling and speaking out.
But some things that made her laugh have happened one after another since she was 12 years old.
Hands on the bus
I grew up early when I was young and grew tall. When I was 12 years old, our family went to Beijing for a trip. Once we took a bus to go shopping. The buses in Beijing were very crowded. My parents and I were crowded together.
I was wearing shorts, and suddenly I felt a hand. I didn’t know where it came from, and I started to feel it from the outside of my shorts.
This was the first time I encountered sexual harassment in my life. I didn’t know it was sexual harassment at that time, and there was no concept of sex, because there was no sex education in that era. I don’t know how to describe my body at all, and it is difficult to describe what happened.
I just felt scared and uncomfortable, so I kept turning around to avoid it. I also feel that there are probably two hands, but I don’t know where the hands come from or whether they belong to the same person.
At the time, the car was so squeezed that people could hang their feet in the air. I couldn’t turn around at all, and I couldn’t get rid of it. I started calling my mom, mom! I want to go to you!
My mother said, don’t move, you are squeezing around, and you will get off after two stops, just stay there.
I can only turn around vigorously, scared and helpless, so I endured two stops like this.
After getting out of the car, I squatted on the ground and started crying, feeling that the whole day was dark, but in fact, it was an afternoon in Beijing and the weather was very good.
My mother didn’t understand it very much and thought I was making a temper. “The family is shopping happily, why are you crying here?”
I want to say something, but I really can’t describe it. I don’t know if it’s a huge sense of fear or shame. It’s inexplicable. I just can’t tell what happened just now.
At that time, I vaguely began to have gender awareness and realized that I was a girl.
■ A trip to Beijing at the age of 12
the so-called “uncles”
When I was 14 years old, one day I was at home alone, and a neighbor had an uncle knocking on the door, so I opened the door for him.
I’m honestly speaking, my parents are not at home, and my brother is not there. Who do you call?
He asked back, then you?
Then came in.
I thought he might have something to wait for my parents to come back, so I decided to go back to his room to do his homework. But he stopped me and said, seeing that you are quite tall now, my uncle will measure your height.
There was that kind of height mark on the door frame of our house. I was completely unaware of danger at the time, so I stood there and agreed with him to measure my height.
But then he squeezed me against the door frame and started to touch me with his hands. After I reacted, I began to resist and struggle frantically.
I pushed him out of the room hard, trying to close the door, but he was very strong and pushed me directly onto the desk.
I grabbed a steel ruler for study on the desk and waved it in a random attempt to resist, but I accidentally scratched my face in a panic. There were still traces next to my left eye today.
He probably didn’t expect me to resist so fiercely, so he stopped and left, worried that it would not end.
This uncle is a colleague of my dad in the same factory, and he usually has a very good relationship with our family. Because the neighbors at that time were very different from the neighbors now. Now the neighbors can’t see each other, but at that time, anyone who made dumplings and made delicious food will be served to the neighbors, and the relationship is very close.
So this uncle did such a thing, I think it is incredible, very absurd.
Two days later, he came to my house again and talked to my dad about work. Normally, I should greet his uncle politely, pour him water or something, but I didn’t call—I couldn’t call it at all.
As if nothing happened, he came over and patted my head and shoulders. I immediately stepped away, returned to my room nervously, and closed the door.
This behavior angered my parents. They thought I was very unfamiliar. When the uncle was gone, they called me out and asked me howGoing on. I also don’t say anything, because I don’t know how to describe my mood.
They kept scolding me, and finally I was so anxious that I said loudly, I don’t like him!
My parents felt very strange and asked me why.
I said, because he touched me, he always touched me!
My dad thought it was the kind of patting on the head and shoulders they usually see, so he said, this is what people mean to see you.
I can’t argue with a word, and it’s hard to tell the specific sexual harassment he did that day; but I heard the word rape at the time and knew it was a serious consequence. So I cried and said, no! If this continues, he will rape me!
My parents were very angry after hearing this. They felt that this word should not appear, how could this word come out of my mouth-too dirty.
They don’t even believe what I said, “How is it possible, are you making excuses for your behavior? You can only admit it and you can’t make up these things?”
I was very broken at that time, and for a moment I felt that the world was only me.
In fact, it’s not just him, there are many uncles in our factory, and their behavior is not very glorious.
For example, my classmate’s father. Once my classmate had a fever and was on vacation at home, and the teacher asked me to bring him notes. I took it over to read his notes before his bed, and his father would do something to me behind his back.
For example, when I went to play at another classmate’s house, when there was a power outage, I quickly curled up, hugged myself, and blocked all key parts of my body with my knees. Because I knew that within a few seconds, a hand would reach out. Sure enough, this is the case. This hand will not leave until my classmate lights a candle-this kind of thing is like a common meal to me.
It may be that the environment of our factory is relatively closed, and everyone was in a very depressed state in that era.
Now that I have grown up, when I went home during the Spring Festival two years ago, I would have a reunion dinner with my dad’s colleagues and these uncles back then.
When I learned that the uncle who had sexually harassed me was also there, I couldn’t tell my mother. But my mother accused me of saying, “Why is your kid so ignorant, and finally everyone gathers together, why don’t you give me face?”
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dressing up like a boy The same Nikita gave up taking the college entrance examination in her second year of high school and chose to join the army in Guangdong. In the army, she is like a fish in water.
I joined the army at the end of 1996. In the army, I can endure hardships and have good physical fitness. I can handle all kinds of training and tasks very well. Later, the other female soldiers were assigned to agencies to do some civilian work. I talked to the leader and asked to continue to stand guard at the grassroots level. I can do what the male soldier can do, so they all treat me as a male soldier.
Once, after the wedding of the line leader, everyone moved to the bar to have a drink. My colleagues all understand my boyish personality, and some come to drink me. At this time, a male colleague from another unit saw it and said, how can you do this to girls?
So he helped me keep off the alcohol and took care of me all the time.
That was the first time in my life that I was treated as a woman, and it felt good.
Later, I had a better relationship with this male colleague and he became my first boyfriend.
■ Nikita as a soldier
Do you really want to get married?
When I met this boyfriend, Nikita had served for nearly five years, and she was soon discharged from the military. After leaving the military, she briefly returned to her hometown to open an underwear shop, because At that time, Nikita gradually became feminine and became interested in fashion. But for the boyfriend who was still in the army, Nikita quickly returned to the city where he was a soldier and opened a shop there. In this way, the two people can meet frequently.
He is a Cantonese, he is not tall, he is strong, and a bit machismo. So he would often tell me how virtuous his mother is, how to get up at 4 o’clock in the morning to boil water, iron dishes and so on.
This is very different from my education and values, so in fact we are totally people of two worlds. But I was very loyal. At that time, his family had no money to build a house, so I sold my store and gave him the money to build a house. He was very moved and felt that I was the one who could live with him.
He wants to marry me for his reasons. One day he came to the company to pick me up from get off work, and I happened to be working overtime for a meeting. He stood outside the glass door and saw me in a meeting. He told me that night that he wanted to marry me. I asked why? He said, because when you work, you look very different from when you were with me, especially radiant.
I think, maybe he saw my value from that perspective, and worried that if I didn’t marry him, I might leave with others, and he would regret it.
But I didn’t want to get married at that time because I was still young and wanted to continue to develop my career; but he was also very determined, saying that he would break up without getting married.
So I compromised and agreed to marry him.
On the day of the wedding, it happened to be the Mid-Autumn Festival, a full moon, and the Civil Affairs Bureau was full of people. We go to line up in the morning, and we can get the certificate in the afternoon. At noon, we had dinner with his friends, and I was a little unhappy.
He was eating with his friends very happily, so I came out and called my mother. I cried as soon as the phone was connected. I said, Mom, I am married, but I feel like I have made a mistake, as if this marriage shouldn’t be married.
My mother said calmly on the other side of the phone, the bitter fruit she brewed, and eat it herself.
At that moment, I felt even more that I might have made a mistake.
Boil the frog in warm water
After I got married with him, I realized more and more that we really are not people in the world.
He didn’t let me contact my friends because he couldn’t understand that some of them were old and unmarried or divorced. Another example is that I liked to play outdoors at that time, purely taking this sport as a hobby. But he felt that it was not good for a bunch of older young people to stay together, including men and women.
He often called my company to see if I was at work; then he called home to determine how long it took me to get home, so I had to pinch to get home for fear that he would think too much.
This kind of day is like boiling a frog in warm water. I didn’t notice it at the beginning, and then I gradually got used to it.
Until one day, my friend contacted me and said that we haven’t seen you for a long time, and just finished a hike. Everyone is eating in the restaurant downstairs of your house. Can you meet us?
So I suggested to go downstairs for a walk with my husband, and then pass by the restaurant on purpose. I texted them in advance, and then across the sidewalk, I saw friends beckoning to me in the restaurant, but I didn’t dare to go in; we just looked at each other and one of them cried, and I’m here. Bian also cried. I am very sad: How did I meet my friends like this? Am I under house arrest?
After this, I vaguely felt that this kind of marriage was not normal, but occasionally I would persuade myself: Maybe he cares about me too much and is afraid of losing me.
Revolt? invalid!
One night, he went home after drinking. It was already 4 in the morning, and he forced me to cook porridge for him. But I had to go to work early the next morning, and if I cooked porridge for him, I wouldn’t have time to sleep at all. So I said, if you want to have porridge, let’s order a takeaway tomorrow morning.
As a result, he was very unhappy, “What do you want your wife to do! Isn’t it just going home to have a mouthful of hot food, to talk, to hug and hug.” This is what the wife does.
I had to endure the sleepiness and got up reluctantly to cook porridge for him.
Who knows that he was suddenly very interested that day, he had to hug me and wanted to have a relationship with me; but I was tired enough to cook porridge early in the morning and didn’t want to respond to him at all.
But he ignored what I meant and forced me to proceed, so I had to keep resisting.
When I was sexually harassed when I was a child, when I was young, and adult men were very strong, I hitBut it’s normal; but now I am in my 20s, with a height of 1.7 meters and a tall man. I still insist on exercising, but the other party is a man shorter than me and doesn’t exercise much…I Thought I could struggle, but I couldn’t.
I only knew then that men are stronger than women. He can suppress you, do whatever he wants, and do what he wants to do. Even though I thought I was already strong, I still couldn’t protect myself.
Later, I gradually gave up struggling, lying on the floor and tilting my head helplessly, looking at furniture that I had never noticed before. I even saw that a baseboard in the kitchen cabinet was loose. Afterwards, I stood up and knocked it back calmly.
In those few years, I didn’t really have the concept of marital rape. I just felt that he did it against my will and disrespected me. And what makes me sad is that I told him about the harassment experience when I was a child, but he still used this kind of thing to hurt me; like I told him, this is my wound, but he continues Poke there. It is difficult for me to accept this.
So although he apologized to me afterwards, I had already thought about leaving him.
However, for a family like ours, divorce is a very big event. Family members will think that it is disgraceful for you to divorce as a woman. “Divorced woman” is an unpleasant title. So I also hesitated, even though I knew ignorantly that I didn’t want to live this kind of life and wanted to live the life I wanted, but I didn’t know what to do.
Finally left
One day when I was at work, I heard Xu Wei’s song called “September”, and it sang: I want to leave this impetuous city, I decided to go to the beach to watch the sunset…< /p>
It happened to be August at that time. I don’t know where the courage came from. I immediately wrote a letter of leave and asked for a month’s leave-I went to Tibet in September.
Now it sounds like this walk-and-go trip is a bit vulgar, but I really can’t sit still at the moment.
I was surprised. I didn’t know if it was to show my understanding and support, or out of a certain guilt and remedy. My husband also agreed.
I borrowed a jacket, bought a backpack, took the train from Guangzhou to Chengdu, and then went to Tibet. He sent a driver to take me to Guangzhou Railway Station. The driver kept watching me get in the car before leaving.
AfterI didn’t know until I came, my husband thought I was traveling with other men. Because he doesn’t believe in the fact that women can travel far by themselves. He thinks that women should be accompanied by men or with others to go out. It’s impossible for a woman to complete this thing alone—but I really It was on the road alone.
When I arrived in Chengdu, I met a lot of interesting people and things along the way.
Many of the people I met on the journey have become Nikita’s best friends to this day. In Lhasa, a group of friends wanted to go to Ali no man’s land, so they persuaded Nikita to go together. I heard that I could see Tibetan antelopes, and Nikita was very excited.
So she temporarily changed her plan and took another month’s leave with the company. But this also made her husband more suspicious of Nikita.
Nikita during travel
Actually, what I think is, just this time, play happily once, and then bury all my freedom and yearning for this kind of life; then go home and live that kind of life in peace, maybe I can really be a Cantonese-style housewife who cooks soup and syrup every week.
As a result, he called and quarreled with me every day and asked me, what are you doing like this? Are you going to get a divorce? ! Otherwise, call my friend and ask if I ran away with someone else. I thought to myself, if I can’t live this life, then divorce is fine.
As a result, as soon as I returned home after my trip, I opened the door and found that he had actually found my dad.
I was very angry at once, because this is the business of the two of us. You found my dad. This is to suppress me with the patriarchal style: I am your man, you want to listen to me , If you don’t listen to me, I will invite your dad out, he is your father, youI vowed never to commit suicide again.
After two years of separation from her husband, one day I received a text message from him, and he finally asked for a divorce procedure, although I did not urge him.
So we made an appointment and went to the Civil Affairs Bureau amicably.
The northeast sister in the photo studio across the street saw me dressed beautifully and the two of us were polite, and was surprised to ask us, is it really a divorce?
I laughed, and remembered that on the day of the wedding, the Civil Affairs Bureau was lined up; now that we are divorced, there is no need to line up, and the formalities will be completed soon-it was a bit of a joke.
children
In the years since the breakup, Nikita has been to Macau and Chengdu for development. In the end, she settled down in Chengdu, opened a restaurant, developed a good career, and made many friends. These all eased her depression problem a lot.
When I was in Chengdu, I met an American boy who was a few years younger than me and became pregnant, but he had already returned to California when I was pregnant.
I think I am 35 years old and have the ability to raise a child myself, so I am confident that I plan to give birth to this child.
I was in very good health at that time, and I could go to the gym to swim during pregnancy and swim faster than others. I took a notebook to record the time, had regular checkups, and went to the hospital when I was close to giving birth.
The day of delivery went smoothly. It was a normal delivery, and it was born within half an hour.
Two days before the baby was born, the doctors thought it was normal, but I felt something was wrong. Because I seem to have seen her look somewhere, after thinking for a long time, I remembered that there was an American drama called “Glee” in which there was a girl with Down syndrome-I think my child looks a little like her .
But the child had already undergone Tang sieve at that time and did not show symptoms; she also underwent child care when she was one month old, and there was no problem.
But I still feel that something is wrong, because the child is too quiet, rarely crying, and there is not much expression when crying. It is not as vivid as a normal child, as if it is covered with something.
I asked for another checkup, and the doctor took blood and checked again. Waiting for the result for half a month,Take the child to the hospital every day to consult which doctor is the most suitable and how to register. Later, an expert stopped him on the way to the emergency room and asked someone to look at the medical record while walking and describe the situation to him. Then he hung up the number and arranged the operation.
While taking care of my daughter in the hospital, when she falls asleep at night, I will use elastic bands in the corridor to exercise, keep exercise, or draw, write, and read books; I will put on makeup and change clothes every morning because In the hospital, most people wear pajamas, but I change into everyday clothes every day because I want my children to feel a normal life.
■ A picture Nikita drew while her daughter was preparing for heart surgery
Some people think it’s unnecessary for me to do this. Everyone lives in this hospital. Who do you put on makeup for? ——Sometimes a woman hurts a woman as much as a man can’t imagine. But there are also some mothers who think that I can persist in doing these things in this environment. It is a kind of spirit and encouragement. They will come over and chat with me when I exercise.
The day before the operation, I was asked by the doctor to talk and talked about the risks of the operation. At that time, no one around me discussed it, and I didn’t want to tell my parents that they couldn’t bear it. I had to call my comrades to cry, and finally they encouraged me to sign, no problem, you have to trust our doctor. I just signed it.
On the day of the operation, the child entered the operating room, and the doctor said it would take about 5 hours.
At this time, most parents would choose to wait outside, but I didn’t. I went back to the short-term rental house, took a shower, changed my clothes, went shopping in the mall, watched movies, and used this kind of thing to pass the time. Because I can’t imagine the suffering of me sitting at the door and waiting for 5 hours.
Other parents still think that I have good psychological quality, but in fact, I think they have good psychological quality, and they can wait here abruptly and endure the suffering..
Fortunately, the operation was very successful. After returning to the United States, American doctors were full of praise. So the children are now healthy, strong and lively, and are still smart and tall among the Tang children.
She doesn’t feel that she is different from others, but I know she may notice it one day in the future, but I still hope she can live a healthy, happy and confident life.
Become a “person”
After the breakup, the father of the child was granted custody because he felt that Nikita’s depression was not suitable for bringing the child. Nikita also feels that although the two of them are inappropriate, she agrees that the child’s father is a responsible father and a father who loves his daughter. So she agreed to this arrangement. And because of some special arrangements during the current epidemic, Nikita can spend most of her time with her daughter.
Nikita is very happy. Since the beginning of this year, her daughter will gradually express herself, and it will be easier to bring her. She started to have energy and wanted to do some entrepreneurial things. For the future, Nikita is still full of energy.
Up to now, I can still feel the prejudice of my parents and the same sex. They think that as a woman, I am unsuccessful. For example, my parents have been extremely disappointed in me, and they feel that I have not taken the path they think should be taken. This is very deviant and very incorrect.
But I often think, I am not afraid of getting old at all, I even look forward to the coming of 60 years old. Because I think that when people become old people, there are no so-called “old men” and “old women”. After the sexual resources and fertility resources disappear, we will become a simple “person”; After removing the prefix of the word “female”, it seems that there will be a kind of absolute freedom.
This article is from WeChat official account:Story FM (ID: story_fm)< span class="text-remarks">, Narrator: Nikita, anchor: @寇爱哲, text finishing: Yulu