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This article is from WeChat official account:Mr. L said (ID: lxianshengmiao) , author: Lachel, from the title figure: “the Truman Show”

At the beginning of this article, I want to talk to you about “social fear”.

Some friends may know that I am a highly social fear patient.

For a social fear patient, if he has an appointment with a stranger to have an interview, his mental journey is often like this:

Before the interview: I will take this appointment very seriously and keep thinking about it in my heart, which may even lead to poor sleep.

“I will meet tomorrow. Will I behave well enough? Will it affect my image?”

During the interview: I will pay special attention to my words and deeds, and I must go through my mind several times before speaking.

“What should I say? It seems that the atmosphere is a bit embarrassing. Did I do something wrong again?”

After the interview: I will continue to regurgitate my performance and judge myself, especially those who do not do well.

“Oh, I shouldn’t have said that at the time, I should do it…I regret it.”

Are there any friends who feel the same way? Please allow me to shake your hand.

So, if a social fear patient is willing to interview you, it means that he regards you very importantly and must cherish this relationship.

Okay, no kidding.

From this mental journey, we can see: What is the nature of social fear? In fact, it is due to two reasons:

1. They will set a very high standard and define it as a passing line.

For example, many social fear patients will subconsciously think: I must behave very well, speak clearly, behave appropriately, logically rigorous, friendly and elegant…… This is the image that “I” should have.

However, due to their general lack of social experience, theyThe actual social skills are far from reaching this standard.

This leads to the second point.

2. Due to the gap between actual performance and the “pass line”, they will be more inclined to use the “prevent focus” strategy.

What is the focus of prevention? I mentioned it in “Go Forward, Don’t Be Afraid”:

In 1997, the psychologist Higgins proposed the theory of adjustment focus. He divided one’s attempts to achieve goals into two modes, namely:

• Promotion focus(Promotion focus): “Do the right thing” as the priority.

• Prevention focus(Prevention focus): Prioritize “not doing the wrong thing”.

In other words, they will constantly check their words and deeds in their hearts, asking themselves: Did I do something wrong? Does it violate the standards I set?

This will lead to a result. What is the result? Change the very natural behavior of “talking and behaving” from “automated processing” to “active processing”.

We know that in daily life, speech, walking, and body language are all automated processing – that is, without deliberate thinking, let it act naturally. Because these behaviors are too frequent, if you need to think actively, it will cause a huge cognitive load.

Therefore, once they are transformed into “active processing”, they will definitely produce very unnatural results.

For example, it’s like thinking “how do I use these chopsticks” when you are eating. If you don’t want it, you can use it very naturally; when you think about it, you find that the action becomes very strange and inflexible.

So, what does this cause? As a result, your performance is more strange, unnatural, and “violating” the standards you set yourself.

So, the “prevention focus” in your mind once again warns you to further remind you to pay attention to what you say and do…

This creates a vicious circle. The more you pay attention, the more unnatural and the easier it is to make mistakes, the more this “attention” is strengthened.

So, what really troubles people with social fear? It’s not “my performance is not good enough”, but “I’m worried that my performance is not good enough” mentality.

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In fact, social fear is just an example. Many similar troubles and obstacles actually stem from these two reasons: high standards and focus on prevention.

One of the most common examples is stress in the face of emergencies.

What is an emergency? In the big way, for example, you are suddenly given a difficult task, or you are transferred or changing directions; in the small way, for example, the path you are accustomed to relying on suddenly fails, and you are suddenly forced to adopt some new methods… and so on.

Why when faced with emergencies, some people can adapt and adjust quickly, while some people will fall into prolonged anxiety, stress and tension? It is because the latter often has a default setting for life: “I can’t make mistakes”.

This brings up three assumptions:

1. Everything is best to keep the status quo;

2. If I want to change, I must change after I am fully prepared, have sufficient psychological construction and certainty;

3. All self-talking changes are an impact on my life.

Under this preset assumption, our “prevention focus” will be activated, so as to maintain a high degree of monitoring of all decisions and actions.

This will cause a huge cognitive load and psychological burden, which makes us feel “very tired”.

At the same time, this kind of continuous monitoring can make the brain mistakenly think that we are in danger, so it activates the HPA axis of our body, which keeps the body in the “warning state” for a long time, and constantly releases the adrenal glands. Vitamins and cortisol-their accumulation is the culprit that causes chronic stress.

So, many people who “live very tired” because of the pressure in life? Actually not. This kind of pressure often does not come from the outside world, but from the heart, from the “template” we want to comply with and dare not violate.

We made a statue of a god for ourselves, let ourselves live under its gaze, trembling, walking on thin ice.

Another example: Many people grew up in a serious and high-pressure environment in their childhoods. They may have been living in the shadow of “others’ children” and the expectations of parents, teachers, and elders around them. . In this case, what is particularly prone to appear? Raise our expectations of ourselves very high.

We will set an unattainable standard, and then we will try our best to meet this standard.

For example:

• “I must be liked by everyone”;

• “I have to be the first in everything”;

• “I can’t show failure, embarrassment and vulnerability in front of others”…

And so on.

In other words: We have been living between “pass” and “fail.”

For us, there is no “good” and “excellent”-what we are after is “no mistakes”. But if you really do “no mistakes”, it’s just “meeting expectations”. It will not bring you rewards, incentives and motivation.

This kind of self-imposed limitation is like an unreachable horizon that will keep us firmly trapped in the pursuit of it throughout our lives.

But this standard, this “default setting”, does it really exist? Should it exist?

Actually, no one traps you, only yourself.

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Further, what will happen to living in this state of high standards + focus on prevention for a long time?

You will oftenCriticize yourself: Is it wrong to do this today? Did I damage the impression I wanted to make on others? Does my behavior fail to meet the standards I set myself?

Over time, you can easily develop a “feeling of low value.”

What do you mean? That is to say, I feel that I am wrong, problematic, and wrong, and myself with these problems are of low value and not worthy of others’ recognition and love.

But what is the problem?

Thinking like this will only make you more discouraged and trapped in an eternal negative cycle. You never have the motivation to come out.

What it brings is to make you continue to adopt avoidance strategies and dare not touch these things that “may make you wrong” or “make you feel low-value”, thereby making you more firmly affected by Trapped in this kind of thinking, it is even more difficult to break free.

In the previous article, I also talked about a similar thing: childhood trauma.

Why do some of the bad experiences that some friends suffered in their childhood native families have a profound impact? To a large extent it lies in the fact that after adulthood, because of the existence of this kind of trauma, it has been forced to adopt an avoidance strategy.

Take a simple example: Our life is like there are many bottles, representing different aspects of our life: health, values, intimacy, ideals…every time we get a little bit of growth, we put in the bottle A small stone. The more stones, the more our growth and experience in this area.

But due to childhood trauma, one of the bottles cracked, causing a crack. So, in order to prevent it from breaking, we dared not put any more stones in it, but kept it quietly in its original shape.

In fact, do cracks really exist? does not exist. It only exists in your memory.

A reader asked in the background: But is the trauma real?

In fact, it is not. The trauma does not really exist, it is “constructed”.

What do you mean? It really exists when you think it exists, and you keep adopting preventive focus and avoidance strategies in order not to make the same mistakes, and dare not face it, touch it, and make you a blind spot and boundary in your life.

When you feel that it is “not” a part of you, but an enemy that needs to be resisted, eliminated, and defeated, it stands on the opposite side of you.

Including our past failures, setbacks and blows, they are actually the same.

On the one hand, we will set a perfect and impeccable “ideal me”, thinking that this is what I should achieve.

On the other hand, in objective reality, we will have various faults and defects, make mistakes, and do stupid things-this is normal, but in our opinion, the “present me” with these problems, It’s low-value, it’s not good, it’s unpleasant.

We are eager to put these faults aside and throw them away, to separate them from us, to isolate ourselves from these low-value failures, frustrations, and bad experiences, so as to preserve our hearts.” Closer to the ideal state of me.

It is this kind of thinking and mentality that creates the existence of trauma.

Shadows are never naturally generated. Shadow is a place not accepted by light.

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So, what is a better idea?

It is to frankly and peacefully accept everything that “me” has. Whether it has advantages or disadvantages, past successes, or failures, all these add up to create the existence of “the present me”.

If you lose anything, “the present me” is incomplete.

Whether it is good or not, whether it meets the “standard” or not, this is who I am.

When you can think about problems from this perspective, you will find that many troubles and obstacles are actually non-existent – they are just your own shackles.

In psychology, there is a very interesting way of thinking called “acceptance and commitment therapy”( ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).

Different from other ways of thinking(such as CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy), ACT does not focus on “correcting bad ailments.” Because it believes that it is because of our eagerness to “correct bad things” that we will reject the appearance of “the current me” and think that this “me” is not good enough, thus forming opposition.

And this kind of opposition will make us live under pressure and expectations, be cautious, and constantly introspect and criticize ourselves, and it is difficult to truly be happy.

So, what is a better approach? In the ACT system, it is divided into three steps. They are:

• A(Accept): Accept everything you have now, and shift your focus from the past and future to the “present “.

• C(Choose): Choose a direction that you think is valuable and you are willing to fight for.

• T(Take action): Take action to reach it.

In other words:

People are never perfect. Our “ideal me” is simply unrealistic. There is no such person who can meet this standard-so of course we cannot be regulated as us. Standards.

On this basis, reconcile with your own problems, shortcomings, and failures. We don’t have to do everything well, we don’t have to be invulnerable, and we don’t have to make everyone like ourselves. You are always the only one you can intervene. Those outsiders who cannot interfere, don’t pay too much attention to it.

Based on this, you will understand: What we really live is not in the past, not in the future, but only in the “now”. If you have always been brooding about your past and always feel that you are “not good enough”, then in fact you are not really alive-you are just bearing the weight of the past and constantly running towards the future ‘S death.

Besides “now”, what can we intervene and decide? It is in which direction we are going. So, maybe “the current me” still has some small problems, but I can always choose a specific direction to make myself better.

Then the next step is to make good goals and plans on the basis of fully paying attention to and experiencing the process, and take action in the chosen direction. Don’t worry about possible mistakes, but focus more on “Did I get close to the goal”.

How is this way of thinking different from the previous way of thinking?

The previous way of thinking was “high standards + focus on prevention”: I think that I am not good enough now. If I want to achieve what I should be in my ideals, I can’t make mistakes, so I want to avoid all possible mistakes. Sex.

It is directed towards stress, fatigue and anxiety.

And this new way of thinking is “low standards + promotion of focus”: I think I am good enough now, but I still want to be better, so I may be able to take some actions to achieve it.

It is oriented towards vitality, hope and possibility.

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Finally, briefly mention a few tips.

1. “What have I grown up today”

I said in the previous article: Don’t use numbers to quantify your goals, because it often leads to dimensionality reduction, which neglects your true purpose.

What should I do? Might as well set up a general framework, let yourself know clearly “what kind of person I want to be”, and then think about “what kind of actions and results are needed to become such a person”.

A few simple examples:

If you want to be a well-known person, can you smile, greet, and hold hands with colleagues in the company today, and can you try to talk to others in the group and answer their questions tomorrow?

You want to be a technical backbone, then can youIn addition to daily work, try to learn cutting-edge technical knowledge today, and try to give yourself a small challenge tomorrow?

If you want to be a mentor to the newcomers in the team, can you pay more attention to them, ask them if they encounter any difficulties, and share your methodology?

……

A 2013 study found that (Kashdan TB & McKnight PE, 2013): monitor your progress in the target direction every day, you can Effectively improve positive emotions, reduce negative emotions, relieve anxiety and stress, gain more self-esteem and sense of meaning, and do not need to pay more effort and energy investment.

Set a direction, look back at yourself every day, and see that you have taken a few steps forward in this direction-this is a little trick that can bring you lasting happiness.

2. Turn prevention into promotion

A simple example:

You want to do an activity. When you use preventive focus, you may think of a lot of “failure losses.” For example: If the results of the event are not good, will people complain about it? Will you make yourself a laughingstock? Will it affect your evaluation and reputation? Will the boss and users leave a bad impression on you? …

Under such psychological pressure, what do you tend to do? Step by step, no mistakes. After all, if you don’t make mistakes, there will be no accidents, and there will be no losses.

But, change your thinking and think about it: Can the activity be done to help people in need, and get their affirmation, thanks, and feedback? This is what can bring you motivation and rewards.

As for failure, in fact, we tend to overestimate the risks and consequences of a failure. why? Because most of us will be affected by the “centralization effect”: we think that the whole world revolves around ourselves, and what we do and say will be seen in the eyes, listened to in heart, and remembered by others.

But in fact there is no such thing. Everyone is very busy. What does it matter if you did it wrong or failed? Whoever has not experienced failure will have the time to remember it.

Untie yourself. Many times, it’s not the outside world that traps you, but youalready.

3. Clear your heart

Some friends may ask: As mentioned earlier, if you want to set a direction, how should you set it? How should I find my direction?

A simple approach is to list all the things you want to do and what you want to be, and be as specific as possible. Then, put everything you listed into one of these four categories:

Let me do it. Did the outside world tell you “you must do it”? Is it to fulfill the expectations of others? Is it because “everyone says that”?

I have to do it. If this is not done, it may cause some unnecessary troubles. So although I don’t particularly want to do it, I still have to deal with it.

It must be done. This matter is very important to me. It is valuable to me in the short and long term. I want to do it.

I want to do it. This is something I have always wanted to do. It is my dream, my pursuit, my mission, and the fire of my life.

Give the time you can freely control to 4 first, then 3, and a little bit to 2 for the rest. As for 1, think about it: Is it really necessary to do it? What happens if you don’t do it? Can there be other ways to replace it? Can it be combined with other things in 2, 3, and 4?

In this way, you can make your life more orderly and focused.

Change will never come from opposition. Only when you believe that “I am good and can do better” will change happen.

This article is from WeChat official account:Mr. L said (ID: lxianshengmiao) , author: Lachel