Not all goals are worth pursuing…
Editor’s note: This article is from WeChat public account“SusanKuang” (ID: Susankuang2014) by Susan Kuang.
American writer Jeff Haden once told a story in his book about his grandfather.
When Harden was 12 years old, his grandfather spent a lot of money to buy a horse dedicated to horse racing. At that time, he did not understand his grandfather’s behavior, because this horse is simply a “luxury” for those living on the farm, which greatly exceeds their consumption level. After that, his grandfather often took the horse to the local horse race, but the results were always unsatisfactory.
One day, Harden’s grandfather used money to “convinced” a good horse racer to ride his horse during the race. In this competition, the horse finally got a satisfactory ranking – second place, his grandfather also got his wish to stand on the podium and got a silver medal.
After receiving the award, Harden’s grandfather proudly took his horse around the racetrack and accepted the congratulations and praises of the surrounding audience. At that moment, Harden found that his grandfather’s whole look and posture were not the same as before. He stood taller and raised his head higher, and his face was full of pride and pride. After returning home from the game, Harden’s grandfather was still immersed in happiness, but he just got pride because he was congratulated and praised by others but could not see it.
After many years, Harden really realized why his grandfather bought the horse at the time—he was eager to find some sense of presence and value. Yes, at that moment, Harden’s grandfather did get the scenery he wanted, but this happiness was fleeting, and soon he returned to his original state, except for that beautiful memory, this silver medal. Did not bring any difference to his life.
In this story, have you found a feeling of deja vu? Are you sometimes like Harden’s grandfather, who wants to achieve a certain goal, but is not willing to do it?Make efforts. So, you always want to find some “quick” methods. If there is a kind of “shortcut” to pay, you can easily reach the desired result without any difficulty, then you will definitely not hesitate to choose to spend money to take shortcuts.
But the question is, the more you are eager to achieve, the harder it is for you to do this well, because when we are anxious to get results, our tolerance for difficulties and temporary failures is It will be very low, it is easy to produce negative emotions because of disobedience. These negative emotions will hinder the action on the one hand, and negatively affect the brain on the other hand, reduce the brain’s thinking ability, learning ability and creativity, work. Efficiency will drop.
So, how can you get rid of the eagerness to seek success and let yourself sink your heart to do something? Before answering this question, I think we need to explore another question: Why are we eager to achieve success? The answer to this question is hidden in a “secret” that many people don’t know…
I don’t want to like it
What kind of “secret”? The secret is: “Wanting” and “liking” are not the same thing, or in other words, “I want” does not mean “I like it.”
This statement may subvert the original perception of most people, because usually we want something (or do something) because it can bring us happiness, but the past 20 years of motivational neuroscience research has strongly demonstrated that “want” and “like” are two different feelings: “want” is the expectation of future events, while “like” is the result of the current things. Pleasure, although they are all part of the reward and motivation system, they are divided into different circuits of the brain, and the neurochemicals involved are different.
There is a closely related to the feeling of “want”, the most well-known neurochemical substance, dopamine. Many people who mention dopamine will associate with pleasure. This is actually a very common misunderstanding. In fact, the main role of dopamine is to make people want something, not to make people happy. Dopamine can cause emotions such as desire, excitement and hope, but when your desires are fulfilled, dopamine does not guarantee that you will love what you get.
Responsible for the “like” feeling is actually another neurochemical substance – Opioids. The endorphins we often hear are a typical opioid. When we do something we like, or get something we like, the brain releases opioids, allowing us to experience a pleasant pleasure. It is worth mentioning that opioids are also an analgesic that blocks signs associated with pain.
These two chemicals are important for the normal maintenance of motivation. Because there is no “want” system, we will not expect future events, and we will not have the motivation to pursue anything, but less. “Like” system, we can hardly experience the feeling of happiness, although at this time, the desire to desire will prompt us to pursue continuously, but our heart can not feel the satisfaction, there is no happiness at all.
For example, addiction is the best example of “dislike but wants”: when a person is addicted to something, he can’t control it all the time, but in reality he is getting or experiencing it. I didn’t feel happy at the time. Even so, he couldn’t help but continue to want it.
In fact, the reason why a person is eager to seek success is because of the same reason: he just wants to get some benefit from the final result, but he doesn’t really like it, so come to him. Said that the process is no fun and satisfaction, but a burden and pain.
What do you value is the result, or process
Psychologists have long discovered through research that when we pursue goals, we value results or processes, and directly affect our inner feelings – whether we can experience fun and satisfaction, not only that, but also affect To our potential to play and anti-frustration ability.
They refer to outcome- and performance-oriented goals as performace goals, and process and growth-oriented as mastery goals, or as learning goals.
Generally speaking, if a person is pursuing a performance goal, he usually does not care about the matter itself, but wants to “express” himself through the results, because he feels that achieving this goal can bring him Certainly, make yourself look smart, capable or talented.
Performance goals can be motivating, because the recognition and praise of others is a very strong incentive and a source of our sense of value, and research shows that people who pursue “performance” are learning and working. They will work very hard, and some can achieve good results and achievements, but the problem is that they are very difficult to enjoy the joy of the process, and often because they are too concerned about performance and results, but in anxiety and nervous mood.
Besides, people who care too much about it are also prone to frustration andSelf-doubt, because for them, performance results are closely related to self-worth—they will regard failure and mistake as a kind of negation to themselves, so when they are not performing well, their self-worth and Self-esteem will be tortured, and confidence will be hit. If this is not something that has to be done, then they are likely to give up because of frustration.
In contrast, if one pursues a goal that is motivated, then the person who motivates him is no longer recognized and praised by others, but a desire for improvement and progress, so he will pay more attention to it. Things, not how others will look at themselves. At this time, he can better enjoy this effort for the result, because any small progress in this process can bring him happiness and satisfaction.
Although those who pursue a good goal will experience depression because they are not doing well or making mistakes, they are less depressed than those who want to prove themselves, and they will not be self-denying. And self-doubt, because the goal of pursuing growth will make them have a completely different attitude towards difficulties and mistakes: they will regard difficulties and challenges as opportunities to acquire new skills, and regard mistakes and failures as a kind of feedback.
It is also worth mentioning that when a person’s main focus is progress, he will use metacognition more and raise questions on the metacognitive level. If the focus is only performance, then he will More like “quick”, like to take shortcuts.
With learning as an example, students who are pursuing progress are often not satisfied with answers such as “what” or “how”, but rather want to know “why” and they are eager to understand the underlying principles. And want to figure out what different knowledge points are combined according to what basic logic, and students who pursue performance will use the methods of rote memorization and pre-test assault to get good results.
Although in the short term, the two types of goals may not bring a particularly significant difference in ability and achievement, but in the long run, those who pursue the goal will have stronger strength and therefore And get bigger achievements.
Pursuing self-consistent goals
So, how can you ensure that you are not only interested in the results, but also enjoy the process of pursuing goals?
With regard to this question, Taylor Ben Shahar gave a clear answer in his book The Method of Happiness. Taylor mentioned in the book that goals are important for sustained happiness, but not all goals are worth pursuing. The key to whether a goal can increase our happiness experience is whether it has self-concordant.
What is the goal of self-consistent? To put it simply, these goals must be based on our true desires and interests, and are independent choices, not imposed by others or out of some external pressure. The “self-consistent” here refers to the development of the individual.Interest and core values are consistent.
In general, the motivation behind what we do can be divided into four different levels, namely External, Introjected, Identified, and Integrated. The key difference between the internalization of the target, or the more common point, is how close it is to our “real self” (whether there is a feeling of “doing it yourself”).
Among these four levels of motivation, external motivation has the lowest self-consistency. Such things are often asked by others. We don’t want to do it or do it. The internalization of internal motivation is slightly higher. This kind of thing is what we ask ourselves to do. Although we don’t like it, we feel that we should do it; we agree that the internalization of motivation is relatively high. Such things are usually consistent with our intrinsic values, which is what we really value. The comprehensive motivation has the highest self-consistency, and such things are what we really love. In general, we are most likely to get this feeling in our own talented field.
*External: When we are forced to do something or do something just because of external rewards, such as completing a task, we can get money. If you fail to complete a certain task, you will be punished.
*Introjected: When we accept some kind of external evaluation criteria and actively use it to ask and judge ourselves, such as wanting to achieve a certain goal, Because this will make you look very successful. Intrinsic motivation is usually associated with self-esteem, and the real purpose behind it is mostly to maintain self-esteem or self-worth. The performance goals we mentioned earlier are the motivations of this type.
*Identified”: When we think that a goal is really important to ourselves, and is consistent with our own internal values, such as wanting to learn a certain skill Because I feel that this skill is very important and can bring more opportunities to my development.
* Integrated Motivation (Integrated): When a goal or behavior has been merged with our self, such as trying to improve my painting level, I believe that I can become a good illustrator.
The goal of self-consistent is to increase our happiness experience because it can bring a sense of harmony and freedom to our hearts. This sense of freedom is a basic psychological need. For happiness. Very important.
When we pursue self-consistent goals, we feel that we are free, there is no sense of oppression, and it is full of energy and motivation. This kind of feeling will not only let us experience more inner pleasure and satisfaction in the process of pursuing the goal, but also make us willing to put more sustained efforts into the goal, making the goal more likely to be realized.
The goal of being able to own and pursue self-consistent is undoubtedly a happy thing, but the problem is that life is very realistic. Many times, we have no way to do what we want to do, but to do a lot.” Things that have to be done, and we are often influenced by the values of others, and we will unconsciously pursue some goals in order to satisfy self-esteem. What should we do at this time?
In my opinion, the best way is to reflect on why you are pursuing this goal, or why it is important to yourself. If we can connect this goal with real self-development interests, or something that we really value, then we can turn some so-called “external goals” into our own goals. When we think about why we are doing this and agree with the importance of this matter, our inner feelings of oppression will be much less.
Besides, if we can also discover some opportunities for self-growth and progress, and in the process, put more focus on the improvement of self-ability, then we can succeed from it. And the satisfaction brought by the progress will also enjoy this process.
Of course, through such self-reflection, we are likely to find that some goals are not really important to themselves, and some things are not really “have to” do, the real motive behind them is actually In order to maintain self-esteem or meet the expectations of others. At this time, we should give up this goal bravely and decisively, and then focus on what is more important to ourselves.
Self-adjustment when lost
But again, as a social animal, we are hardly immune to society or others, even if our initial goals are self-consistent, but with achievements and external attention The increase, all kinds of opportunities and temptations will continue to come to us. At this time, we will begin to pay more and more attention to what others think of ourselves, and vanity will begin to grow.
The result is that we will begin to deviate from our original heart in order to meet others’ expectations and sustained attention. Sometimes, even if I have realized this kind of deviation, I will not be able to return to the original track because I am afraid of losing my attention, so that I will have to live for vanity in the future. In fact, all those who have achieved certain achievements and recognition on the road of self-development will face this change of mind. As far as I am concerned, in the past few years when I was working as a public accountant, I often had to face this inner struggle: whether to insist on being yourself, or to get more attention by catering to the market? Whenever I feel lost and anxious, or able to perceive my vanity, I will stop and ask myself what is the most important thing, what is it for doing this thing. Fortunately, every reflection will pull me back to the original track, let me redefine my core goal – to pursue cognitive growth and breakthrough, to understand the bottom-level rules of self-growth and development, and then Use this knowledge and experience to help more people grow. Therefore, I have always regarded writing as a means to promote my thinking and learning. In this way, I will solve myself and then slowly form my own ideology. I don’t care about the recognition of others, and I don’t want to get more financial returns, but I know that it should be the natural result after I have enough strength and achievements, not the goal. If other people’s recognition and economic interests are regarded as the most important pursuit goals, I will easily deviate from my true desires. Such goals will no longer have self-consistency, and will not bring me real happiness and satisfaction.
Moreover, I always believe in one thing:
Strength and foresight are prerequisites for realizing value and gaining wealth. As long as there is strength, others will gradually come, and these all take time to accumulate.
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Finally, let’s go back to the story of Harden’s grandfather. Why did Harden’s grandfather get the “achievement” he wanted, but he didn’t get what he longed for?
What is the sense of music and presence? It’s very simple, because he skipped the middle of the effort and growth process, but bought the result directly with money, but what he didn’t know was that the happiness he really wanted actually existed in the one he ignored. And in the process of continuous efforts to break through.
In a sense, the meaning and role of having goals is not to “achieve” them, but to give us a clear direction of struggle and let us invest in it and enjoy the process of self-growth and breakthrough.
If we only want to return, we don’t want to struggle, we only want results, but we don’t want to go through the process, then we will never get the satisfaction and sense of accomplishment we want.
So, when thinking about and setting goals, don’t just get it.To think about it, but to think from the perspective of giving, but ask yourself:
Am I willing to work hard for this goal?
This is not only a good way to test whether this goal is really important (because we will only be willing to suffer for what really matters), but also an important determinant of our ability to achieve sustained happiness.