A sincere apology may be enough.
Editor’s note: This article is from WeChat public account “Harvard Business Review” (ID: hbrchinese), author Patricia Thompson.
Let us face the reality and work under pressure. Whether the pressure comes from your boss, your colleagues, or your workload, the pressure will become very big. After a particularly frustrating meeting, you get angry with a colleague.
You may just want to blame this day on a bad day, then move on and pretend that nothing has happened. But others may not forget it so quickly. As Roy Baumeister wrote in his classic article Bad Is Stronger Than Good, people feel more negative experiences than good experiences. A comprehensive, negative impression is formed faster and more difficult than a positive impression. To recover from such a thing, you need to treat this situation with humility and willingness. Here’s how to do it:
Be honest with yourself. The first step in dealing with this situation is to look at yourself honestly. Is this a one-time experience, or have you experienced it many times? If your temper is really beyond your normal range, then people familiar with you will most likely see it as caused by environmental factors. In this case, a sincere apology may be enough. However, if you do this often, you will face a tougher path in restoring your reputation.
Apologize. The next thing you have to do is apologize. Ideally, you should do this as soon as possible after the event, so you can reduce the time that other people are bothered and discussed with colleagues. According to Roy Lewicki, Beth Polin, and Robert Lount, effective apologies have six components:
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Sorry
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Explain what’s wrong
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Recognition responsibility
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Confession Declaration
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Propose emotional repair
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Request forgiveness
The researchers found that the more these ingredients are included, the more positive others respond to apologies. However, not all aspects of an apology are equally important. They found that the most critical part of an apology was recognition of responsibility. So, when you apologize for your grievance, admit everything you have done. Don’t make excuses for yourself. Sincerely admit that your actions are wrong.
In this study, the second most important component of an apology was the proposed repair. So explain what you are going to do to make up for it. For example, if you are furious about someone in public, you can be sure to apologize to them and then apologize when you meet next time when all witnesses are present. Or, you can explain what steps you will take to avoid the same thing happening again in the future.
For example, if you notice that when your schedule is full, you will become irritable, and you can promise to better manage your workload or rest more. If you have problems with defensiveness, you can choose to allow others to gently point out when you can’t accept their point of view, so you can check yourself right away. Or, if you really have a hard time controlling your temper, you can promise to work with your coach to develop strategies to help you better control your reactions. Then, be sure to do this. After all, if you show the same behavior over and over again, your apology will soon become meaningless.
Find out what triggered your outbreak. In order to reduce the possibility of losing your temper in the future, you need to find out the factors that cause your temper. Do you need to manage your stress better? Do you tend to violently attack when you feel attacked or vulnerable? Is there a specific person who makes you feel depressed? Are there any personal problems that permeate the work and make you more nervous? Once you have identified the cause, you will place yourself in a position to solve the problem so that you can make a more constructive response in the future.
For example, if you realize that you feel frustrated when someone feels that someone is attacking you, you can change your perspective and realize that different perspectives can help the team solve the problem more effectively. Or, if you realize that you become more irritable when you don’t have enough sleep, you can improve your sleep habits (or at least, more consciously monitor your behavior after a bad night). If you notice that your emotions will occupy your best in a tense moment, you can practice deep breathing while you are nervous, so that you can calm your body and think more clearly at that moment.
Standing. If you want to change what others think of you, you need to be more peaceful on a consistent basis.Gesture. This is important because because of the “confirmation of prejudice”, we are more inclined to take note of behaviors that confirm our perception of others, not those that are inconsistent with them. This means that if you are seen as an impulsive person, people are more likely to notice that once you yelled and cursed your colleague, instead of being happy at all other meetings this week, Charm time. While this may seem unfair, it is what you need to do to change what others think of you.
Focus on relationships. When you have a strong relationship with the people around you, they are more likely to forgive your occasional mistakes. When I consulted with people in the company, I often heard colleagues prefer to forgive a quirky temper who has established a lot of social relationships with them, not those who didn’t take the time to connect with them. This makes sense, because when you have a close relationship with someone, you will accumulate a large number of different data points, which will give you a comprehensive and good view.
So, in order to restore your reputation, it is important to spend time building a genuine relationship with others. As Socrates wrote, “The way to get a good name is to try to be what you want to be.” So once you have a temper, your goal should not be just to change what others think of you; your goal should be It is to adjust your potential character so that the reputation you strive for will reflect who you really are.
Be patient. Finally, although you may have come out of this matter very quickly, others may not. So even if you’ve been in top shape for weeks, be aware that others may need more time to believe that the changes you’ve shown are real.
I used to work with a client who was struggling to control her emotions at work. After recovering from feedback that was considered “rude and capricious”, she decided to change her mind. She actively uses listening skills, focuses on building interpersonal relationships, begins psychological exercises, and strives to better manage her stress. She is making great strides and is proud of her progress.
However, a month later, she said to us in frustration. She is not sure if anyone has changed her opinion about her. This made her very depressed because she has put so much effort into her career growth. Despite this, she persisted. After a few months, she received feedback and everyone else expressed her appreciation for her new way of working.
As I mentioned, you need to stick to new behaviors and also need patience. If people have known you in a way, they may need some time to realize that you have changed your behavior; believe this is a permanent change. So if people realize that the changes you are making take longer than you want, try not to be frustrated. Stick to it and they will notice it.
In fact, I want to recover after losing my temper at work.Coming over is a challenge. While it’s not always easy to change what others think of you, it’s absolutely achievable with consistency, focus, and patience.
Author introduction
Patricia Thompson
Dr. Patricia Thompson is the President of a corporate psychology and management consulting firm. She uses her extensive experience to help organizations select, develop and engage employees.
译言网网 Christophin | Translated Zhou Qiang | School