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Learn to refuse, let us live more like ourselves.

Editor’s note: This article is from WeChat public account “porridge left Luo” (ID: fangdushe520), author porridge Zuo Luo main creation group.

Hello everyone, I am Shi Guangqing.

Today, talk about a communication technique that we often encounter but often do not handle well – refuse.

The rejection here means refusing the other party.

In the process of dealing with others, we often encounter this situation:

I don’t want to answer the other’s request, but I don’t know how to refute the other party.

There was a rejection. When the other party made the second request, we agreed to the other party.

Mutual help is human nature, but if you don’t understand the refusal to form a habit, this is a very dangerous thing.

This habit makes it easier for us to accept other people’s requests reluctantly, and sometimes even pay more time, energy, and money to satisfy other people’s requests.

You may feel that refusing is very simple, just say “no”.

Sincerely, saying “no” directly is the most direct way to refuse, but it may also be the least effective of all rejection methods.

Rejection is too crude and may affect each other’s relationship.

Rejection is too euphemistic, and it does not achieve the effect of rejection.

The important thing about learning to reject is that we have to reconsider “rejection”:

Rejection is not an impolite thing, nor is it a deliberate denial of the other party’s request. Rejection is a relatively good result of choice after judgment.

So, when rejecting the other party, we should not have a heavy burden.

Learn to refuse, it is also a required course for everyone to grow up.

With this article, I will make it clear from four aspects: “Reject”:

01 Why is it always difficult to refuse?

02 Mistaken refusal

The nature of 03 rejection

04 How to reject efficiently

01.Why are we always not good at rejecting?

After graduating, some “experienced” seniors oftenTell me:

Beginning to enter the workplace, you must know how to look at things, be proactive, and take the initiative to help you meet small things.

After work, I did do this. I have almost everything for the big things in the office. Colleagues need to do bids. I will help print, lead the PPT, and I volunteer.

Later I found out that although I seem to be busy, but many times I am helping others, it seems that I am very skilled at work, but most of them are useless.

My energy is also dispersed in the constant “help”, and my work is not ideal.

I was convinced by the guidance of the expert, this may be the first bowl of poisoned chicken soup I first entered the workplace.

This bowl of chicken soup taught me:

Being familiar with chores can’t improve my ability. I dare to say “no” in the face of things that are not good for myself. Otherwise, it will easily become a good old man in the workplace.

And the good old people in the workplace seem to have a good relationship with them, but the good relationship is often based on the ability to continue to provide value to others. In essence, the core of this relationship is extremely fragile, once you can’t By helping others, your value will drop rapidly.

So, whenever you refuse, you must decisively refuse.

Why are we always not good at rejecting?

Going far, this is related to our ancestors.

For our ancestors, being consistent with others is a strategy for survival. In an unfamiliar place, the safest way to survive is to be consistent with the people around you. In terms of behavior, imitating others, and responding to requests from others, you are more inclined to affirmative answers, so as not to be excluded and threaten yourself. Safety.

Going closer, it’s related to the education we have received.

The education we received from childhood told us to be helpful. The grandmother crossed the road and we have to help. Xiaoming was bullied by the classmates. We are helping us. This kind of helpful education is almost accompanied by our entire enlightenment education stage.

So, refusing to be difficult is not a case we have today, but from ancient times to the present, refusal is a matter of anti-humanity, and the frequent rejection of others may even affect their emotions.

Dive Wagner, a professor of management at Ohio University, has done a research discovery:

People who need to reject others frequently at work are more likely to have problems with insomnia, anxiety, depression, etc., and they often feel fineExhausted, there will be more conflicts with family members.

So, rejecting others is not an easy task.

The reason why we are not good at rejecting is usually reflected in the following aspects.

01Ethical kidnapping makes us less and less refused

The first reason for not being good at refusal is the pressure from moral kidnapping.

This moral kidnapping makes it difficult for you to reject each other.

Example:

We are friends, I will help you, you should not refuse, otherwise you just don’t treat me as a friend.

I have helped you, now I have difficulties, you should also help me, or you are ungrateful.

I am your loved one, look for your help, you should not refuse, or you will be sorry for family.

This situation is not uncommon in our lives. Under the pressure of this moral abduction, it seems that as long as we reject the other party, we are sinners.

In the long run, the blessing of moral abduction makes it more and more unwilling to refuse.

02Worry about refusal is not conducive to maintaining interpersonal relationships

People who are not good at rejecting usually have one thing in common, namely:

The maintenance of interpersonal relationships is extremely concerned.

When they refuse, they will think too much about the possible consequences of rejection.

After fear of rejection, the other party will be unhappy because of their rejection.

After worrying about the rejection, the other party will then sever the contact with him.

After worrying about rejection, the next time you encounter difficulties, the other party will refuse.

So, over-emphasizing the consequences of rejection is also an important factor in our failure to reject.

03 Self-respecting drive makes you reluctant to refuse

Psychology shows that the process of helping others is also a process of self-worth.

In this case, rejecting the other party is tantamount to giving up the opportunity to help the other party, and giving up the opportunity to prove self-worth.

At school, everyone will not be able to ask questions, you may be willing to help others.

Because you have the right friends to ask for your help, in order to prove your worth, you may have to slap your own scalp and help the other party to do things.

Why do we often have a swollen face and fat, the reason behind it is that the drive of self-respect makes it unwilling to refuse the other party’s request.

And some smart people often ask others to help when they ask for help, because they know that doing so will help improve their success rate.

So, the existence of self-respect is one of the reasons why we can’t refuse each other.

02. 90% of people have encountered these four rejected misunderstandings

Refused is not thorough enough

The first misunderstanding of rejection is that the rejection is not complete. This does not completely make the other party see the turn.

For example, when you have a dinner party, you don’t want to drink, so you tell everyone:

Don’t want to drink today.

This is the typical rejection is not thorough enough.

Because “do not want to” is subjective, but any subjective willing will give people a feeling of change.

So, the feeling you give everyone is that you could have drunk, just don’t want to drink, this is not a good way to refuse.

Because everyone knows, you may be compromised by advising you a few more words. And if you say:

“Today” “can’t drink”

This is a hard condition. You don’t want to drink, you can’t drink it. If you add another reason:

“The cephalosporin was eaten today, and the doctor said that you should never drink alcohol”

The effect of such a rejection will be better.

Because this is an objective hard condition, others have no chance to dissuade. “I don’t want” and “can’t” are only one word, but the effect of saying it is different.

For example, a friend comes to you to borrow a car, you don’t want to borrow, the reason you are looking for is:

“Tomorrow the car to be maintained or use the car tomorrow”

This is not the best way to refuse, because once you say this, the other person may say:

“Then I will come back to you in two days”

When the other party comes back to find you to borrow a car, you may have no reason to find it.

So, a thorough approach is:

Don’t talk about principles, because most people are still willing to respect others’ principles rather than trusting each other’s reasons.

You can say:

“The car can’t be borrowed. This is my principle. I didn’t borrow any of my relatives.”

So, when you refuse, you must be thorough, use a firm attitude, and a firm stance. Otherwise, the result of hesitation is often a compromise.

Deferred rejection

The second misunderstanding of rejection is a delayed rejection, which is explained in one sentence:

Deferred to express a rejection attitude to the other party.

In the actual communication scenario, we often try to reduce the impact of rejection by delaying.

ThisOne method may be able to alleviate the consequences of rejection, but it cannot change the fact of rejection.

Rejection is rejection, early rejection is the same as late rejection, and early rejection, the other party has enough time to think of alternatives, delaying to a certain time and then rejecting, is more likely to have a greater impact on the other party.

– Someone wants you to help, you can’t help you directly, but you are busy today.

——The next day, the other party raised it again, and you said that.

– On the third day, people have to invite you to dinner. You said that there is no time, and so on.

– On the fourth day, the other party can’t help but talk about your bottom. You also finally showdown with the other party and can’t help.

At this time, the other party’s surface is not talking, and the heart is already roaring:

You can’t help saying it early, wasting time.

It was just a trivial matter. If you refused directly, you may not be disgusted, but if you have been delaying the refusal, the impact on the other party may be even greater.

Cut refusal is a sign of mutual respect, and simply refusing can avoid many subsequent troubles.

Concession Rejection

The third misunderstanding of rejection is a concessionary rejection.

In the book Influence, this strategy is called: refusal to retreat

meaning that when you reject a large request from the other party, if the other party makes a small request, you can easily relax your vigilance and promise the other party’s request.

For example, in the case of borrowing money, concession refusal occurs more often.

——Friends: Recently I am tight, I want to find you to borrow 10,000 turnovers.

——You: I don’t have enough money now…

——Friends: Then you can lend me less, 2000 pieces.

At this time, you may agree to the other party’s request, which is to fall into the “rejection trap.”

This kind of scene is often used as an attack tool. For example, if you want a stranger to fill out a 3-page questionnaire, the other party is not willing, and if you shorten the length to 1 page, the possibility of the other party agreeing to you. Will be much higher.

Over-interpreted rejection

The fourth misunderstanding of rejection is over-interpretation.

In essence, when we receive a request from the other party, there are only two kinds of feedback:

1, refuse

2, accept

Although there are only two outcomes, but instinctively, after rejecting the other party, we tend to try to make our rejection more reasonable through explanation.

However, we ignore one of the most important facts:

The other party wants only one result, and we can explain it again, and the result is only one and will not change.

Moderate interpretation is necessary, but if you explain it too much, it will often be counterproductive, or evenLet the other person get annoyed.

This is why we will hear the other person throwing a sentence after rejection:

“No, it doesn’t work, explain so much, explain is to cover up”

So, over-interpretation is a big misunderstanding in the rejection process, and it is easy for the other party to feel that we are hiding the problem.

03.The nature of rejection

Let the other person self-denial, not the other party

When we reject each other, we are essentially changing our expectations for the outcome.

When you make a request to us, the subliminal hope is to get “yes”.

And our rejection of the other’s answer is “no”.

The negative word itself has a negative effect, and the negative word has a greater impact on rejecting it.

So, when we refuse, we must consider the other side’s point of view, both to use less negative words, but also to achieve a good rejection effect.

So how do you want to reject the other party and use less negative words?

We set the conditions and let the other person self-denial.

Because no one likes to be rejected unless they change their minds.

The simple thing to say is that we have to give a reason and then let the other party cancel their request.

What do you usually say when you borrow money from you?

If you stand in your own perspective, you may say directly:

“Can’t borrow, I don’t have any spare money now”

If you say by changing the other person’s thoughts, you might say:

“The house has just been bought recently, and the monthly salary is just paying the mortgage”

This is the statement from two angles. Obviously, the second rejection statement will work better.

Because when the other party borrows money from you, you should first put your current situation out, and then let the other party see your situation, then you can cancel the idea of ​​borrowing money.

The second way to reject the usual answer is:

“It seems that you are not easy, I will find someone else”

This rejection effect will be much better.

The hardest thing to change in the world is the thoughts of others, so you have to let the other side deny your thoughts by putting the actual situation out.

04.Valid rejection,Relying on empathy

Reason for refusal

The best way to reject is to give reasons when you refuse. It is best to let the other person understand your rejection.

In the first episode, Zhang Jie asked about Li Jian’s rejection of the song many years ago. Li Jian’s rejection was also praised by many people.

Li Jian said this:

“I used to write songs to you and wronged you, but I think your voice will be higher, so I will wait.”

Li Jian’s refusal was very clever, and he found a reason for refusal. The purpose of this reason was to hold Zhang Jie’s singing skills and resolve the shackles, and at the same time cleverly ended the topic by “waiting again”.

So, giving a reason when rejecting can greatly enhance the effect of rejection, while also taking into account the other side’s face.

Consultative advice when refusing

The second way to efficiently reject is to give constructive advice to the other party when you refuse.

Why do you have to be constructive?

Because constructive opinions are more instructive, meaning that although you can’t provide direct help, you can at least let the other person know what to do next and show your sincerity.

For example, your spoken English is very good, so someone wants you to give guidance.

If you are just busy at this time, you can euphemistically reject by constructive comments.

You can say this:

I am busy now. I will recommend you to several English radio stations and several public numbers first. You can listen more and more every day. This method is very useful for me. You can also try it.

Regardless of the feasibility of this proposal, you at least let the other person feel that you are thinking about it rather than being perfunctory.

And at the same time giving constructive advice to the other party, it is also giving the other side a step, oftenAn important reason for the refusal to cause serious consequences is that it is not fully considered for the other party. After the refusal, the other party has no face.

Break the information is not equal

The third method of efficient rejection is to break the information.

Because the other party is making a request to you, you often don’t know if you can help them, in their eyes:

You are a programmer and you should understand all programming languages.

You are doing IT, you should fix the computer.

A friend from a hometown knows that I am doing self-media, so I want to help me write a video script for their quick hand. It is a different matter to write articles and write video scripts. Moreover, I have never used a quick hand. How can I write? Get the script.

So, by breaking the unequal information, let the other person clearly understand what you are doing, what you can and can’t do.

For example, your professional translation, so a friend found you saying:

“I remember that your job is to translate, help me translate an article”

At this point you can tell each other:

“My job is translation, but I am responsible for oral translation, and I have not translated the manuscript. These two are different, so I can’t help you.”

As another example, your career is a video director, so a friend is looking for you:

“I heard that you are a video director, can you help me make a ghost-like video?”

At this point, you can also tell each other:

“I am a promotional film for the company, can’t do the video of the ghosts”

With such a refusal, the other party will be able to realize that the demand and the content of your work are not matched, so they naturally understand why they are rejected.

Let the other person know the cost and price you have to pay

The other person is looking for your help. It is very likely that it is a breeze to help you, but in fact, any help is costly, either paying time or energy.

So, in this case, you have to make it clear to the other party, let the other person realize the cost and cost you have to pay, and then let the other party deny yourself.

I have a friend who is a senior marketing consultant. The whole country flies around to give lectures to enterprises. The cost of lectures is at least 50,000 a day. Fans often contact him and want to meet with him. However, for this big coffee, most What is missing is time.

So, he often rejects the other party’s request, and the way to reject it is simple and effective:

Directly send your own payment consultation channel to the other party. If you want to meet, you can use the payment channel to make time.

In this way, the effect of refusal is naturally achieved, because the other party understands at a glance, “It turns out that his time is 50,000 hours a day,” and then dismissedThe idea of ​​consulting.

Sometimes others ask us for help. It’s not that they really have strong needs, just just a little demand. In their eyes, you just can complete their needs with little effort.

So, the fourth measure of euphemistic rejection of the other party is to show the cost of your help, let the other party know that your contribution is very costly, and finally let the other party refuse to yourself.

Defining the consequences of not rejecting

For a friend with a car, borrowing a car should not be a strange thing.

A lot of times, the new car that I just bought, has not been borrowed, but I have been borrowed. Although I don’t say it, my heart is definitely a little uncomfortable.

So, there is also a need to reject the other party through a “clear rejection of the consequences”.

I have seen such a paragraph about borrowing a car online.

In order to prevent others from borrowing the car and not accepting it, he only sent a circle of friends, and the problem was solved.

The circle of friends says this:

“The car insurance company that you just bought does not give insurance, you are all conceited, according to previous experience of blood and tears, a pair of headlights 10w, one tire 2w”

This is a very high refusal, no positive explanation, no even one-on-one communication, telling you directly if I agree to the cost of borrowing a car.

Use yes…but..sentence

yes..but… The sentence is originally used in the communication to refute the other party’s scene, and the same sentence is taken when rejecting the other party.

For example, a colleague looking for you to help with PPT, directly rejecting you may feel too blunt, so you can use the yes…but…sentence.

You can say this:

“I really want to help you (yes), but (but) I really don’t have time now, so I am really sorry”

The effect of rejection can be reduced by this way of first recognizing and then rejecting.

The difficulty of refusal is difficult to consider both the feelings of the other party and the effect of rejection.

Learn to reject is a confident expression that stands out in the game of satisfying yourself and please others.

Learn to refuse, it is a kind of self-protection, so that we no longer want to compromise with each other because of other factors.

Learn to refuse, it is a sublimation of personality, born to be human, let us live more like ourselves.