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Don’t let “vicious conflicts” ruin your startup.

Alpha says: The relationship between founders and co-founders is one of the most important relationships in entrepreneurship. But in an environment of stress and constant challenge, it is not uncommon for conflicts between founding team members. How to properly handle such conflicts and maintain long-term relationships between members? Continuous entrepreneur Dave Bailey summed up a set of possible methods.

Venture capital-backed startups are always under greater pressure. The conflict between the founding team members is strongly avoided, and it is likely to kill a startup. The data shows that 20% of the founding teams have experienced the co-founders leaving because of the conflict.

20% is just a statistic, but it is painful for people who have actually experienced it. I have experienced a breakup with the co-founder. Just like divorce, you will feel hard, painful and stressful, and the company will suffer a lot.

Building a startup from 0 to 1, the founding team has to make a lot of important decisions, and the differences are hard to avoid. Moderate collisions help to challenge old ideas and promote innovation; vicious conflicts can create a rift in the relationships of founding team members.

As a continuous entrepreneur and business consultant, I will discuss in this article the types of conflicts that may arise between founding team members, how conflict should be avoided, and the long-term benign relationship of members.

Why long-term partnerships break down

The relationship between the founder and the co-founder is like a couple: both are contractual long-term relationships, and there are penalties for “divorce”; both need to spend a lot of time getting along and need deep trust, they have to bear pressure.

As with husband and wife, “malignant conflicts” are also the main reason for the breakdown of relationships between business partners. It means that when the two parties are in conflict, they always see the worst side of the other party, conduct personal attacks on the other party, and refuse to disclose their true thoughts and needs. Such conflicts do not help to reach consensus and solve problems. Attack, contempt, and concealment are the easiest behaviors to make conflicts out of control.

Beneficial conflict

Corresponding to a vicious conflict is a “benign conflict” that makes long-term relationships healthier. In “benign conflicts”, conversations focus on specific issues rather than expansion; both parties are truly concerned about the other, are willing to express real thoughts and feelings, and work together to find solutions.

To establish a healthy co-founder relationship, entrepreneurs must avoid “vicious conflicts” and accept “benign conflicts.” This may seem simple, but it is not easy. In the cooperative relationship, it is more and more difficult to control the conflict in the “benign” scope over time; you think that the closer you are to a person, the better the relationship will be, the facts are often just right.in contrast.

To break this contradiction, then look down.

Emotional Triggering and Dependency Theory

There is a component of interest between the founder and the co-founder, but it is more emotionally dependent. Long-term partnerships are more difficult to deal with than ordinary friends because they involve emotional triggers, which tend to occur as relationships become more closely related. These triggers can undermine our rationality and make some destructive behavior.

According to Adam Levine’s research, there are three types of human emotional dependence, and I extend it to business partnerships:

Security Dependency: The founders of security dependencies feel a sense of security in the partnership and can make his co-founders feel comfortable, and they tend to trust those closer to them. .

Anxiety: This type of person will feel unsafe in the partnership and it is hard to trust the partner. The “cold” of partners can make them feel anxious, which leads to excessive attention to partners and excessive behavior.

Avoid Dependence: This type of person avoids being too close to people, tends to be highly independent, and does not rely on others. But when things go wrong, they will blame others, don’t care about the other’s feelings, and they don’t expose their true thoughts and feelings.

Of course, problems with the co-founder relationship are not all related to emotional dependence. It is also related to the co-founder’s motivational changes, personal circumstances, and cultural differences.

However, the “virtual conflict” between the founding team members is important because of insecurity, understanding and eliminating the insecurities of the co-founders, and avoiding conflicts to a large extent.

Understanding the type of dependencies you have with your co-founders

In fact, people will have three types of dependencies at the same time, but which type of dependency type dominates. People with different types of dependencies will have a profound impact on long-term partners.

A person with a security-dependent type will make others on the team feel more secure, and a co-founder of an anxiety-dependent type will pass on his anxiety to others.

In the worst case, different members of the founding team have a type of dependency that creates insecurity. For example, a co-founder who tends to be self-reliant and maintains emotional distance, avoids dependence, and a more sensitive co-founder of anxiety-dependent styles will make each other more anxious and more inclined to maintain distance. The long-term result is that the partnership is going to break. .

To avoid bad things, first know which type of emotional dependence you and your co-founders belong to. Here is a simple test that shows when the founding team members encounter certain situations., the response made.

1. There are some minor issues with your co-founder’s business.

A. Obviously, if you want to get things right, you have to be responsible for it.

B. There is an error, how can I support the team?

C. My co-founder did not take the initiative to respond to this matter, I need to express my opinion and make a lot of calls.

2. Your co-founder has not responded to your work email for a few days.

A. At least I will get some quiet time.

B. They must be very busy. I will wait until the next meeting to communicate.

C. Why don’t they respond? It must be ignoring me.

3. You and the co-founder interpret a piece of data in a different way.

A. It’s silly, they just don’t understand it very well.

B. I am very curious, what are they based on to make such an explanation?

C. Maybe they are right, and I am not sure if my opinion is the best.

4. Your co-founder has provided you with some feedback.

A. I don’t like to get feedback, I would rather focus on my work.

B. Getting feedback from another perspective helps to think, I am willing to accept.

C. Every time I get or give feedback, I will quarrel with others.

5. You are developing a new plan for the business area you are responsible for.

A. I don’t need to involve other co-founders, this is my site.

B. I am willing to fully discuss with the co-founders, learn from their experiences and make the plan better.

C. I want to discuss with the co-founders to determine all the details of the plan.

6. You find that the important work of the co-founder has been a big problem.

A. This is their problem, not mine.

B. I will provide any help I can do.

C. A crisis may be that they did not spend enough time and energy on their work.

Test Results:

A options correspond to avoiding dependency types, and they tend to work independently.

The B option corresponds to the type of security dependencies, and they do a better job of cooperation.

The C option corresponds to the type of anxiety dependence. They need more security and are not so direct in communication.

How toBuilding a lasting relationship with the co-founders?

The startup is always in a state of innovation and challenge, and its founding team, including executives, is also in a normal state of stress and insecurity. Fortunately, according to the theory of dependency, our type of dependency is not static. If we can fully understand the type of dependence between ourselves and the co-founder, and manage the excessive behavior that comes with it, we can better maintain the members of the founding team. Long-term relationship.

1. Thoroughly self-awareness

The first step in improving your relationship with the co-founder is to understand your type of dependencies and the specific thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that accompany them. A preliminary determination can be made through the previous step. If you are dependent on a lack of security, you need to improve your self-awareness and determine which behaviors are more secure.

Entrepreneurs can ask themselves and co-founders the following questions early in the startup:

• How do you view the relationship of this venture partnership?

• Which specific situations trigger a stressful behavior that causes insecurity?

• What is your thoughts, feelings and actions at this time?

• What behaviors are recurring?

• Why do these behaviors occur, such as suspicion, neglect, conflict?

• To give the other party more security and to make the relationship closer, what should I do?

2. Learn to communicate more effectively.

In-depth understanding of yourself and the other party is for more sincere and effective communication, but good communication is actually difficult to achieve in vicious conflicts, and people will soon lead communication to criticism and even insult.

One of the most useful communication frameworks in the event of a conflict is non-violent communication. Its core is a simple model:

When (a fact) happens, I feel (your true emotions) because I need some (to help solve the real need of the problem), you can (make a request)?

In times of conflict, people are more emotional. In fact, it is more difficult to calm down and judge what is fact and what is bias. But it is really necessary to communicate in the right way, even though it requires practice and strong self-control.

3. Re-adjust your reaction to conflicts

Once you have determined that your type of dependency is the type that will infuriate other members of the founding team, you can choose to make a new response. This may be a bit of a violation of human nature, it is difficult, but it brings to the company The value is positive.

If you belong to the Anxiety Dependence type, you can: in the face of conflict:

Calm down: Take a deep breath and calm down, don’t be emotional.

Redefining issues: Focus on specific issues rather than emotions, focusing on what you are achieving.

Reactively respond to the co-founder’s communication: Listen carefully to the co-founders’ questions and make targeted responses that enhance their sense of security and build stronger connections.

Definitely the co-founder’s contribution: Every member of the founding team is important, and everyone’s contributions can be combined to drive the company forward. The contribution to the members is fully expressed, which can both enhance its sense of security and ease its anxiety.

Be patient: It’s not easy to change the way you deal with conflicts. Be patient with the other members of the founding team, give the two sides some space when necessary, help calm down; be patient with yourself, and face and deal with conflicts in a gradual way.

If you belong to the Avoid Dependency type:

Show your feelings and thoughts: Reveal your feelings (whether positive or negative) in communication, express your true thoughts, and your co-founders can receive real information. In order to make the right response.

Try empathy: Look at the problem from your co-founder’s perspective and really understand what is bothering them. This also shows that you care about the co-founders.

Respect different opinions: You and the co-founders don’t have to agree on everything. Taking the time to understand different perspectives can help to break out innovative solutions.

Expression of encouragement and comfort: All long-term deep relationships have emotional rootsPrime. Expressing encouragement and comfort to co-founders when they encounter difficulties can produce positive effects that exceed your expectations.

Maintaining long-term relationships is hard work

The long-term success of the relationship between the founding team members can have a significant impact on whether the startup can maintain the right direction. The maintenance of relations is related to the handling of “vicious conflicts”.

As an entrepreneur, it is the responsibility to lead your own startups to move forward steadily. It also requires a strong sense of self, self-management in conflicts, and maintaining a very important cooperative relationship for startups. We share with entrepreneurs.

This article is compiled from Medium, the original author is a continuous entrepreneur Dave Bailey.