You don’t know what you are good at, but you are good at hurting yourself.
Editor’s note: This article is from WeChat public account “Liu Shimei Beauty” (ID :crystal_words), author Zhao Xiaoli.
Writing in front
A lot of people will encounter a common problem, that is, I feel that the current job is not what I want, the work can not afford the spirit, I can not feel any value and meaning, and I will flash in my mind countless times in minutes. I want to leave my mind.
However, this idea will be suppressed by another thought in the invisible, that is —
“I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t have a goal and no direction. Besides continuing to consume it here, I can’t think of a better way.”
Do you often encounter such confusion?
First, what should I do? I don’t know what I want to do
A few years ago, when Xiaoqian (a pseudonym)’s top-level university’s Halo began to enter the society’s first job of finding a career, she would never think of a seemingly stable and promising data. Statistical work will completely bias her professional runway.
It is a well-known large state-owned enterprise in the local area. In the eyes of parents, it is formal, stable and promising. It is a company that is very good in all aspects. It is mentioned that when a daughter graduates, she can enter such a Units, parents have fun on the face, and again, Xiao Qian must take the opportunity to make their own achievements.
In Xiao Qian’s vision, she also has an infinite embarrassment for the future: she plans for herself to start from the statistics, work hard, learn more and think through her own efforts, and provoke data analysis in the future. The heavy responsibility, and then transferred to the Finance Department to serve or promote to the director of the data center, the only side.
Since entering the first day of this company, Xiaoqian is always attentive and diligent, but I don’t know why. Xiaoqian sees the number and has a headache. The work is difficult; she is afraid of her own numbers. Wrong, the more you are afraid, the more nervous you are, the more nervous you are, the easier it is to make mistakes.
What should I do? Is it not suitable for this job? Do you want to resign?
Since then, Xiaoqian’s inner suffering has begun.
Second, what makes us unable to see what we want?
Xiaoqian’s worries are exactly the same as many people in the workplace:
If you resign, not only yourself for a few yearsThe painstaking efforts have been lost, and even the people who have worked hard to accumulate may break down;
If you stay, you will spend a lot of time in the future to face a bunch of non-insensitive numbers. She knows that her work may not have any improvement, like a pool of stagnant water.
However, when she thought of leaving, she was quickly trapped by another problem–
“What can I do after I resign? If I still have to do data work, do I have to start from scratch? I have to repeat the same pain? If I don’t do it, what can I do?” Qian asked himself over and over again.
Not knowing what you want to do is the most self-destructive prophecy I have ever heard.
The reason why it is called “self-destructive prophecy” is a book from Barbara Smith. In the book, Barbara mentioned that the reason why people are unable to choose to act is that they are Destroyed in the rhetoric.
These “self-destructive rhetoric” include:
1. Pursuing a dream means resigning, and how do you live when you resign? I can not do it!
2, I don’t have any longevity in doing anything. I obviously like it at the beginning, but I didn’t insist on it for a long time.
3. My existing success is hard to come by. Other people are too envious to come. I can say that I am dissatisfied and let go.
4. The things I want are wrong/unrealistic and cannot be understood and supported.
5. If you decide what you want to do, at the end of the day, you will find that the card is here. Isn’t it bad?
Wait.
Three, don’t know what you want to do, because you don’t dare
As more and more career counseling cases are handled, I am more and more convinced that it is –
In fact, you know what you want to do, and each of us knows what we want.
1, wanting to be a true self means that you may betray your parents’ expectations for life.
I gradually found out that many people can’t find what they want to do because they are always exhausted in self-depletion, and they are desperately tearing themselves in the expectation of themselves and others.
In the consultation, Xiaoqian constantly told me that she could not face the disappointment of her parents.
In order to make her parents happy, Xiaoqian learned to observe the words from an early age. She disguised herself as a parent’s favorite. For example, she obviously didn’t like the numbers, but still listened to her parents’ suggestions and started work related to numbers. Because this job can make parents feel at ease and practical.
This is a choice.
However when you choose to pick upAt the same time as your parents expect, you must let go of some expectations for yourself: expect yourself to find a favorite thing, expect yourself to have more careers, and expect yourself to have a different life.
2, if you want to be a real self, you need to let go of your inner “should”
There is a metaphor that says that we are often reluctant to identify with our true appearance, as if a person who is doing a full surgery is not willing to face a mirror.
Because we have carefully kept too many “should”.
Since we were educated, men should be strong, women should be weak, young people should obey, and old people should be safe.
We are like the audience in the house of cards, deeply convinced by these deeply rooted values from “society” and “family.” These values are so powerful that we dare not “accept” what we were.
3, don’t know what you are good at, but only good at hurting yourself
I told Xiaoqian that in most cases, the suggestions given by others have two parts, one is “he suggested me” and the other is “he expects me.”
When we are not deeply involved, we will simply believe that other people’s suggestions must be self-sufficient “giving advice”, but forget that, in fact, behind this “recommendation”, there is still hidden I am looking forward to this thing.
For example, Xiaoqian’s parents suggested that she find a stable and relaxed job, which contains expectations for her – I hope she has a stable and decent job that can marry and have children as soon as possible, hoping to give them a couple Children bring them to experience a sense of accomplishment.
If a person is mature enough, TA will understand the fact that we cannot meet the requirements of ourselves and others at the same time.
Fourth, from “want to do” to “can do”, but also match motivation
According to the above steps, Xiaoqian listed a few things that he wanted to do. New problems appeared. How do you judge which ones are really suitable for you?
This is also a puzzle that plagues many people. That is, it is hard to find some things that you want to do, but how to judge whether this is an area that you can do well and develop?
You can start with matching motivations.
The German psychologist Stronger studied the six intrinsic motivations of the world, and it has also become six motivational factors: theoretical orientation, practical orientation, aesthetic orientation, social orientation, personal orientation and traditional orientation. .
The theory emphasizes that these six factors are more or less present in each person, but the degree of each is different.
These six factors and related definitions are as follows:
1. The theoretical orientation emphasizes truth and knowledge. These people are good at researching and pursuing the mission and pursuit of truth and knowledge. Scientists and R&D personnel are such people.
2. Practical orientation focuses on return on investment. This kind of person pays attention to high efficiency, rejects any waste of time and resources, and is eager to gain income beyond others. Bankers and engineers often focus on such motivations;
3. Aestheticism emphasizes beauty and harmony. These motivation-oriented people pay attention to personal feelings and life experiences. They like to appreciate harmony and beauty. Typical people include designers, artists, yoga instructors, etc.
4. Social orientation points to services and helping people. These people are willing to help others without asking for rewards. Many volunteers, nurses, counselors, etc. have such qualities;
5. Individual directors pursue power and recognition. They are eager to lead others to have power and improve their status. Politicians, athletes, and chairman of the board have such qualities;
6. Traditional orientation focuses on principles and beliefs. These people pursue the value and significance of life, and pay attention to social structure and order. Many revolutionaries, cultural communicators, and military personnel have strong traditional guiding motives.
Usually, we believe that the two highest ranked factors among the six factors are the main drivers of your actions.
If a person’s work can match the two motivational factors of TA, then the potential of the person can be fully exerted, and a virtuous cycle of occupation will be formed, and eventually the better.
If the work doesn’t match your two motivational factors, even if you “do it”, but because of the lack of internal driving force, it is difficult to get a sense of accomplishment from the heart, so it is difficult to last.
I suddenly remembered a passage. The general idea is that the work itself cannot make us happy. What really makes us happy is the “work is done well”; and find what we want to do and can do well as soon as possible. The matter will undoubtedly make our career step into a benign development track.
And it’s crucial that this decision is not elsewhere, it’s just meThey are in their own hands.