We live in a world where gender is highly differentiated.
Editor’s note: This article is from WeChat public account “ Sixth person ” (ID: connect_yourself), sixth author.
We live in a world where gender is highly differentiated.
Men are educated to be brave, bold and adventurous, but women are nurtured as well-behaved, obedient and perfect.
Correspondingly, men are often rewarded for the process; women are often blamed for “results.”
This kind of parenting method not only makes boys and girls very good at observing their parents, environment, and culture’s expectations of themselves from a very young age, but also can accurately adopt the mode of action that matches them. The social expectations of “there is a difference between men and women” have long been established.
Women have been educated “more perfect” than “more brave”. This is almost a huge stumbling block that cannot be ignored in their life development.
But even if we realize the problem, it ’s interesting: we will continue to have strong “perfectionist tendencies” in certain areas, and demand ourselves in career, family, and intimate relationships: everything in life is not as good as we It ’s not even worth showing off and admiring as the outside world expects.
And even more frightening is that it is not the patents of ordinary, ordinary, or even backward girls that possess this kind of psychology-even women who have achieved achievements in all aspects have this mode of thinking and action … On the one hand, they have a shining light in front of everyone, but in private they lack sufficient self-confidence.
Rashma Sajani recorded her in-depth observation of perfectionism and bravery in her best-selling book “Brave but not Perfect”-at the age of 33, she quit her high-paying job at an investment company, breaking the constraints of her parents ’expectations After participating in the election without any political background and failing, he completely broke the fear of heights and attempted bungee jumping. Then he founded the non-profit organization “Program Girl” to reopen his career, and after the third devastating abortion, he tried to successfully conceive. Become a happy mother.
All of this is courage in creating power!
1, Most women want to be perfect before trying
“Perfectionism-Lack of courage-Fear of failure”, like a spell, traps many of us.
Have you ever experienced this: If I ca n’t do it first, I would rather not do it; if I ca n’t do it, I would rather not stand on the podium? The fear of “not outstanding enough” or “excellent enough” fills us with frustration and shame.
This “or pursueBeauty, or give up completely, “or” first-class, or worthless “almost makes a lot of meaningful and valuable attempts to start.
As a child, I love dancing. However, among the zither, dance and host, dance has won the fewest prizes and is one of the few. Because I can’t be Top1, I give up first.
This hurts my motivation to invest continuous effort and “confidence in my love” several times the time, energy, and concentration of confidence: the more you worry about failure, the less courage you have; The more you narrowly define one thing, the more you can’t go all out and enjoy the success and failure. But the form of “effort” walking for a sense of responsibility, guilt, and self-request is so different from the true “immersive effort” that it truly distances people from one another.
This is what Rushma Sajani said: The more successful and happy the girl in the eyes of others, the more often she is despised and bruised.
I understand that perfectionism is not a simple one-dimensional problem, but a complex complex of life-long beliefs, expectations and fears. Our attitude towards it is chaotic and not uniform. We have been training it and hope to get rid of it. It combines the characteristics of a rigorous master, a skeptic, and a critic. When we look in the mirror every morning, it starts saying hello to us, keeping us awake, thinking about our mistakes repeatedly, until we fall asleep at night.
Girls rarely see their “growth” and “progress” in their eyes. Even if they only have a little bit, they are not likely to use “positive thinking” to appreciate and recognize themselves. The girls grew up soaked in perfectionism.
There are many misunderstandings about perfectionism:
1. Think elegant appearance = perfect
2. I will be happy only when everything is perfect
3. If I am not perfect, everything will be messed up
4. Perfect makes me better
5. I can’t fail
6. Only by perfection can I get a higher position.
Women must come out of the social image-psycho-action split of “pretend to be socially perfect”; come from the self-blame for forgetting to do every little thing for their children; come from the blame of being a perfect mother Step out of it; step out of listening to your own voice, often in order to meet the demands of others.
2, The woman is trapped by what she is good at (successful role)
Men are willing to accept challenges, whether they are well prepared or not.
At the age of 33, Sajani decided to run for public office and made the best preparations. However, he finally lost because of lack of “public office experience”.
As an Indian immigrant, she has always lived up to her parents’ expectations. Look at herCV:
Yale Law School-Top 5 Law Firms in the U.S. + Top Financial Asset Management Companies.
After a long recovery period after the failure of the election, she chose to start the non-profit organization “Programming Girl” to help girls learn to program and develop abilities in the real science and engineering field. Sajani believes that if it wasn’t for visiting the various places during the election and finding that girls were almost completely absent from this emerging and rising discipline in programming, she would not choose to start a business and find her life mission.
Progressiveness and bravery are not necessarily the same-after being rejected by Yale Law School three times, it is not bravery that drives me to this prestigious school, but the motivation to focus on creating a perfect personal resume. When I was a little girl, I focused on being the best person. Every step I took was to make myself look smart and competent. Before 2010, none of the choices I made were courageous-for one reason, and very simple: there was no danger to them at all. Participating in elections was the first time I had left the script of life to do what I really cared about in a very personal way. This was the first time I took the initiative, even if I didn’t have 100% confidence to win.
Because we are good at bringing security and comfort, we desire to stay in a comfort zone for a long time.
“Glass ceilings (intangible barriers that limit women’s promotion to higher vocations) and dual constraints are limiting factors for women’s promotion, but I think that the way we cultivate the perfect girl is also leading to women’s leadership positions in business, government and other sectors An important reason for not being fully represented on the Internet. “
Women can live their wonderful life and gain lasting professional achievements. A very high threshold is whether you have the ability to exchange blood and renew yourself, go out of your comfort zone, and continue to shape and refine new strange fields. Ability. This point is also mentioned in Marshall Goldsmith’s “What got you here won’t get you there”:
With the rise of positions and responsibilities, what you were best at before is often not the thing you need to do in a new position. If you repeat the original behavior, you may ignore the big picture. Without developing new abilities, they may also lose the bad reputation of “controlling everything” with their subordinates.
Marshall Goldsmith 2007
The brave first step out of the comfort zone also means that we may find new opportunities in life and the second curve of our career. Sajani believes that this is not only in career, but even in multiple dimensions of interpersonal relationships and life happiness, helping us find ourselves, rediscovering the meaning of life, and being able to enjoy and confirm our present moment.Satisfaction-
We stay too long in professions we don’t like, just because we are good at it. Even when we wake up and realize that our profession, relationships, or life is not what we want, the thought of making changes can scare us. This is partly because we see change as a sign of failure, and partly because it means we may need to leave our comfort zone and start over.
3, How do we cultivate bravery? Train your brave muscles to stay strong
Courage is the strong look of all women: they choose a life path or partner that their families do not agree with, and they raise their children by themselves; or they respect their inner voice and decide not to have children for life; brave women return after the birth Brave women will choose not to do this after completing school or returning to work; brave women have the courage to break their illusions of optimism and seek help.
Brave is also a muscle and needs to be trained. Sajani has proposed up to 15 strategies to help people train.
List a few suggestions that you can take right away. Let ’s start with daily practice and be brave. Use the Brave Perspective as a starting point for thinking.
A Give yourself room to grow and express it differently:
When you are used to saying “I can’t,” “I can’t,” change it to “I’m not brave enough, but …”
Carroll Devek calls this “accepting unsuccessful forces,” in stark contrast to rigid thinking. This small shift in thinking can have a huge impact, especially when redefining mistakes. You are not “unsuccessful”, you are simply “not yet successful”. When you look at it this way, mistakes do n’t necessarily become a visible sign of permanent restrictions; they are only temporary setbacks; less perfect attempts do n’t necessarily stop the story. Instead, you can put “I do Smashed “said” Okay, I’ve tried it, now try something else “.
B Use the power of “don’t regret yourself”
Psychologist Adam Grant believes that spiritual time travel can help you get rid of the direct consequences of adventure and allow you to think from a different angle: What do I value more? Is it the pain of failing now, or the pain that may arise in the future?
Fear of regret is a powerful motivation.
What makes a person go from brewing a great idea to putting it into practice? The point is that the client’s fear of failure is replaced by the fear of failure to try. Only then can he change. He will only act if he realizes that, although he may fail, it is better than not trying.
C empathy
When you face a “terrible” challenge or opportunity and are thinking about what to do, you can ask yourself what advice you would give to others in this situation. If this is a rare and worthwhile opportunity, then you should let yourself be accepted objectively and rationally, and try to take a step forward.
D Actively pursue critical opinions
The key to this strategy is not just to endure criticism, but to actively seek criticism from everyone at any time, anywhere, especially when you don’t want to hear it.
Courage to accept criticism is one of the four key factors in developing courage.
– “determination” Author: Angela Duckworth
E habit is rejected
Men are not controlled by failure, because they learn to shake off failure and move on. The failures and rejections they experience often leave most women with envy. The way we embrace the “perfect girl” keeps us safe and safe from the pain of rejection and failure. But as everyone knows, this also weakens our ability to resist frustration as an adult. The way to reshape our ability to resist frustration and get rid of the pain of rejection and failure is to normalize rejection and failure.
Talking about your failures and showing them is also an important way to practice courage.
F try to do what you are not good at
Doing what you are not good at is another way to tolerate imperfection, it can regain the joy of perfect strangulation.
Exploring and trying new things not only brings happiness, it also makes your brain more agile. We can really restructure our brains and our abilities, which in turn raises our awareness of our abilities.
What makes you most afraid, and what you need to try the most.
Interestingly, “Brave but not Perfect” tells not only Sajani’s personal experience and exploration on the way to braveness, but also reflects the key words of “braveness” as a woman’s lifelong growth. , Should be given more reflection, attention and practice.
Girls are shaped by their perfectionism brought about by traditional parenting methods, which have profoundly affected their long lives: they are used to blame; they are difficult to “see” and truly recognize their own heart Progress and achievement; fear of frustration, risk taking, and fear of failure.
What’s more interesting is that women often have mutual jealousy and jealousy. They can’t support each other in the workplace. They prefer to be subordinate to men, mostly because they lack courage and burden.There is not enough room for everyone at the top of the heart. Behind this is the direct response to lack of courage and lack of deep confidence.
When each woman can support more other women, believe that she and other women are equally wise, confident, and valuable, and have higher achievements, faster development in family, marriage, and career, and have the mind to accommodate others We can benefit from this courage and self-confidence because of our excellence and success-because supporting other women’s development is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Courage creation, construction, and self-cultivation will also be a compulsory course for every girl’s life journey. When we are no longer used to comparing ourselves bluntly with “her”, when we compare ourselves with “others”, and when we compare partners, children with others, we will eventually find The real answers to these questions-
Courage gives us deep motivation, and gives us deep freedom, confidence and freedom! Bravery and generosity interweave, and finally give us the courage to take a big step in an imperfect world! 
Men are willing to accept challenges, whether they are well prepared or not.
At the age of 33, Sajani decided to run for public office and made the best preparations. However, he finally lost because of lack of “public office experience”.
As an Indian immigrant, she has always lived up to her parents’ expectations. Look at herCV:
Yale Law School-Top 5 Law Firms in the U.S. + Top Financial Asset Management Companies.
After a long recovery period after the failure of the election, she chose to start the non-profit organization “Programming Girl” to help girls learn to program and develop abilities in the real science and engineering field. Sajani believes that if it wasn’t for visiting the various places during the election and finding that girls were almost completely absent from this emerging and rising discipline in programming, she would not choose to start a business and find her life mission.
Progressiveness and bravery are not necessarily the same-after being rejected by Yale Law School three times, it is not bravery that drives me to this prestigious school, but the motivation to focus on creating a perfect personal resume. When I was a little girl, I focused on being the best person. Every step I took was to make myself look smart and competent. Before 2010, none of the choices I made were courageous-for one reason, and very simple: there was no danger to them at all. Participating in elections was the first time I had left the script of life to do what I really cared about in a very personal way. This was the first time I took the initiative, even if I didn’t have 100% confidence to win.
Because we are good at bringing security and comfort, we desire to stay in a comfort zone for a long time.
“Glass ceilings (intangible barriers that limit women’s promotion to higher vocations) and dual constraints are limiting factors for women’s promotion, but I think that the way we cultivate the perfect girl is also leading to women’s leadership positions in business, government and other sectors An important reason for not being fully represented on the Internet. “
Women can live their wonderful life and gain lasting professional achievements. A very high threshold is whether you have the ability to exchange blood and renew yourself, go out of your comfort zone, and continue to shape and refine new strange fields. Ability. This point is also mentioned in Marshall Goldsmith’s “What got you here won’t get you there”:
With the rise of positions and responsibilities, what you were best at before is often not the thing you need to do in a new position. If you repeat the original behavior, you may ignore the big picture. Without developing new abilities, they may also lose the bad reputation of “controlling everything” with their subordinates.
Marshall Goldsmith 2007
The brave first step out of the comfort zone also means that we may find new opportunities in life and the second curve of our career. Sajani believes that this is not only in career, but even in multiple dimensions of interpersonal relationships and life happiness, helping us find ourselves, rediscovering the meaning of life, and being able to enjoy and confirm our present moment.Satisfaction-
We stay too long in professions we don’t like, just because we are good at it. Even when we wake up and realize that our profession, relationships, or life is not what we want, the thought of making changes can scare us. This is partly because we see change as a sign of failure, and partly because it means we may need to leave our comfort zone and start over.
3, How do we cultivate bravery? Train your brave muscles to stay strong
Courage is the strong look of all women: they choose a life path or partner that their families do not agree with, and they raise their children by themselves; or they respect their inner voice and decide not to have children for life; brave women return after the birth Brave women will choose not to do this after completing school or returning to work; brave women have the courage to break their illusions of optimism and seek help.
Brave is also a muscle and needs to be trained. Sajani has proposed up to 15 strategies to help people train.
List a few suggestions that you can take right away. Let ’s start with daily practice and be brave. Use the Brave Perspective as a starting point for thinking.
A Give yourself room to grow and express it differently:
When you are used to saying “I can’t,” “I can’t,” change it to “I’m not brave enough, but …”
Carroll Devek calls this “accepting unsuccessful forces,” in stark contrast to rigid thinking. This small shift in thinking can have a huge impact, especially when redefining mistakes. You are not “unsuccessful”, you are simply “not yet successful”. When you look at it this way, mistakes do n’t necessarily become a visible sign of permanent restrictions; they are only temporary setbacks; less perfect attempts do n’t necessarily stop the story. Instead, you can put “I do Smashed “said” Okay, I’ve tried it, now try something else “.
B Use the power of “don’t regret yourself”
Psychologist Adam Grant believes that spiritual time travel can help you get rid of the direct consequences of adventure and allow you to think from a different angle: What do I value more? Is it the pain of failing now, or the pain that may arise in the future?
Fear of regret is a powerful motivation.
What makes a person go from brewing a great idea to putting it into practice? The point is that the client’s fear of failure is replaced by the fear of failure to try. Only then can he change. He will only act if he realizes that, although he may fail, it is better than not trying.
C empathy
When you face a “terrible” challenge or opportunity and are thinking about what to do, you can ask yourself what advice you would give to others in this situation. If this is a rare and worthwhile opportunity, then you should let yourself be accepted objectively and rationally, and try to take a step forward.
D Actively pursue critical opinions
The key to this strategy is not just to endure criticism, but to actively seek criticism from everyone at any time, anywhere, especially when you don’t want to hear it.
Courage to accept criticism is one of the four key factors in developing courage.
– “determination” Author: Angela Duckworth
E habit is rejected
Men are not controlled by failure, because they learn to shake off failure and move on. The failures and rejections they experience often leave most women with envy. The way we embrace the “perfect girl” keeps us safe and safe from the pain of rejection and failure. But as everyone knows, this also weakens our ability to resist frustration as an adult. The way to reshape our ability to resist frustration and get rid of the pain of rejection and failure is to normalize rejection and failure.
Talking about your failures and showing them is also an important way to practice courage.
F try to do what you are not good at
Doing what you are not good at is another way to tolerate imperfection, it can regain the joy of perfect strangulation.
Exploring and trying new things not only brings happiness, it also makes your brain more agile. We can really restructure our brains and our abilities, which in turn raises our awareness of our abilities.
What makes you most afraid, and what you need to try the most.
Interestingly, “Brave but not Perfect” tells not only Sajani’s personal experience and exploration on the way to braveness, but also reflects the key words of “braveness” as a woman’s lifelong growth. , Should be given more reflection, attention and practice.
Girls are shaped by their perfectionism brought about by traditional parenting methods, which have profoundly affected their long lives: they are used to blame; they are difficult to “see” and truly recognize their own heart Progress and achievement; fear of frustration, risk taking, and fear of failure.
What’s more interesting is that women often have mutual jealousy and jealousy. They can’t support each other in the workplace. They prefer to be subordinate to men, mostly because they lack courage and burden.There is not enough room for everyone at the top of the heart. Behind this is the direct response to lack of courage and lack of deep confidence.
When each woman can support more other women, believe that she and other women are equally wise, confident, and valuable, and have higher achievements, faster development in family, marriage, and career, and have the mind to accommodate others We can benefit from this courage and self-confidence because of our excellence and success-because supporting other women’s development is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Courage creation, construction, and self-cultivation will also be a compulsory course for every girl’s life journey. When we are no longer used to comparing ourselves bluntly with “her”, when we compare ourselves with “others”, and when we compare partners, children with others, we will eventually find The real answers to these questions-
Courage gives us deep motivation, and gives us deep freedom, confidence and freedom! Bravery and generosity interweave, and finally give us the courage to take a big step in an imperfect world!