Change begins with the expression of emotional feelings.
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Editor’s note: Our language hides many of its secrets in layers. So, what does language have to do with emotions? This article strips the superficial relationship between language and emotion from the perspective of psycholinguistics, narrates the hazards of “no longer expressing true emotional feelings” summarized by the author for many years in clinical practice, and provides several tips for improving “emotional language”. This article is compiled from nickwignall.com, the author is the site owner, clinical psychologist and author Nick Wignall (Nick Wignall), the original title “The Dangers of Intellectualized Emotions”.
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When was the last time you said “I’m so sad” or “I’m angry”? If you are similar to me, it may not be the most recent. It is probably the time for elementary school. In our culture, we tend to avoid using plain language to describe our emotions. When someone asks us how we feel, it’s strange to say “I’m sad”. It sounds too naive and simple. On the contrary, we will say something more adult, such as “I am a little uncomfortable”, or “I am a little bit distracted”, or “I am a little anxious “. However, these adult expressions do not describe our emotions, but our habit of using these expressions makes us think that we are describing our emotions, In fact, we are simply doing the opposite thing-hiding our emotions.
Masking emotions
“Unhappy”, “Energetic split” or “anxiety” sounds like emotions, but in fact, they are all masked emotions, which are expressions used by our brains, not to clarify our feelings, but To blur our feelings. In decades of repeated repetitions, these words have gathered strength, become habits and domination, so that most people do not even realize their existence. I put these more refined and adult emotions The expression is called “intellectualized emotions”.
For an example. Suppose your spouse has misplaced the dinner plate again. After the meal, TA noticed your strangeness, so TA asked you what happened. You could have directly told TA “I’m angry because you put the wrong plate again”, but most people don’t say that, we either directly denied it, saying “nothing” or “I’m fine”, or Expressed in an “intelligent mood”, saying “I’m annoying”, “I’m a little uncomfortable” or “Why didn’t you listen to me again”. In in these three answers, we have turned the fiery emotion of anger into a slightly cold thought that is uncomfortable.
This distinction is subtle, but important. When our emotions are affected, most people do not directly describe emotions, but use a more vague, abstract and intellectual language to express their feelings. The reason why we developed this mental-language habit is due to many reasons: from family communication methods to cultural norms and norms. Is the influencing factor. But one of the most important reasons is the fragility of the heart and the unwillingness to describe feelings directly. Somehow, saying “I’m sad” is much more uncomfortable and difficult than “I’m a little bit uncomfortable”. In order to avoid this kind of emotional fragility and discomfort, we intellectualized our emotions in order to stay away from it.
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Intelligent emotions are achieved through two language habits:
Summary language: Summary language refers to some general words that cover many emotions. If you are “fired”, there will be many feelings circling in your mind, such as madness, fear, disappointment, confusion, loss, etc. When we pass these emotions with “unhappy” strokes, you will not feel so crazy. General language is like a clutter storage box on the level of psycholinguistics: there are too many clutter, I do n’t know how to deal with it? Put them together in a box and throw them under the bed. After that, you will feel much better. Common summary languages include “stressful”, “feels a little weird”, “uncomfortable”, “very good”, “OK”, “very broken”, “somewhat bad” and so on.
Metaphor: “ I split my energy a bit” is actually a good metaphor to describe that there are too many things to do in our lives. We all have this kind of experience, only a little butter, but we need to use it to wipe the whole piece of toast. Although metaphors are very vivid, they are also vague. Let us pretend that we have said something perfectly, but in fact have not said anything. The ambiguity and interpretability of metaphor is an advantage in poetry and novel writing, but it is a problem for our emotional health, because just like general language, it hides our true feelings. Everyone knows what it means to “divide energy too much”, but it is really ambiguous.
What’s wrong with intelligent emotions? After all, it can help me avoid pain.
In a few cases, I think there is no problem. For example, the little brother of the dry cleaners does not need to know that you have quarreled with your sister-in-law on Christmas Eve. You feel guilty about these specific details. So, when he asks you how Christmas is going, you just go back to him, “It’s not bad …”
The problem is to avoid the habit of using straightforward and concrete language to describe our feelings. Like other habits, its power is its harm. The ability to automate decision-making and develop daily routines allows us to be more efficient and have the energy to do other things. If everyone expresses the true feelings of each interaction every day, then evenNothing can be done. A little emotional repression can make society work well. But if emotional suppression and concealment become a deep-rooted habit that we cannot stop at all, then this habit makes us rigid and inflexible. When we are used to no longer telling our feelings to others in straightforward language, and waiting for a straightforward description, everything is difficult. Intellectualized emotions have problems in several ways.
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In my opinion, intellectualized emotions can bring three subtle but powerful health hazards:
Hazard 1: Unclear emotions
I have always been a witness to intellectualized emotional harm, and my clients are struggling with different mental health issues. Like most people, they also have extremely intractable intellectualized habits and do not realize that they are doing this-avoid using straightforward language to describe their feelings. Unfortunately, it is precisely this habit that makes it difficult for them to open their hearts in treatment, which is the prerequisite for the effectiveness of psychotherapy.
Over the past few months, have you experienced anxiety attacks? But if you can’t talk about your fears, coping with anxiety will be extremely difficult. Or, have you been depressed in the past year? You are likely to be angry, sad, and guilty. These will require you to deal with it and face it openly. Or, you always quarrel with your partner? You need effective communication—especially for feelings—which will be an integral part of the solution. In short, If you do n’t know how you feel, you ca n’t manage your emotions effectively.
Hazard 2: Poor self-awareness
Although most people may be spared from mental illness, we want to improve ourselves: we want to be more motivated and passionate in our work, we want to be more closely connected with our family, we want to be less picky and more friends A little encouragement, etc. But just like getting lost in the jungle, if we don’t know where we are, it is difficult to reach the end. Similarly, if we don’t know our true feelings from the beginning, it will be difficult for us to change our feelings.
The second hazard of intellectualized emotions is that because we avoid talking about our feelings specifically, we also avoid thinking about our feelings carefully. After a long time, we don’t know our true feelings. Like many skills—speaking Chinese, playing the cello, lifting weights—if you do n’t practice, your ability will deteriorate. Emotional life is the same. The habit of intellectualizing emotions will give us the impression of stick figures in our own feelings-either stressful or okay-but these words simply cannot accurately describe the complex and subtle emotional life of human beings. Only when we rebuild the habit of describing our own feelings straightforwardly can we change our feelings. No longer use metaphors or general words, but describe emotions directly.
Hazard 3: Isolation and alienation
The last harm of intellectualized emotion is that it will isolate us. One of the main ways for humans to establish contact with each other is to show their vulnerability to others and share their secrets. Think about what your good friends or siblings know about you. Not because they have a good relationship, they only knew these things; but because they knew these things, your relationship is better. And, it was you who told them that they knew these things.
Although it is uncomfortable and even painful to tell your own feelings, it is this way that gives us a human touch and can be close to people. No one wants to be friends with people who have always been “good”. We all want to be friends with people, not robots. However, if we are too afraid or do n’t like to share our feelings with others, we will become lonely, lonely and even worse. This cycle is not easy to break.
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How to stop intellectualizing your emotions?
The following suggestions will help you start the change of emotional language, let you move from an intelligent, general language to a straightforward and specific description:
Be conscious. First of all, you need to find and pay attention to your commonly used intellectual language. If you are not sure what they are, ask your partner, family member or colleague who has a good relationship. Do you always say you are “stressful”? Or “very good” or “depression”. Remember, “depression” is a diagnosis, not an emotion.
Be prepared. If we want to eat healthier, it is not enough to resist unhealthy food; we also need to store some healthy food at home. Similarly, if we want to describe our feelings more directly, we also need to prepare some good other options in advance. Try this trick: search for “emotions list” (emotions list), print it out and carry it with you. Once you find that you are using a certain emotional expression, take it out and find a more appropriate word. With more practice, you can remember and use real emotion expressions more easily.
Uncomfortable. The biggest reason we do n’t use straightforward language to describe our feelings is because we worry that it will make us or others uncomfortable. We worry that if we admit that we are sad, we will fall into depression; if we say our anger, we will make our partner feel guilty. In other words, the reason why we intellectualize emotions is because we are afraid of them and their consequences. But while emotions can make people uncomfortable, they are not dangerous in themselves—no one dies from guilt or is depressed by sadness. In fact, there is ample evidence that it is precisely the avoidance of grief that triggers depression. In any case, to overcome the fear of our emotions, we need to feel them voluntarily and increase our mental resilience. You can start with small things: do n’t tell your partner that you are “just a little tired” and explain clearly, “I ’m angry because you …”
Summary
Use straightforward and clear language to describe yourselfFeelings can make people feel scared and uncomfortable. It is to avoid this discomfort that we all tend to intellectualize our emotions-we use less intense terms such as “discomfort” or “stress” to cover up real emotions such as sadness or fear. Even if it is done naturally, sometimes it is even useful, but once it becomes an unconscious habit and our “standard operating procedure”, it will be very harmful , Including getting you into mental health problems, difficulty in achieving your personal development goals, and difficulty in getting out of the cycle of loneliness. However, we can take a small step —— change, Start with emotional language . By consciously choosing words that describe real feelings, we will take the first step to make our emotional feelings clearer.
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Translator: Shen Chenye Cher