Vulnerability is actually the foundation of interpersonal relationships.
Editor’s note: This article comes from the WeChat public account “Harvard Business Review” (ID: hbrchinese) , Author Emma Seppälä.
Little Buddha said
We often think that it is inappropriate to show a confident and capable image at work. We are afraid of others discovering what we really look like or some of our weaknesses. As everyone knows, this will make us appear extremely dishonest, and vulnerability is actually the foundation of interpersonal relationships. Today ’s article is to tell you, be yourself. Especially in an environment where the current crisis is not completely over, do n’t be scrupulous when the performance is fragile, you will find that everything will be different.
One morning, in Bangalore, southern India, Archana Patchirajan, the founder of a technology startup, called all his staff to a meeting. After everyone sat down, she announced a message: the company ran out of funds and everyone had to leave because she could no longer pay their salary.
Her team of engineers is of high quality and she can find a job in the prosperous city of Bangalore, which is called the “Silicon Valley of India”, but to her surprise, everyone refuses to leave. They said they would rather halve their salary than leave her company. In this way, they stayed and continued to work hard. A few years later, the Internet advertising company Hubbl of Achana was acquired, and the transaction price was 14 million US dollars. Today, Achana, who is in the United States, is still starting a business, and her employees continue to work for her despite being thousands of miles away from her.
Why are Axana ’s employees so close and loyal to her?
Her story is unusual; after all, you have to take into account the shocking fact that 70% of employees are “lack of engagement” or “very disrespectful” at work; because of this, they are Work “lacks emotional connection” and “is more likely to become inefficient.” Why didn’t Achana let the employees show this phenomenon, but reversed the situation?
I asked one of Achana ’s oldest employees, what kept him and other employees in the company? The following isSome reasons he shared:
“We work like a family because she treats us this way.”
“She knows everyone in the office and has a good relationship with everyone.”
“When we make mistakes, she will not only be angry, but will also give us time to learn how to analyze and solve problems.”
These statements show that the relationship between Achana and employees is deeper than that between ordinary employers and employees. Simply put, she appears vulnerable and sincere in front of employees. She shared her concerns frankly with her employees when the company was at a low ebb; she would not strictly abide by the hierarchy, but would treat them as family members and build relationships with everyone.
Does this approach sound overly hypocritical, difficult, or counter-intuitive? Actually it is not:
In order to find the root of social relations, social relations expert Brené Brown conducted thousands of interviews and conducted a thorough analysis of the data. The results show that the root cause is vulnerability. “Vulnerability” here does not mean weakness and obedience; it refers to courage to be yourself. A fragile person will replace “professional distance and calm attitude” with uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.
Every day we encounter opportunities to perform vulnerable at work. She describes what vulnerability is through these examples: calling and greeting when the child of an employee or colleague is sick; providing help when someone loses a loved one; asking for help from others; taking responsibility for work mistakes; Colleagues or employees by the bed.
More importantly, in Brown ’s opinion, vulnerability and sincerity are the foundation of interpersonal relationships. However, many workplaces seriously lack interpersonal connections. Johann Berlin, CEO of TLEX Academy, recalled that he once gave a lecture in a Fortune 100 company, and the participants were all executives.
In one of the activities, the participants were divided into groups of two, and they wanted to share with each other something that happened in their lives. This activity obviously moved a senior executive, so he told John: “I have worked with this colleague for more than 25 years, but I never knew he had trouble in life.” After a short period of sincere exchange Since then, the manager has deepened his understanding and understanding of his colleagues, which has not been achieved for decades.
Why are interpersonal relationships missing at work? As leaders and employees, we are always told to keep our distance and to show a certain image-a confident, capable and authoritative image. We can close the door at night and act vulnerable in front of our spouse or friends, but we must not do this during the day or on other occasions, let alone work.
However, some data indicate that we may have to reconsider a certain image. Research shows that bystanders will detect a lack of sincerity subconsciously. We only need to look at a person to get a lot of information about that person.
Paula Niedenthal, a psychology professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, said: “We are born to observe each other’s state in order to interact appropriately, sympathize, or persevere according to the circumstances. Boundary. “It is our instinct to interpret the subtleties of each other ’s expressions. This process is called “resonance”; it is both automatic and rapid, so it often happens in the subconscious mind.
Some parts of our brain, like a sensitive sound board, can respond to the behavior and feelings of others inwardly. You only need to look at someone to feel their emotions; you resonate with them inwardly. When you see other people wrestling, do you feel a sudden pain for them? Studies have shown that when you observe them, the “pain areas” in your brain are activated.
When you see one person helping another person, will you be touched? You indirectly experience the help of others, so your emotions are sublimated. Research by Ulf Dimberg of Uppsala University in Sweden has shown that the smiles of others activate the smile muscles on our faces, while the frowns of others activate our frown muscles. We will detect the emotions of others in our hearts. Therefore, when others are pretending to smile, we are more likely to feel uncomfortable.
We may try to be perfect, strong, or intelligent in order to gain the respect of others, but pretending is often counterproductive. Paula Needan’s research shows that the resonance between people is too deep, so that we can not ignore the performance of insincerity. Think about it: Do you feel uncomfortable when you feel that someone is “pretending” or “playing in a scene”?
We often see through them, so we do n’t feel connected with them. Or, when you know someone is not happy, and ask the other person “What’s wrong?”, But the other party tries to hide the true emotions with a “Nothing”. This answerThe reason why we cannot be satisfied is because we feel that the answer is not true.
Our brain naturally captures the most subtle cues, so even if our consciousness is not aware of these cues, our bodies will also produce some reactions. For example: The research of James Gross at Stanford University shows that when an angry person holds emotions in his heart, even if we do n’t know that they are angry (after all, they do n’t look angry), we The blood pressure will still rise.
When we are faced with a sincere and vulnerable person, the reason why we feel more at ease is because we are particularly sensitive to the signs that leaders can be trusted. For example, a servant leader will make employees ‘behavior more positive and constructive through honesty and values, and make employees more confident in leaders and organizations; while employees’ trust in leaders Coming over will also improve employee performance.
This phenomenon is also observed in the brain. When employees recall a boss who resonates with themselves, the parts of their brains that are related to positive emotions and social connections are activated; when they think of a boss who does not resonate with themselves, they are activated with Negative emotions are related to social isolation.
One of the manifestations of sincerity and vulnerability is tolerance. Tolerating a person does not mean that you have tolerated each other’s mistakes, but that you are patiently encouraging each other to grow. “When we make mistakes, not only will she not be angry, but she will also give us time to learn how to analyze and solve problems”-this statement by Achana’s employees describes tolerance.
Although “tolerance” is a soft-sounding vocabulary, Kim Cameron, a researcher at the University of Michigan, pointed out that tolerance has a powerful effect: creating a culture of tolerance can not only improve the efficiency of organizational employees, but also Can reduce employee turnover rate. It can also be seen from this phenomenon that a culture of tolerance can foster trust; with such a culture, organizations will become more resilient when they encounter pressure or layoffs.
Why are we afraid of vulnerability? Why do we think it is inappropriate to be vulnerable at work? First of all, we are afraid that others will discover what we really look like or one of our weaknesses, for fear that we will be used. However, I also mentioned in the article “Hard Data for Good Bosses” that the idea of ”being kind to others will make you fail” is too old.
If you take a sincere and vulnerable posture, your employees will treat you as a person; they will feel the sameYou are closer; they will want to share suggestions; if your company uses a hierarchy, you will also find that your team feels flatter. Such a change may make people feel uncomfortable, but you will find that it is worth making the change, just like Achana’s situation.
Building a more intimate relationship with employees will also give you additional benefits. A Stanford University study showed that every CEO is looking for more advice, but 2/3 of the CEOs get no advice. Their isolation will not only cause their perspective to be distorted, but may also lead them to make leadership decisions that are detrimental to the organization. Who can provide advice better than your own employees? After all, they are very familiar with the problems in your products, customers and organization.
Your team will not feel that they are just a nail in the system; instead, they will become more loyal because they give opinions and gain the respect of others. Studies have shown that the sense of connection and happiness employees get from work can cultivate loyalty better than salary.
Keywords: self-management of leadership
Emma Seppälä | text
Dr. Emma Separa is the author of “The Happiness Track”, co-director of the Yale University Emotional Intelligence Project and head of the female leadership department at the Yale School of Management. She is also the scientific director of the Stanford University Compassion and Altruism Research and Education Center.