People who are emotionally stable are willing to face an uncertain future and accept its original face
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Editor’s note: Many people actually ignore the influence of acquired mental habits on mood. Our emotions are largely controlled by our habits, but the good news is that we can make our emotions more stable by identifying and eliminating harmful psychological habits. In other words, this requires us to do n’t take it for granted, do n’t evaluate yourself based on feelings and realize that Not everything makes sense, let alone try Control everything, also Make decisions based on values rather than feelings. This article is translated from medium, author Nick Wignall, original title 5 Things Emotionally Stable People Do n’t Do.
Image source: Spencer Russell on Unsplash
It is generally believed that some people are naturally emotional, while others have a more peaceful temperament.
Although genes may affect our emotions, most people do not realize that to a greater extent, it is your habits that determine your emotions, especially your psychological habits.
As a psychologist, I deal with emotionally unstable people every day:
They are lost in the whirlpool of anxiety and anxiety.
They will fall into depression and depression.
They will be angry and frustrated with little stress or difficulty.
But in my experience, it is a series of subtle and powerful psychological habits that cause all these emotional instability. Usually, these habits have been learned and strengthened in childhood long ago, and have never been forgotten.
Fortunately, anyone can learn to make their emotions more stable. The key is to identify and eliminate these harmful psychological habits, which can cause excessive emotional pain.
Abandon these 5 habits, you will find that your emotions will become more stable than you think, and you can face all emotions without being overwhelmed by them.
1. Believe everything you want
You have an idea, which is good, but it does not mean that it is real.
As human beings, one of our greatest strengths is our ability to think rationally and creatively. Without it, we would not have Beethoven’s sonatas, effective organizational order, Charles Dickens’ novels, or polio diagnosis and treatment.
However, not only hundreds of interesting, creative, and even genius ideas will be generated in our minds, but also hundreds of silly, irrational, or even meaningless Strange idea.
For example: 2 + 2 = 5.
If you read this sentence, “2 + 2 = 5” will appear in your mind. But you will never think it is correct.
Of course, our brains produce more than just irrational ideas: the brain is also capable of generating evil ideas that are actually not helpful or even downright. For example, some of us were able to take our own The same kind is sent to the concentration camp.
The point is that your ideas are not true in nature and do not help. The forced assumption that they are real brings emotional pain.
When you think that every idea in your head is true, you will end up thinking more:
If you suddenly think of your spouse dying in a car accident on the way home from get off work, then you believe that all your habits of thinking will cause a lot of excessive anxiety.
If a colleague ’s irrational judgment suddenly appearsIn your mind, you believe that the habit of all your thoughts will lead to a lot of excessive depression and possible rude behavior.
If you suddenly think of a mistake you made recently, and thus fall into a vicious circle of self-criticism, you believe that all your habits of thinking will lead to excessive guilt and shame.
Excessive thinking is the source of most emotional pain. Tell yourself that all your ideas are not necessarily true, and you will not think too much.
Do n’t believe all your thoughts. Sometimes ideas are ideas.
—— Allan Lokos
2. Judge yourself based on your feelings
It does n’t make sense to judge yourself by things you ca n’t control, especially your emotions.
As far as I know, no legal system in the world will sentence someone to jail because they are angry. No matter how angry a person feels, as a society, we judge people based only on their behavior.
The reason is simple: it does n’t make sense to judge a person by something he ca n’t control. You cannot directly control your feelings, you cannot reduce your sorrow as you please, just as you cannot increase your happiness as you please.
But human nature is so weird. When things involve others, we all seem reasonable, and when we involve ourselves, it seems that it is not so easy to pass:
When people feel anxious, we sympathize with them, but when we start to feel nervous, we tell ourselves that we are vulnerable.
We understand those friends who are frustrated or sad, but we tell ourselves to “endure”, “Do n’t be so lazy again!”
This is quite ironic:
When your friends feel bad, you will sympathize with them, but when you start to feel pain, you will criticize yourself.
The problem with judging yourself by feeling is that it adds a layer of pain to the pain you already feel:
When you are sad because of sadness, now you will feel sad and ashamed.
When you are worried that you will be angry, you will feel anxiousconsider.
When you criticize yourself for fear, you will feel depressed and exacerbate fear.
It ’s bad enough to feel bad, but you ca n’t feel bad because you feel bad.
If you want to get rid of the habit of criticizing yourself because of your feelings, then learn to give yourself a little sympathy.
Be curious and do n’t judge.
—— Walt Whitman
3. Need to find meaning in everything
Finding meaning in everything is often a defense mechanism against fear of uncertainty.
It is human nature to hate uncertainty. From what color shoes to buy to a promise to get married, our decisions almost always have some uncertainties and some anxiety.
But for some people—especially those who grew up in chaotic or extremely unpredictable environments—they have learned to treat uncertainty as a danger and avoid uncertainty at all costs. A common way to avoid uncertainty anxiety is to interpret the meaning of everything.
By telling ourselves that everything makes sense, we give ourselves an illusion of certainty.
But if you continue to rely on meaning creation to ease the anxiety caused by uncertainty, your tolerance for uncertainty will become weaker and weaker.
At some point, you will find that you have to face the cruel reality, you will find that you have to face the inevitable uncertainty:
Maybe a close friend passed away when he was young because of “no valid reason”.
Maybe you were fired for “no good reason”
Maybe your partner left you because of “no good reason”.
When the uncertainty becomes large enough, by conceiving a story to convince yourself that something has meaning, it will eventually become meaningless. If you do not bear the emotional power of uncertainty, your emotions and emotions will suffer a profound blow. The results often lead you to depression and severe anxiety.
Emotionally stable people are willing to face an uncertain future and accept their true colors.
Try to accept uncertainty from the small side, so that when uncertainty comes from the large side, you can deal with it confidently-just as it will always happen in the end.
Wisdom is the art of knowing what to ignore.
—— William James
4. Trying to control everything
Control problems usually stem from insecurity and a manifestation of fear of helplessness.
It ’s like the need to find meaning everywhere is the signal that you are afraid of uncertainty, and the need to control everything is the signal that you are afraid of feeling helpless.
The problem is that you are helpless in most cases. This is the essence of life, we cannot control everything we want to control:
You ca n’t control whether your best friend smokes less every day.
You cannot control whether your boss thinks you are smart.
You cannot control whether your partner is stressed at the end of the day.
Your energy and influence in life are limited.
You can try to influence others in the way you think best, but taking responsibility for the results is wrong.
When your subconscious thinks that you should be able to control the outcome of everything, you will have unrealistically high expectations for yourself. These expectations will inevitably be difficult to achieve, resulting in huge fluctuations in your emotions:
When your best friend tells you he wants to quit smoking, it turns out that you stumbled upon him that he was smoking, which made you feel depressed and disappointed.
After you gave a self-feeling speech, your boss gave you a bunch of negative feedback, which made you feel ashamed and self-doubt.
Your partner feels a lot of pressure after returning home, although you called to confirm the situation at lunch that day, which made you very angry.
It is normal to remind ourselves that we are helpless. Sometimes we are helpless. In the long run, living in denial is not good for anyone—at least not for yourself.
Reducing your expectations to a realistic level does not mean you do n’t care. This means you have to be honest with yourself.
Finally, humblely accept the facts that you cannot control. Do your best, but don’t pretend that you are a fairy.
A rational person can find peace by cultivating an indifferent attitude towards things that they cannot control.
—— Naval
When you are worried, it ’s much better to seek comfort from your friends. But in the long run, you are telling your brain that you have no ability to deal with your anxiety. This will erode your confidence and make you anxious for a long time.
When arguing with your partner, those ironic words will make you feel good. But in the long run, you are destroying trust and stability in your relationship.
Because you are no longer motivated, you are lying on the bed and you feel much better now. But in the long run, you are hurting your self-esteem because you are telling your brain not to believe that you can fulfill your commitment to yourself.
This is not to say that emotions and feelings are bad or always misleading, sometimes they are very useful!
But it ’s definitely not a wise choice to treat your feelings as a creed: the fact is that our emotions often conflict directly with our values.
If you want to be more emotionally mature, you must learn to make your feelings obey your values.
The best way to do this is to constantly remind yourself of these values and wishes:
I care about comfortable bed life, or do I strive to achieve my target weight and maintain health and vitality?
I am concerned about feeling less anxious or becoming a confident person now?
What do I care about is right or wrong, or a good relationship with a spouse?
You can make decisions based on your feelings or values. Make a wise choice.
Between the stimulus and the response, we choose the maneuver.
—— Viktor Frankl
Written at the end
Everyone experiences painful emotions. Being a more emotionally stable person means that you can improve your relationship with emotions by cultivating healthy ways:
Do n’t believe everything you think.
Do n’t judge yourself based on your feelings.
Not everything is meaningful.
Give up trying to control everything.
Make decisions based on your values, not your feelings.
Translator: Xitang