In order to prevent Anna’s tragedy from repeating, we need to change our deep-rooted thinking. Here, I provide four steps to help you overcome social phobia.

1. Understanding social phobia

There are several factors that can cause social phobia:

  • Gene susceptibility (a genetically related concept)

  • “Model learning” (that is, if parents have social anxiety, children will treat it as a model, observe and imitate it)

  • Character traits (showing shyness to new and unfamiliar environments)

  • Specific ways of thinking (such as negative self-image, catastrophic interpretation of other people’s behavior, perfectionism, etc.)

  • As a parent, I have excessive desire for control and protection

  • Unpleasant experiences with others (such as being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, etc.)

  • Stressful events (such as bullying, death of relatives, breakup, etc.)

  • This type of state is exacerbated by excessive attention to your physical state (such as blushing)

Usually, one or more of the above factors will contribute to the development of social phobia. Some specific incidents (such as being publicly humiliated) can become the “last straw” for increased social fear. Bullying is a common and specific event that usually occurs in the childhood or youth of the patient. After experiencing unpleasantness during this period, patients usually suppress fear by avoiding social interactions.

A common example is: after a child is ridiculed for giving the wrong answer, he refuses to answer the question again. After being bullied, in some serious cases, children will even refuse to attend class.

However, the consequence of avoiding social interaction is that fear becomes more and more difficult to eliminate. This kind of fear can only be effectively resisted through positive social experience, such as affirming one’s ability in social interaction. If we avoid socializing from the beginning, then there will be no chance to affirm our abilities, and the fear will not be eliminated in the long run.

Currently, there are already some techniques, questions, and exercises that can be used to detect and identify “critical events” that trigger social fear.

2. Re-examine self-criticism

According to calculations, every person has 50,000 ideas in their minds every day. Have you considered distinguishing whether these thoughts are positive or negative? Have you considered the impact of different ideas on your life?

There will be some voice in our hearts, and it may be talking to us all day long. These ideas include “it’s time to go to the grocery store”, used to remind us of daily things; it may also include some negative thoughts, such as “you will not succeed”, to hinder our development.

Usually, this kind of inner self-criticism is very “real”, especially for social phobias. These words often appear in their minds: “If I say something now, will people laugh at me? But if I don’t say anything, people will think I am boring. What should I do now?”

Self-criticism is also usually expressed as “generalization”, such as “No one likes me” or “No one thinks I am interesting.”

Therefore, in order to treat social phobia, an important step is to overcome this kind of self-criticism: Don’t accept this kind of criticism without reservation, and learn to talk to yourself cautiously. Fighting against this negative self-voice and consciously affirming yourself is of great benefit to people with social phobia. Deliberately repeating positive beliefs or thoughts can allow us to re-examine our previous self-criticism and ultimately completely change our thoughts, behaviors and feelings.

People’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are interrelated. If we change our thinking through this self-affirmation, then after a period of time, our behavior and feelings will also change. For people with social phobia, this way of improving self-esteem is usually very effective. As their self-esteem increases, their anxiety will gradually weaken.

This self-affirmation includes but is not limited to:

  • I did this very well.

  • I realize that I am very popular.

  • I dare to be myself more every day.

When this kind of self-affirmation is raised and accepted by myself, the effect is best.

3. Mindfulness

In life, we often have to switch from one scene to another. For example, thinking about work for a while while eating breakfast, or thinking about plans for the evening while working. If we are sincere to ourselves, we will admit that we rarely pay attention to the moment. This lack of concentration can negatively affect our health.

Mindfulness(Mindfulness)As a psychological concept, it is an important step to overcome social fear . Mindfulness means staying in “this time” and “here”-not just physically being here and now, but also mentally focusing on the present.

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Picture from Unsplash｜Photography by Mimi Thian

For people with social phobia, meaningless small talk is helpful even if it won’t help much. An interesting small talk can give a good start to the relationship between two people. If the small talk process is not so smooth, it does not matter, after all, we are just practicing.

Here, I suggest that you gradually increase the difficulty of chatting: the first chat can be limited to greeting strangers, such as saying “the weather is great today” to strangers who are lining up to buy coffee. In the worst case, the other person will be angry because of being interrupted, but in an ideal situation, we can have a short conversation.

If you think this method is effective, you can increase the difficulty of the conversation to “what do I have in common with this stranger” or “what is the shining point of someone I already know”.

Only through constant practice, can it be possible to develop self-confidence in this way, thereby dispelling social fears.

Other ways to overcome social phobia

Social phobia can usually be cured by professional psychotherapy.

A classic therapy is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): The psychotherapist will accompany the patient for several weeks, and in the process of accompanying, understand the source of the patient’s anxiety, when and where it will show up. In these few weeks, build self-confidence through various exercises (including certain exercises in social situations or through role playing).

I hope we can become more confident in social situations.

Translator: Michiko