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Happiness lies in less, not more.

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Editor’s note: From small to large, some habits in our daily life will have a subtle but powerful impact on us. Eliminating some bad habits can make us more able to feel the happiness in life. Happiness lies in less, not in pursuing more. This article is translated from Medium, author Nick Wignall, the original title is “6 Psychological Habits Sabotaging Your Happiness“, I hope to inspire you.

Everyone wants to know what to do to be happier, such as learning more skills to behave in the world. In fact, wanting to be happier does not necessarily mean doing more. As a psychologist, the longer I work, the more I realize that the key to finding happiness is often less, not more. You have to discover the things that make you painful and try your best to eliminate them.

Usually, the things that make us painful are our habits. We fall into a subtle but powerful pattern, perhaps starting from childhood, gnawing day after day, month after month, year after year. Our happiness.

Here are the six most common habits I have seen that destroy our happiness, and some simple ideas on how to eliminate them.

1. Worry about the future, worry about what others think of you

Worry is a mental habit of trying to solve a problem, and the fact is usually that the problem either cannot be solved at all or it is not a problem at all.

It’s easy for us to get caught up in it because we think it’s very productive, as if we are at least doing something. It avoids our most annoying feeling: helplessness.

In other words, when you are worried, you will have an illusion of control.

But the problem is that sometimes we are helpless.

Sometimes things are terrible, painful, terrible and we can’t do anything about it. Yes, terrible things may happen to you or the people you care about in the future. Yes, some people really, really, don’t like you deep down.

To worry about it is to deny reality. This is a requirement that everything is done the way you want. This is an attempt to control something that you simply cannot control. This is an unrealistic expectation.

Worried that nothing can be changed.

But this will cause many people to be anxious.

Try to make yourself more aware of your worrying habit, and then ask yourself:

• Am I effectively solving a real problem, or am I just struggling in my heart?

• What is the effect of my worry?

• What benefit does worrying give me?

Learn to accept the current or possible discomfort, give up the habit of worrying and all the anxiety it brings.

God, please give me peace to accept what I cannot change, give me the courage to change what I can change, and give me the wisdom to distinguish the difference between the two.

——Reinhold Niebuhr (Reinhold Niebuhr)

2. Keep quiet and go with the flow

Most people don’t like conflict. But that’s just because most people don’t realize that there is a good way to deal with conflicts.

Most of us are reluctant to fight back or stand up to defend ourselves because we are afraid of being considered aggressive, aggressive, cunning or rude. Therefore, we default to being passive, receptive, and quiet, usually just “following the flow”-this is usually just a euphemism for being a receiver.

But there is a middle way between being a passive receiver and an aggressive bullying: you can be confident.

Confidence means standing up for your desires, needs, and values. This means asking for what you want in a clear, respectful and honest way and rejecting what you don’t want.

Confidence is a skill that anyone can learn.

The path to self-esteem and self-confidence is decisive, no matter what the situation is, aligning your behavior with your values.

Keeping silent is like a cancer that grows slowly in the soul. It is unwise not to stand up for yourself. You cannot win every battle. However, everyone should at least know what you think. ——Shannon L. Alder. Alder)

3. Isolate yourself when you are down

I always find it weird that my subject will say “I’m sorry” after tearing or crying during the treatment.

Why do you apologize for feeling sad and expressing sadness?

As a therapist, my client’s tears are actually very helpful to me. They show that what we are talking about is important and valuable. This helps me to do my job better, because I can better understand the person opposite me.

But it’s not just in the treatment office.

This is true for all of us.

Significant painful emotions such as sadness, fear, and frustration will signal to people around us that we are struggling inside and need some help or support.

When you are sad, you don’t need coping strategies. What you need is people. You need support. You need someone to give you a hug, listen carefully to your story, and share a cup of Haagen-Dazs with you.

When you hide your pain and isolate yourself, you abandon the strongest support and cut off the people who care about you.

So, when you are in pain, although you may feel that it is natural to hide and isolate yourself, you have to do the opposite. Contact people more, seek support from those around you, and contact friends more.

We are like islands in the sea, separated on the surface, but connected inside. ——William James

4. Try to control your pressure

Regarding chronic stress, the biggest lie we hear is that you need to manage it well.

Why is this a lie?

Stress management is actually a very bad solution to chronic stress problems, because you are already stressed!

Stress management is band-aid, just a temporary treatment.

This is no way, because it will distract you and prevent you from thinking carefully about the real cause of stress, which is your source of stress.

A stressor is something that causes a stress response.

If you often feel stressed, the long-term solution is to fix the source of stress (stress source), not feeling (stress response).

For example:

If you have been under a lot of pressure at work, you can try to do more deep breathing exercises, or spend more time writing a diary, recording the things you are grateful for. Of course, maybe your stress level will temporarily decrease a bit.

But this can’t change the fact that you are still bad at saying “no”. The projects you undertake far exceed your processing capacity.

In other words, feeling stressed at work is your body trying to tell you that your working style is very wrong. Stress management techniques like deep breathing exercises can effectively eliminate stress. But pressure is not the problem. It is the constant source of stress in life that makes you miserable.

The way we look at chronic stress is like an emergency room. No matter what the disease is, the doctor prescribes Tylenol. Of course, some Tylenol may make you feel better. But it did not solve the cause of the pain.

Objectively speaking, traditional stress management techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness are not wrong. The problem is that we are used to thinking about chronic stress only in terms of how we feel (our stress response).

Actually, the more important part of this equation is the source of stress.

So, stop managing your stress and start managing your stressors.

5. Negative self-talk

When everyone talks to themselves, you will constantly comment on everything in your mind, from what shoes to wear, why to wear, to your boss’s secretary’s comment on your new hairstyle view. Talking to ourselves is like each of us has a narrator in our hearts, constantly describing the unfolding stories in our lives.

Unfortunately, many of us either do not understand our self-talk, or have a cruel, negative, and judgmental attitude towards our self-talk.

Think about it:

If you speak to others the way you speak to yourself, you may have no friends and no jobs.

The reason why we have such harsh and negative self-talk is because we were taught when we were young that being “strict” to ourselves can motivate ourselves and is the best way to force ourselves to obey discipline and complete tasks. As the saying goes, be strict with yourself and be lenient to others.

But the truth is that such self-talk is not actually a good source of real motivation.

So, if negative self-talk does not motivate people, what is it for? It has no effect, it will only make you depression, anxiety, long-term guilt, and ultimately despair.

If a person wants to be a strong and happy person, he must stop passively accepting negative and useless thoughts.

——James Allen (James Allen)

6. Believe in your own ideas unconditionally

What is special about your idea? Seriously, why should you be concerned about everything that appears in your mind, Give so much attention and give so much meaning?

Your colleague thinks you are lazy, and this idea suddenly jumped into your mind, so what? Does this make any sense?

• You have an idea, can you prove it is true?

• Does this mean you have social anxiety disorder?

• Is this another sign that you lack self-esteem and need to see a psychologist right away?

Neither.

Maybe they do think you are lazy. But you have thoughts like this, and it will not increase or decrease this possibility.

If every time such thoughts appear in your mind, you give them a lot of attention, put a lot of energy into them, and over-interpret their various deep and important meanings, you are teaching you Your own brain throws more such thoughts at you.

This triggered a vicious circle of chronic intrusive thoughts, and all the anxiety and pain that followed.

Your thoughts are nothing special. If you keep paying attention to negative thoughts, it is actually very harmful. To cultivate healthy skepticism towards one’s own thoughts, learn to let the flow go. You will be happy because of it.

The main reason for unhappiness is never the environment, but your thinking about it. Pay attention to the ideas you are thinking about.

——Eckhart Tolle (Eckhart Tolle)

Summary

The pursuit of happiness and happiness often lies in doing less, not doing more. Try to reduce or eliminate these 6 mental habits, and you will find yourself happier.

• Worry about the future, worry about what others think of you

• Keep quiet and go with the flow

• Isolate yourself when you are down

• Try to control your stress

• Negative self-talk

• Believe your own ideas unconditionally

Translator: Jane

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