Understand the real needs of others.
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Editor’s note: In life and in the workplace, we will inevitably be asked to make some suggestions. Sometimes, you think that good advice is not acceptable to others. Why? Maybe not the proposal itself, but the method has gone wrong. If you want the other person to understand your kindness and listen to your suggestions instead of blaming you, the advice given in this article may be helpful. The article was translated from The New York Times by Anna Goldfarb, originally titled How to Give People Advice They’ll Be Delighted to Take.
Recently, a friend found me with distress and said she was not sure if she should marry her boyfriend. She licked her wet eyes and asked me what she thought she should do. This made me stop. Of course, I think she should get rid of that guy, but I don’t want to put our relationship in danger, in case she still stays with me after I share my point.
Anyone who has provided guidance knows that giving a wonderful suggestion doesn’t necessarily mean someone else will accept it. The suggestion is a gift, although it is tied to the inherent power fluctuations. The attitude of “I know your situation best, you should do this” will make the idea very troublesome.
“Providing expertise is a tricky business,” said Leigh Tost, an associate professor of management and organization at the University of Southern California’s Marshall School of Business. “Accepting someone else’s advice is to agree to their influence.” Sometimes, when people don’t accept advice, they are refusing to be controlled by the proponent.
However, when we see people struggling or suffering, it is understandable to help them, and it feels good to give directions. In fact, according to a study published last year in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, recommendations can enhance an individual’s sense of power.
The researchers identified three factors that determine whether the proposed proposal will be remembered. If the cost of getting advice is high and the task is arduous, people will follow the advice (think: the lawyer explains the contract). If providedThe person who is advised is more experienced and has great confidence in the quality of the recommendations (for example, doctors recommend a treatment) and recommendations are more likely to be adopted. Emotion also plays a role: if the decision maker is convinced of what is going to be done (in any case with a useless boyfriend), or they are angry (when angry, they sent an unwise text message) They are more likely to ignore other people’s suggestions.
So, those caring friends and colleagues—those who are not necessarily experts in our lives but who want to help—what to do? You can interject, but it’s important to be sensitive Handle the problem and put the person looking for help at the center.
“This seems obvious, but surprisingly, people often ignore the need to think about what decision makers want and why they want it,” Dr. Toster said.
There are some other things to keep in mind to make sure that your suggestions to others work, so that you and the person you suggest will be happy with the exchange.
Assessment
Make sure you are indeed asked for advice. As a venting audience and still being asked to participate in the discussion, the two are easily confused. Sometimes people just want to be listened to.
“It’s like people will say ‘I want a solution’, and what they really mean is, ‘I want someone to understand’.” Ask the columnist, “If this is enough?” Heather Havrilesky, author of (what if This are Enough?), said.
Melody Li is a marriage and family therapist in Austin, Texas. She suggested asking “Are you willing to listen to some of my thoughts, or is it not a good time now?” This sentence balances the competitive environment, she said. Be prepared to let the other party reject your offer and respect the other person’s wishes, because if you don’t give in, you will leave an impression of your attempt.
Clearly seek the goals of the proponents. When people seek advice from Austin Kleon, author of Steal Like a Artist, he will analyze and find out the crux of the problem: “You Want to know exactly what I can help you?” In this way, he will not overwhelm each other with irrelevant information.
And Ray recommends repeating what you hear to make sure you grab the core of the problem. Ask what people who seek advice want to see what results, so that your ideas can meet the expectations of the other party. Next, ask what steps have been taken to resolve the issue so that your suggestions are not superfluous.
Consider your qualifications. Dr. Tost said that people often seek advice from people around them, even if family and friends are not always the best candidates and cannot effectively help. Ask yourself: “In this case, do I have the professional skills, experience, or knowledge I need to make useful suggestions?” If you have it, that would be great! Give advice; if you don’t have it, Instead of giving advice that may not help, it is better to find someone who is better able to help him.
“The key is to put the needs and interests of the person you love in the first place.” Dr. Toster said.
Collaboration Solution
Friendly. The discourse has power and can be cured. A recent study found that doctors can help alleviate symptoms if they provide assurance. Therefore, it is important to start making suggestions in the same reassuring tone. Dee C. Marshall, a certified life coach and leadership trainer, will praise him before someone else gives his opinion. She would say, “I really appreciate how you know how to do this and know how to do it.” Praising others’ judgments not only makes people feel good, but also preserves balance.
Share your experience. Marshall said that when advice is to preach, people tend to contradict. Saying “I have experienced it, what I did is” makes it easier to accept. While guiding clients, she also recommends books and tools that might inspire additional ideas: “I am not telling them what to do, but providing them with real resources beyond my capabilities.”
Similarly, Klein’s books and blogs have equally inspiring power: “My style is to share what I have learned all the way. My spirit is, ‘This is useful to me, maybe it is also useful to you. ‘”
Look for signs of physical relaxation. Check facial expressions and body language: for example, eyes and mouth become soft, shoulders droop or exhale. These are all good signs that your suggestion can resonate. Ms. Lei said that even the word “recommendation” sometimes makes people more likable. She tends to use the language “suggestion” and “idea” because it makes people feel more cooperative: “I am working with you, not working for you.”
Support as needed
Determine the demand (repeated). It is unrealistic for people to take action on every one of your suggestions. After discussing a problem and proposing a solution, Marshall asked her client what news best evoked their resonance, and then she allowed them to ignore any inappropriate suggestions she made. Not only does this relieve the pressure of those seeking advice, but they also maintain a positive atmosphere in conversations by focusing at least on one actionable suggestion.
KleinThis is the way to do this. In the preface to Keep Going, he wrote: “The extent of yours may be different, but you only need what you need, and you don’t have to worry about the rest.”
Agree on the next step. Finally, ask what kind of ongoing support is needed (if needed) and what efforts should be avoided. Will the inspection motivate this person? Or will it make people feel overbearing? “There is only one way to know,” Li said. “Take an open mind.” At this level, meet the person seeking advice. Further establish the autonomy of everyone. By setting expectations for the next step and then dealing with the issue as a team, you are more likely to feel encouraged by this meeting when you leave.
Translator: Yoyo_J