Many of us can express our compassion to others, but it becomes difficult if this person is ourselves.

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Editor’s note: It is easy to empathize with others, but it is difficult to empathize with yourself. Haruki Murakami once said in “Norwegian Forest”: “Never sympathize with yourself. It is the work of a mean coward to do it.” It is precisely because most people have this kind of psychology, so when encountering setbacks and failures, many people have to blame themselves, and it is difficult to treat themselves better. But do we really not need to sympathize with ourselves? Quite the opposite. The author of this article, Anisa Purbasari Horton, originally published on FastCompany and the title is: Why you find it so difficult to be nice to yourself

Imagine a good friend coming to you to talk to you about your inner struggles and struggles. They just learned that a close relative was sick, and at the same time, they and their other half suffered another emotional crisis. I’m usually tired from work, and I don’t seem to have time for myself. I was late to meet you today and I forgot to bring my wallet. They hurriedly apologized to you, and began to blame themselves, saying that they did not have such a terrible adult. How would you respond to this? Chances are you will express your sympathy. After all, they have experienced too many things.

But imagine that the friend sitting opposite you is yourself. Do you think you would still sympathize with him? If you are like most people, you may find it difficult.

How is compassion different from self-esteem

Kristin Neff is an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin and is considered one of the world’s top experts on self-compassion. She defines self-compassion as “being kind to us when we feel we are not good enough … to show love and concern, just as we treat friends.” In contrast, Neff said that self-esteem “is a kind of self-worth Judgment. There are problems with self-esteem, because when we fail or make mistakes, we feel bad about ourselves. “

Psychologist Rami NijjaR said that self-esteem is concentrated in severing relationships with others, because the idea that they feel better than those around them is ingrained. On the other hand, based on the pain and struggle we all experience together, self-compassion emphasizes the need to connect with others.

The focus of society is self-esteem

This may sound like a relatively simple concept, but for many of us, being better for ourselves (especially when we experience failure) seems completely impossible. According to Nijjar, one of the reasons is because society has got us used to focusing on self-esteem rather than self-compassion. “As we become more goal-driven and individualistic, we have exhausted ourselves,” Nijjar says, and that’s what encourages an over-focus on self-esteem. “I think, because of self-esteem, we have embarked on a lifestyle that constantly pushes us out of the comfort zone.” But Nijjar said that this is not necessarily a bad thing, but it will send a message to push many of us to chase Things that may not be suitable for us.

But self-compassion actually makes us stronger emotionally, which may sound counterintuitive, but according to Nijjar and Neff, this is exactly what the research shows. Neff said that many people worry that self-compassion will make you lazy and complacent, but in fact, this can increase your motivation. She said, think about how we motivate our children. “Culturally, we always think that if we want our children to perform well, we must use stern means. But through research we now know that if we take an encouraging approach … children are more likely to succeed. If we threaten Children, children will be afraid of failure, anxiety, and undermine their ability to achieve their goals. “

Nijjar said, “When people are connected with people who sympathize with themselves and recognize their strengths and weaknesses, they can better take care of their health and motivate them to go further.” < / p>

Self sympathy can be painful

According to Nijjar, another reason why many people find it difficult to sympathize with yourself is because it forces you to face memories and events that may be painful. “Self-compassion is actually how to get along with ourselves and how to get along with others. When we practice self-compassion, it reminds us when we are not sympathetic to ourselves, or reminds us when others are not sympathetic to us.” / p>

Nijjar says that self-compassion is especially difficult for people who grew up in a family where their parents did not show compassion (to themselves or to those around them). “As people, we understand ourselves through interpersonal relationships. If our parents have problems with mental illness, addiction, or exclusion, they will project their fears and insecurity to the closest people Body. “

According to NijjarIt is said that as a child, you tend to internalize the pressure and negative (or positive) emotions from people around you. Nijjar said: “If you come from an environment where parents are fighting self-compassion, it is more likely that you have a negative belief in self-worth. Only when you start practicing self-compassion can you really go Face your own experience. “

Misunderstanding of self-compassion

Nijjar also believes that there are many misunderstandings that prevent people from showing sympathy for themselves. In addition to believing that being better to yourself leads to laziness, Nijjar said, there are often many shames related to caring for yourself and practicing self-compassion. People often ask themselves, “Am I indulging myself? Or am I taking pity on myself?”

Research suggests the opposite. Nijjar says that because self-compassion helps us cope with the pressures of the outside world, we tend to be better able to meet challenges. This will give us more emotional energy and build better relationships with others. In an article for Greater Good, Neff challenged the idea of ​​self-compassion as a “selfish” act. She wrote: “Most people find that when they focus on self-judgment, they have left no room for thinking about anything other than thinking that they are not good enough and worthless. Being better, and cherishing yourself a lot, our many emotional needs can be met, so we can better focus on other things. “

Be nice to yourself

Since self-compassion can bring benefits to our lives, how can we cultivate that kind of self-compassion? According to Nijjar, group therapy may help. Nijjar herself has taken an eight-week self-compassion course, and she encourages most of her clients to get a treatment as early as possible. “This group is actually a container, a safe place. At the beginning, everyone talked about how terrible self-compassion is, and what resistance you will encounter when trying to self-compassion.” She said, “For those who feel “This kind of discussion is particularly useful for people who have difficulty receiving treatment and who are ashamed of discussing such things face-to-face with others.”

Melissa Dahl, a science journalist and author of Criingworthy: A Theory of Awkwardness, suggests asking yourself these three questions when practicing self-compassion can lead to negative memories. First, think about how many people have experienced what you just experienced. Secondly, if it is your friend who experiences the things you remember, and the other party comes to you to talk to you, what will you do? Third, what does a neutral observer think of the situation that leads you to blame yourself?

When you force yourself to think about these things, you will realize thatNot the only person who makes mistakes, the only person who experiences a negative experience. In this way, you are unlikely to fall into the trap of being unable to extricate yourself, and to associate those things with your sense of self-worth. As Dahl said before: “Maybe a person can show the most compassionate attitude towards himself, that is, no longer obsessed with himself.”

Translator: boxi.